MLS POWER POWER Rankings

The most POWERFUL team in MLS right now is the Columbus Crew. With Chad Marshall arming the warheads, their POWER is capable of destroying entire cities. Even their central defenders are contributing goals.  Robbie Rogers has also played well, although Eddie Gaven has impressed as of late.

The next most POWERFUL team in MLS is the Chicago Fire. Despite a bust-up between the coach and a certain central defender, the Fire managed an impressive 2-0 away win over the ailing Kansas City Wizards. Their potency is very impressive. The offense resembles a patriot missile in its sheer destructive power. Just ask Jimmy Conrad. P-O-W-E-R.

The next team most FULL OF POWER is the Houston Dynamo. Stuart Holden has proven to be more than a spark – the damage he has wreaked is equivalent to several tons of dynamite.  HUNDREDS OF TONS OF DYNAMITE. EXPLOSION. Still, questions about the defense remain. They are under .500 away from home.

A team that is at least superficially powerful is the Los Angeles Galaxy. The Galaxy have gotten over the Beckham-Donovan purse fight, but an anemic 25 goals means that their potency quota is equivalent to a roman candle. NOT…AS….POWERFUL.

The Seattle Sounders are not quite fully operational. Thus, their power-level is fascinating but unpredictable. At QWest field they feast off the crowd, but have 2 wins away from home. Basically, as a visiting team they are IMPOTENT. Away game = No power. And with aging stars like Keller and Ljunberg, they are an ewok ambush away from self-destruction.

DC United has shown its POWEEEEEEEERRRR in the Concacaf Champions League, but the group stages may prove a burden. Despite Quaranta’s renaissance, they have conceded 34 goals and are a mere one game above .500. NOT powerrrrrful enough.

The next teams are near impotent. The lack of power is frustrating. The Colorado Rapids depend on Conor Casey for most of their offense, and he has a nagging groin injury. This injury hampers his, you guessed it, power. Which in turn hampers the Rapids’ power, creating a cycle of weakness and impotennnnnnce.

Chivas USA under Preki has a good defense and solid possession game, but looks awful with their shirt off. This season, Kljestan and Galindo can’t even bench the bar, let alone their own weight. And the rest of the Western Conference kicks sand in their face. Weeeeeeeeeeak.  Put your shirt on!

Cute. Adorable. Playful. ENOUGH. Soccer is a sport of POWER and MEN, not puppies! Dwayne De Rosario and Amado Guevara provide some power in the middle for Toronto FC, but the The strikers have been impotent. They may be young and cute, but this is the ALL POWER MLS, not a Peta convention.

The rest of the teams are .500 or worse, and thus lack the sufficient power to be mentioned.