Why You Hate Landon Donovan, You May Ask

So, Landon Donovan. He does hysterical commercials. He wins MLS championships. He scores goals on loan in the Premiership. He scores goals against Brazil in championship games. He sets up goals for teammates in international play. He leads the US national team in all-time scoring.

Yet, despite this lofty CV and his best years (28-32) still ahead of him, despite being your fellow countrymen, you hate him. Why? Let’s examine…

You are not a douchebag, but rather a gi-normous douchesack. Your overbearing and commanding military father made you run long distance track in high school and refused to pay a cent towards college. As such, the myth of the self-made man is firmly ingrained in your essence. In your mind, attitude can conquer all obstacles and success is measured not by happiness, but rather a black and white staircase. Landon Donovan has yet to reach the top of the top of that staircase, and thus is an abject failure. Second place is the same as last place, but in a way worse – the crushing weight of unrealistic expectations unfulfilled on shoulders not broad enough to carry the load.

You are an eccentric consumer of footballing. You listened to Modest Mouse before “float on.” Under the bed in your old bedroom in your parents’ house, next to the dungeons & dragons board, lay tubs of old Valiant comics, Built to Spill b-sides, and Spoon records. In this land of darkness & DJ Shadow beats, you admit to following Donovan while at San Jose, you know, before he got all big and stuff. You really liked his early work alongside Brian Ching, but his new combo with Edson Buddle just seems hashed and played out. You remember watching him in the pouring rain at a half empty Buck Shaw joint with a chill vibe and killer drink specials. But the Home Depot Center? Sold out? Yuck.

You are a shaking-like-a-chihuahua ball of nerves. You do not disdain commercial success, but rather fear it. The past does not haunt you, but rather looms over your shoulder like the dark August clouds forewarning a summer thunderstorm. Donovan’s 2002 World Cup begged the question – could this teenage phenom top a quarterfinal showing with a nascent national team on the rise? After the disappointment of 06, you mirrored his own anguish by hiding out in your apartment, feverishly deciding whether to remove the Donovan last name on your USMNT jersey.

You are seething with uncontrollable jealousy. Despite only being in his twenties, Landon Donovan has divorced more supermodels than you will ever kiss. One, to be exact. He also scored this clutch penalty kick in the Gold Cup Final of 2008, even if he missed in the last MLS Cup. Do you wish you were captain cool under pressure? Do you wish your receding hairline resembled Pike’s Peak and not an atrocious Rogaine “before” picture? You dislike Donovan because you want to be Donovan.

So while Robinho can return home to Brazil from the EPL to a hero’s welcome, for a variety of complex and not-so-complex motives, you chided Donovan for leaving Everton. But why?….