The Greatest Soccer Headlines Never Blogged

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The soccersphere has become a very introspective place. Blogs, media, money, turnover. These topics rule the day. On the one hand, the battle for attrition has left us sans redranter, with a burned out Tom Dunmore, and sent OzCitySoccer into a cruel SEO domain repurchase cemetery. On the other hand, the Guardian picked up Zonal Marking for a Monday column, Brian covers soccer for Slate, and Mr. Peck’s blog was basically purchased by Yahoo. Some fall by the wayside, some climb. Some argue that a “subscription model” is a de facto donation button. Others insist otherwise. The basic question remains: why do we blog?

I won’t lie – the temptation to turn my beloved site into a niche focus group has been great at times. Some mornings I wake up and Plan B looks pretty darn good. The theme would be obvious – the personal lives of US players living and playing in Scandinavia. Did Chris Rolfe get a new haircut? You read it here first! Did Benny Feilhaber close on a tasteful yet affordable sublet? Details & Pics!

But then a realization strikes me – my creativity trumps my fact-gathering capacities. Also, though you won’t hear it from many other bloggers, sometimes I am too much of a perfectionist and “miss a headline.” The changing world of soccer pulls the rug out from under my feet. What happens to these perfectly crafted posts? No, I do not tear them up in a drunken rage. I do not throw my laptop against a wall and shatter it to a million pieces. Rather, they sit in the long line of posts, crying to be shared.

So now, for your reading pleasure, I give you the greatest soccer headlines never blogged.

ROBINHO SIGNS FOR REAL MADRID – PERFECT MATCH MAY LAST A LIFETIME!

Today, as a merengues fan, I am pleased to report that Robinho has forced his way out of Santos in the most petulant of fashions – so he can sign for Real Madrid! Of course, his lack of professionalism and maturity in dealing with Santos could never be reflected in his relations with Madrid. I anticipate a long and prosperous relationship.

SVEN GORAN-ERIKSSON READY TO SETTLE DOWN AND GUIDE CITY TO THE PROMISED LAND

You heard it hear first – the swinging Swede has decided to set up shop in Manchester….with City! Sven did spend eight years as coach of the England National Team, but I won’t go that far in predicting his tenure at Eastlands – he should last at least three years though as City rebuild and buy around the brainy Swede’s decisions & demeanor. His debut 2-0 victory over West Ham is the start of a beautiful relationship.

ROBINHO SIGNS FOR MANCHESTER CITY – READY TO LEAVE HIS LASTING MARK IN THE ENGLISH PREMIERSHIP

Robinho has left Real Madrid to cement his place in the annals of football history with Manchester City. As a Madrid fan, I’m disappointed, but I understand that as a supremely talented & well paid professional, competing for a starting spot with other talented and well paid professionals can be very stressful. The Brazilian has finally found a quiet enclave and should enjoy several fruitful years, if not a decade, of plying his trade in the most exciting league on the planet.

SVEN GORAN-ERIKSSON LOOKS FORWARD TO A LONG & FRUITFUL RELATIONSHIP WITH NOTTS COUNTY

The Swede’s move to a lower level English team shocks many, but not me. After years of being in the limelight, feeling the pressure, bearing the heat, could any other club offer the placid setting of historical Notts County? Plus, Eriksson enjoys a lengthy and multi-tiered challenge – getting Notts to the EPL will probably take hims years. Best of luck!

ROBINO MOVES ON LOAN TO SANTOS, 99% SURE WILL BE MADE PERMANENT

Robinho has returned to the Brazilian club of Pele and where he made his initial splash. Could you imagine a more delightful homecoming? The weather, the food, the culture, and, of course, the futbol - all factors point to a permanent move at the end of a successful loan spell. And if any player can force his way out of a contract to sign for a new team, its Robinho.

SVEN GORAN-ERIKSSON TAKES THE REIGNS AT IVORY COAST, FOR NOW AND POSSIBLY ETERNITY

Sven is a coy and playful negotiator. Even though he insists he will only coach Les Elephants for the World Cup, we all know what that means – up my wages a few thousand pounds and I’m here for life! While the country may be ravaged by a seemingly ceaseless civil war, he can reside in Europe and catch games of all-stars such as Didier Drogba, Yaya Toure, and Kolo Toure. With that roster of talent, who could turn down a longer deal? Not Sven. That’s who.

And there you have it – I can’t run a profitable newspaper enterprise because quickly I would become the most popular and successful man on earth. And who wants that kind of pressure?

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