EPL Glower Rankings

The last time we bothered ranking any teams, we went with raw, sheer, explosive power. POWER. But this time, we have shifted our focus from MLS to the EPL. We also have gone with a more subtle yet rhyming alternative: the glower. And is there anyone more masterful at the glower than one David Bowie? Thus, we proudly present Glower Rankings.

Bowie teased the world with the hit single “Space Oddity” before bursting onto the scene as Ziggy Stardust, his first alter ego. However, he was not impressed by his own success. Carlos Ancellotti is similarly unimpressed with Chelsea‘s perfect start. While the scheduling has been quite kind, his diamond formation has worked wonders for the Blues abundance of attacking midfielders.

Bowie did not blink at the success of “Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars.” The hit single, “StarMan“, rocked the UK airwaves yet failed to sail across the Atlantic. Bowie craved the Yanks’ affections. Harry Redknapp had success at Pompey, but craved the flashing lights of London. He poached Defoe and Crouch, remaking the Spurs in his image and guiding them an impressive 3-0 start and a victory over Liverpool.

Bowie finally got what he wanted with “Young Americans,” a cross-Atlantic hit that spawned the infamous “Fame.” However, the cost was dear:  he alienated many of his UK followers. United‘s muti-battle war required rotations, which took on a toll on morale and led to a few deflections. Still, with Rooney in form and Vidic commanding the backline, United’s setback at Burnley may just be a stumble on the road to greater conquests.

Bowie had a low-key spell in the 1970s and his empire was in decline. He did manage the hit song “Ashes to Ashes” in the early 80′s, but Scary Monsters lacked the consistency of earlier works. Manchester City have started strong, winning their first three matches. However, questions remain about Adebayor’s consistency. His aggression has propelled City forward, but how long can the fire burn?

Davie Bowie’s once prolific output grinded to a halt, but he did manage one last hit single, “Under Pressure,” a collaborative effort with Queen. It would later be copyright infringed by Vanilla Ice. Stoke City have raced out of the blocks, but a lack of world-class talent mean a plateau is closer rather than farther. A spot in Europe remains a dream, albeit one still tangible after three weeks.

And then, in the blink of an eye, Bowie lost all popular culture relevance. His dying embers glowed brightly in Labrynth, a film which intended to be spook, was inadvertently spooky, yet somehow the spookiness did not come off as, err, spooky. Arsenal have feasted on lesser teams, in contrast to recent campaigns where points lost added up to futility. Still, the loss to United strings, although no team can count on points at Old Trafford. The story of the last few seasons has been injuries in April and May. Will history repeat itself? Or is “anything possible but nothing is what it seems”?