Ireland and France square off in Dublin in the first match of a two leg playoff with World Cup qualification at stake. With so much one the line, nerves will play a role and uncertainty looms. Can Ireland qualify for the World Cup after missing out in 2006? Can the new look France fully mature?
There is only one certainty: all-star commentators Alexi Lalas and Tommy Smyth, loved by all, will not be tag-teaming the broadcast booth. While once, in my runaway imagination, a distinct possibility, a spat during the preview show escalated and caused producers to pull the plug. We have acquired (manufactured) a transcript:
Tommy: “I just feel that if Ireland is going to bulge the old onion bag, the key will be setpieces.”
Alexi: “I couldn’t disagree any more with you. Seriously, the key to scoring for Ireland will be corner kicks and free kicks.”
Tommy: “Well, Alexi, I think yer a bit confused…” [interrupts]
Alexi: “Look Tommy you think with your accent that you know more about soccer, err football, but what the f*#k is an onion bag anyway? I’ve wanted to say this for a long time: you, my friend, are a total dousche.”
Tommy: “Go hIfreann leat ye feking ejit.”
Alexi: “I can’t work in these conditions – this guy doesn’t even speak English. The man is in desperate need of a teabag!” [raises arms in disgust]
Tommy: “Ye feking muppet can pog ma hol! You’ve got the fine fist to talk about the Queen’s English and…” [interrupts]
Alexi: “I will show you fine fists…”