It’s been too long. Not since the last World Cup have my always accurate and enlightening Player Grades graced these pages. Allow me to briefly explain: I take the NYTimes Goal blog and ESPN Soccernet grades as a baseline, and then use a highly complex algorithm to merge them to arrive at perfectly accurate ratings. I won’t bore you with the details of the formula, but the accuracy is normally within 0.01 of a fraction of a point. Guaranteed. Each time. Always.
The US run in the Gold Cup has experienced ups & downs – the loss to Panama left a bitter taste in the mouth, yet the victory over Guadaloupe was sweet as can be. In that vain, we present US Player Rating vs. Jamaica based on the delectable history of Parisian les patisseries fine. Bon apetit.
The King’s Cook: Jermaine Jones
In 18th century France, the only person more respected and adored than the King was his chef, Nicolas Stohrer. And with good cause. While allegedly the King had the idea of pouring rum from Malaga on a cake, giving birth to the baba, Stohrer capitalized on the idea in establishing his own pastry store – a chain that is still in operation centuries later. It is the creme of the crop.
Jermaine Jones cooked up a display of rough tackles and timely passing. Granted, his fitness has been below par most of the tournament, but his well struck volley carved open a stubborn Jamaican defense with a bit of luck. His play-acting also drew a red card that sealed the game. Despite being a recent addition the US fold, we can only hope his career lasts several more years after performances such as these.
Appreciation for Popelini: Michael Bradley
Often, those who deserve credit do not get it. An Italian pastry chef, Popelini, allegedly invented the choux pastry in the 16th century. However, centuries would pass before the Parisian public would appreciate this delectable and tasty treat. Belated success is better than no success, but posthumous credit offends our notions of justice.
Yes, Little Bradley coughed up the ball a few times in the second half, but for most of the game he was the passing outlet for the US. In all corners of the field, he popped up to exchange passes and alleviate pressure. He also had a few well timed tackles. He did not show up on the score sheet, but deserves credit as an under-sung hero.
Honoring Saint Honore: Clint Dempsey
Pastry is more than just bread and sugar. Often, for reasons we cannot fathom, an unusual alchemy unlocks in our nasal passages and mouths an inexplicable sensation of pleasure. No milligram of flour or teaspoon of sugar can quantify this feeling. Saint Honore exudes deliciousness, yet the creme Chiboust is what puts it over the top. Why? We may never know. Who’d have thought beaten egg whites and whipped cream could combine so well?
Dempsey adds his own flavor to the US attack with nutmegs, pivots, and cheeky heels. His flair’s importance stretches beyond the stat-sheet. And this game was not exception. Deuce created danger with every touch, and his goal to seal the game was well taken: a cheeky step around the keeper from point blank. Sacre bleu!
The Savvy Savarin: Carlos Bocanegra
Of course, naivete has no place in the cutthroat world of Parisian pastries. Cooking is part art, but also part science. Knowledge is power. The Julie brothers plied their trade at Stohrer for years, accumulating a wealth of knowledge about the ins and outs of baba-making. Then they took it to the next level: they distilled their own alcoholic syrup to lubricate pastries and provide a rich foundation. Cake-eaters may never be sober again.
Both Lichaj and Cherundolo had decent moments going forward, but Carlos Bocanegra’s composure on the ball set the tone for the entire US back line. His effortless passing from the back and quick combinations with Bradley & Jones routinely broke Jamaica’s pressure. Especially in the first half, Carlos passed the US out of trouble with a poised foot on the ball and his head held high.
Meandering Meringue: Sacha Kljestan
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, things don’t turn out as we’d like. In the 18th century, a Swiss pastry chef had some leftover egg whites. He combined them with powdered sugar, baked the mess in a low heat, and, sadly the resulting meringue still plagues pastry stores to this day. Why do people eat this fluff? This author has no personal explanation, but a psychiatrist would speculate in “comfort foods” and “eating to cope with stress” etc. etc.
After one year in Belgium, Sacha is starting to look like a promising player at the international level. In this game, however, he struggled to find his groove and often disappeared for very long stretches. Neither he nor Bedoya shined out wide, but Bedoya’s early header and cheeky heel in the second half both created danger. Sacha finally has the fitness and tactical acuity to make a mark, but today was not his day. Like a meringue pie, he merely teased the eyes and left the stomach feeling empty.
The factual assertions in this post are based almost entirely on the amusing and delightful Brief History of Classic French Pastries