FCDSTT – The Cleansing of the Flock

I am alarmed by recent news revealed by the NY Times. You see, I had long believed that supporter participation would mathematically lead to long-term planning and an avoidance of debt. However, in Spain, where the top two clubs hold elections for top officials, this democratic formula has backfired. Even ignoring the Madrid summer spurge, it seems Madrid and Barca pay the most in salaries to players.

How can we ensure that FCDSTT does not fall into this trap? How can we ensure that supporter pressure does not lead to big summer signings and further debt? It’s quite simple – we must turn the death threat focus to within FCDSTT.

Granted, the first death threat did not go so well. I have received no word yet from Pusky, and think it may have damaged our up-and-down friendship. I’m also not sold that the electronic mail median really communicates the seriousness of the threat. Plus, there is a slight risk that the email got gobbled up by a spam filter. Conversely, Pusky may be on vacay and just not checking his email like he usually does. Whatever.

Now, when I talk about “death” and “our own members” I know I may sound a bit paranoid and standoffish. I know your main concern – the rule of law. Rest assured, we will have rules. And laws. In fact, we will have boatloads of them! For example, water boarding positively absolutely cannot exceed a time period of four minutes and cannot be used more than twice within a 24 hour period. There. Are you happy?

Now let’s move on to the goods.

I’ve devised a special tribunal that will handle all of our “internal debt accusations.” Why not just use a regular court, you ask? Speed. Efficiency. Justice delayed is justice denied. Also, given the amorphous and intrinsically evil nature of debt, our enemies may move and strike with the lightning speed of a used credit card. We must be equally nimble.

The name for this special process is the “Worthwhile Inspection Tribunal-Court Hearings.” A few key details – the burden of proof is on the accused. The accuser is always the judge. And the burden of innocence is way waaaaaaay beyond a reasonable doubt. Future WIT-CH trials will define the contours of “waaaaaaay,” but surely you get the idea.

The biggest problem right now is logistical – where will the WIT-CH trials be held? I have found some pretty neat rentals in Salem, Massachusetts, although I am reluctant to put a pen to paper on any lease before our first “trial.” And that brings me to your next concern: lenient WIT-CH judges.

I still haven’t made my mind up on this dilemma. On the one hand, a one-size-fits all punishment to every instance of debt would certainly deter its encroachment in the sacred ground of football. However, on the other hand, when we tie judge’s hands, we may prevent them from imposing even more draconian punishments.

Any ideas? Thoughts? Suggestions? Names of individuals you would like to accuse?