This weekend was a buffet of goals, as United and Arsenal demolished the relegation-strugglers of tomorrow. Even Chelsea managed a comprehensive victory over Fulham, with the 2-0 scoreline deceivingly paltry. But enough text, because a picture says so much more. Roughly 1,000 times more, to be exact.
At the Emirates…
The Gunners continued their fine form with a 4-1 demolition of pitiful Pompey. Curiously, Arsene Wenger omitted Alexander Song from the side, replacing him with Abra Cadabra Diaby. However, the young Frenchman channeled the spirit of Henries past, scoring two early goals to blow the game open. Sacre Bleu!
When asked to reveal the secret of his Midas’ touch, Wenger coyly smiled and spoke nonchalantly about his passion for le netflix and frying snail larvae. “Ze problem iz, you must first fast ze snail for a veek before it is succulent. That is vy I have ze netflix.”
When pressed to clarify, Wenger pulled out a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon, sipped it softly, and proclaimed “Today ve feast, for tomorrow ve die. That is not true, iz it not?” He could not confirm if that was a thinly-veiled remark about the upcoming visit to Old Trafford.
At the JJK Stadium…
United huffed, puffed, and finally blew down Wigan’s house to the tune of a 5 goal, second half avalanche. Wayne Rooney took a break from his favorite past time, volleyball, to bag a brace.
While the goals by Wayne surprised nobody, the strikes from Michael Owen and Berbatov surely raised the eyebrows. In particular, Berbatov’s goal left the mouths watering, as he flicked a delicate self-pass over the on-rushing keeper before wildly swinging and barely connecting on the last touch.
Despite scoring, Berbatov sat tensely through the post-game press conference. He repeatedly interrupted reporters and asked, “was it good for you?” while smoking Marlboro red after Marlboro red. “Cause it was good for me.”
At Craven Cottage…
Nicolas Anelka. Nicolas A-smell-ka. After years of childhood torment, the Frenchman put to rest his demons by topping the Premiership scoring charts last season. And he was in blistering form against Fulham, assisting on Drogba’s opening goal and then sealing the game with an ice cold finish in the second half.
At the press conference, Anelka’s swagger over shadowed the journalistic inquiries. “I am not a mercurial, ego-driven talent…if anything, pluto is my favorite planet and Disney character. Compare me to him” It remains to be see if Ancellotti can keep Nicolas’s head on straight, but for now the planet Anelka is orbiting just fine.
At Anfield…
Our Scouser correspondent swore that Liverpool had a match this weekend and promised to cover it. There was just one problem: the game is actually Monday afternoon. When pressed on the issue, our correspondent merely called us “a jarg” and said he would “swerve on the match.” The confusion continues…