I write you on behalf of humanity. We all know why you signed Mikel Arteta – not to compete for trophies, but rather to crush his boyhood dream of playing for Barcelona. In fact, Arteta played youth football for the club, but left for PSG because he couldn’t break into the starting eleven. But let’s not let the past obscure the present.
Everybody is on to your little game of “kidnap and ransom Catalan youth academy players.” We know that your scouts snoop around the city parks near La Masia, standing by the slides and monkey bars and offering chocolate to promising young players. On at least five occasions, your operatives offered a nine year old Andres Iniesta a Hershey’s kiss. On at least two occasions, one twelve year old Xavi Hernandez was offered Snickers’ bars.
These boys were strong enough to say no. But now you prey on poor Mikel Arteta.
For the sake of humanity, please do not shackle him. If you do not immediately release him on a free transfer to Barcelona, then they will be forced to dress him in an FC Barcelona jersey at all national team gatherings. The players will also take a break from auditioning for the Catalan Asociat du Tumbling and plea to petty journalists for his release.
Of course, FC Barcelona will not meet your preposterous ransom demand of fifteen million pounds. It is against Catalonian state policy to negotiate with terrorists. In your hands you hold the dream of a boy. Please free him, so that he may fly like a beautiful dove into Cesc Fabregas and Lionel Messi’s waiting arms.