It’s been ages since the soccer-news-media apparatus hummed along at such an accelerated pace. In light of this supernova of information, I have been forced into a stream-of-conscious absorption of facts, opinions, and dallyhoo. True, I am also working on a quasi-secret book. How secret? Well, I can only reveal two facts: it involves feet. And a ball. The rest shall remain with your imagination until June 1st. Then, on June 1st, when my third version of the MS is still not good enough, I will vent to you.
But back to the news of today, not tomorrow. Let’s begin.
Colombia has numerous badges of dishonor in the soccer world: they had a World Cup yanked away in the 1980′s and also shot one of their players after the ’94 World Cup. Sadly, the homicide and economic futility were but a precursor to this crowning act of owlicide. [ALERT - this video is not suitable for children under the age of 20]
The culprit? Panamanian soccer player Luis Moreno. The location: Colombia. The victim? An owl, the mascot for Atletico Junior. I regret to say that the owl died shortly after the incident. The punishment: two game ban and $560 fine. Will Colombia ever be the same?
Sadly, this incident comes just as Colombia appear poised for a stunning economic recovery. I fully anticipate that decades from now, respected Colombian economists will pinpoint this moment as the “niksput” – the time when an otherworldly tragedy undermined the fragile confidence of the private sector, thereby triggering a massive depression.
We will not forget about this incident in a matter of weeks. You do not have the attention span of a gnat with ADD. You have been taking your adderall.
Moving on to the next earth-shattering news event of the past week, we realize that violence it not just a problem in Latin America. Apparently, Ashley Cole shot an intern at Chelsea with an air gun. How on Earth could such a stupid thing occur, you ask? Well, here’s a pretty accurate animated remake:
Unlike the owl, the intern appears to have very strong vital signs. He is expected to make a full recovery. And as for Cashley? The police are investigating. This basically means a fine and a slap on the wrist. I suspect a disagreement over a Phil Collins song may have sparked the altercation, but my memory has been known to blur and mix and mash.
Some good has come of the incident, though. In an attempt to defend the rights of the accused by fostering empathy, a website allows you to spend a day in Cashley’s shoes and see the world through his eyes. Check it out here. Try not to cheat on Cheryl Cole for that one day.
I reiterate. We will not forget about this incident in a matter of weeks. You do not have the attention span of a gnat with ADD. You have been taking your adderall.
In related world-changing news, the horrors of violence continue to scar our beloved beautiful game. This time, man’s best friend turned into our own worst enemy. As a midfielder in the Brazilian league prepared to launch a cross, he got busted by a canine cop for smuggling over 100 pounds of cocaine inside the ball. Well, maybe that last part has yet to be confirmed, but the crowd was impressed by the defending.
Of course, conservative American TV pundits respected the dog’s badge but voiced their frustration at this stewardship of the public’s tax dollars. Playing soccer while on the job? What’s next, “paid vacation”? Lush Rimbaugh attributed the lax and low productivity canine culture to long entrenched (and abused) canine collective bargaining rights. Which must be destroyed.
I repeat. We will not forget about this incident in a matter of weeks. You do not have the attention span of a gnat with ADD. You have been taking your adderall.
Lastly, South Africa took a hit to the piggybank to host the last World Cup, but don’t worry about Sepp Blatter & FIFA. They held a few bake sales, sold some old desks, sublet office space, and managed to scrape together $6 billion in profit over the last four years, including pocket change under the cushions in the official FIFA couch. Barely enough to get by, right?
But here’s the conspiracy: FIFA announces their profits early in the week, and later in the week ban snoods. Coincidence? I think not. FIFA derives their profits from lucrative sponsorship agreements. And what would upset current sponsors more than an upstart fashion garment that wasn’t under their collective corporate clutches? This is the only plausible explanation.
FIFA’s pretext for banning snoods only raises more red flags. The safety of the players? Their health? Players are mere commodities to play at FIFA tournaments without pay so that FIFA can generate enormous revenue. If FIFA cared about their health, they would reduce the number of games. This Sepp quote from 1995 is hysterically ironic. Oh, and unlike goal-line tech, FIFA did not conduct even a single snood-health study. Suspicious!
Thus, only one explanation makes sense: Snoodgate.
Unlike the other news stories, this one most definitely will have repercussions for future generations of snood wearing children, children whose dreams have been forever crushed. Somewhere, the next Samir Nasri cries into his snood, throws away his cleats, and takes up racquetball in disgust.