Apparently, the Brazilian referees for tomorrow’s game are beefing up on their English pejoratives. However, given the vast chasm between British and American English, I fear that some innocent chitchat may lead to an unwarranted yellow card. Allow me to illustrate.
First off, I could just see Clint Dempsey and Steve Cherundolo nonchalantly discussing late 1990′s US children programing and reflecting upon a certain purple dinosaur. “Oh Stevie”, Deuce may muse, “I used to get such a chuckle out of that hilarious Barney.” Then, to his chagrin, the fourth official pulls out a yellow card, booking the Texan for mistakenly hearing the term “Barmy” and confusing the amused smile for mocking laughter.
Things would only get worse when, while still on the subject of outdated children programming, Landon Donovan and Tim Howard discuss an unusual youtube video that violently parodies Kermit’s affections for Miss Piggy. “Timmy”, Donovan may inquire, “did you see that bizarre and gory Kermit video on youtube?” Howard, glued to the web when not training, would shout in shock “Oh yes, the one with the bloody muppet!” Then, lurking in the shadows, the second official would jump into action and give the Yank keeper a stern talking for such harsh language.
However, this linguistic confusion could play to the Yank’s advantage. After a missed offsides call, I could see Jozy Altidore and Robbie Findley creatively insulting the chastity of the referees’ wife. Jozy would start, “You idiot, your wife is a total skank! I could see her in an adult film!” Then Findley would chime in, “I could totally see her dumb face with the eyes closed at the cross-cum shot!” The referee, smiling obliviously, would think they were referring to half-pass/half-shot attempt.
Still, danger lurks in every American utterance. While it is winter in South Africa, the Yanks should be careful to avoid the topic of any sort of bug repellent. I could just fathom Carlos Bocanegra complaining to Gooch, “Hey, will you help me out with this mosquito spray?” Gooch, unimpressed by the quality of said product, would reply “It just can’t seem to get these bugs off.” The linesman, within earshot by confused, immediately informs the referee via walkie talkie. The referee then gives Gooch a straight red for saying “bugger off.”
Then, of course, if the playful conversation turns to music, another booby trap lurks. One could imagine Rico Clark saying to little Bradley – “you just need to keep shooting, just shoot one more time, like that song, you know.” Bradley, a bit young and puzzled, would ask “What are you talking about.” A lightbulb would flash in Rico’s head – “that song, one more time, by, by….DAFT PUNK.” The fourth official, still angry, would show Rico a direct red for using the derogatory term “Daft.”
Finally, with the Yanks reduced to 5 men, the result could go either way. However, after the match, the linguistic confusion could still lead to some pretty odd moments. For example, if England concedes on a counter or setpiece, a Yank may hear JT and Ledley King complaining about how the other “cocked up.” To which the young Yank will have nightmares and be forced to take cold showers for months, speculating onto what that may entail.
Conversely, if the Brits win, then the words of condolence from the Englishmen may cause even further confusion. Assistant coach David Beckham may step onto the field and drape his shoulder around Donovan, telling him to “keep his pecker up.”
