Not quite original content, not quite a link-up, we present a special new post here at Futfanatico: the sarcastic one. Novel, no? Now on with it.
First, the Guardian reports that Inter faxed an offer for Javier Mascherano to Liverpool. The offer? Sulley Muntari plus 6 million pounds. Now I know your confusion – after reading that sentence, you thought that Inter must have offered to pay Liverpool 6 million pounds to take Muntari’s wages off the book. No. I’m afraid not. Re-read the sentence…. Yep. So here’s my explanation.
Alcohol. Some sneaky intern got a bit tipsy while working late hours and mailed in a preposterous fax to Liverpool. The Guardian article failed to give a date or time for the fax, so this is entirely plausible. Another explanation is that Muntari sent the fax himself, hoping to leave Inter, and wrote it in confusing language in the hopes of confusing Liverpool. Perhaps he wrote “You will not unsign Javier Mascherano in the possible exchange for accepting Sulley Muntari and you don’t not dislike six million pounds DO NOT SIGN HERE IF YOU DON’T ACCEPT.”
In other news, the NYT reports that FIFA’s crack team of investigators confirmed that the North Korean squad was not tortured. How so? Through the number one, most effective, impossible to avoid investigation technique of a letter. FIFA, using proceeds from the World Cup, paid for the envelope, postage, pen, paper, and also the gas to drive the company car to the mailbox. Of course, an unpaid intern drove the car, but Sepp bought that intern a nice coffee at a Starbuck’s on the return trip.
After such heavy investigating, the crack team of FIFA justice league avengers took a mighty rest. After a bit of time, conclusive proof of the innocence of North Korea arrived in the form of another airtight piece of evidence – a letter! Now, I know that some legal types may say “hearsay blah blah inadmissible”, but let’s not confuse the issues. This letter was on very official looking stationary and absolutely positively contained no powder substance that could be confused for a terrorist chemical attack. Thus, the world sleeps easy knowing that justice has been done, and that the wheels of justice turn ever so smoothly and swiftly.
Finally, believe it or not, CNNSI reports that a team and it’s fan base may not like Felix Magath. I have a theory and am prepared to take the heat for it. Despite its popularity, relevance, and simplicity, I follow the simple tenets of the anti-Felix the Cat Defamation League. Observe.
Basically, Felix the coach at Schalke is just feeling the wrath of the tidal wave of anti-Felix the Cat sentiment. At his time, Felix was one of the few black animated protagonists and light years ahead of Garfield both in terms of figure and social commentary. But with his success came a price – just as Barack provoked the Tea Party, Felix’s popularity drew its fair share of haters. And they now hate Felix the coach. If only he’d been named Martin Luther or Malcolm Exe or something not controversial. But no, his parents marked him for life, and….well, he just has to get on with it.