An Open Letter to Arsene Wenger to Release from the Shackles of Arsenal one Mikel Arteta

Posted on by

Dear Arsene Wenger,

I write you on behalf of humanity. We all know why you signed Mikel Arteta – not to compete for trophies, but rather to crush his boyhood dream of playing for Barcelona. In fact, Arteta played youth football for the club, but left for PSG because he couldn’t break into the starting eleven. But let’s not let the past obscure the present.

Everybody is on to your little game of “kidnap and ransom Catalan youth academy players.” We know that your scouts snoop around the city parks near La Masia, standing by the slides and monkey bars and offering chocolate to promising young players. On at least five occasions, your operatives offered a nine year old Andres Iniesta a Hershey’s kiss. On at least two occasions, one twelve year old Xavi Hernandez was offered Snickers’ bars.

These boys were strong enough to say no. But now you prey on poor Mikel Arteta.

For the sake of humanity, please do not shackle him. If you do not immediately release him on a free transfer to Barcelona, then they will be forced to dress him in an FC Barcelona jersey at all national team gatherings. The players will also take a break from auditioning for the Catalan Asociat du Tumbling and plea to petty journalists for his release.

Of course, FC Barcelona will not meet your preposterous ransom demand of fifteen million pounds. It is against Catalonian state policy to negotiate with terrorists. In your hands you hold the dream of a boy. Please free him, so that he may fly like a beautiful dove into Cesc Fabregas and Lionel Messi’s waiting arms.


The Universe.


10 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Arsene Wenger to Release from the Shackles of Arsenal one Mikel Arteta

  1. Oh Elliot you should have rather spent the time sleeping. It would have been more creative. What a prick you are!!!!

  2. You catalonia are not even ashame of yourself. Dont worry,thins time is everythin. U can say anthin u like now bcos u are on condition is perm.

  3. Classic joke…. but who knows wat those scumbags of Barca might do when Arteta become a star for Arsenal…. they’ll probably set up a new news website and have thousands of interviews from players down to the cleaners and water boy asking Arsenal to free Arteta so he can go back “home”….. =)

  4. WTF – I share your sentiments. But change the “What” to “Who – as in, “Who The Fuck” does Arsene think he’s fooling. We’re onto him!

    Jacques – sleep is always good. I promise to write a more clever and topical post in the coming months, just for you.

    Dray – either WTF didn’t get it, or he totally got it and agreed 100%. I prefer the latter interpretation.

    Gooner Gone & Loh – glad you liked it. I secretly hope I am wrong, not eerily and inadvertently prescient. If Arteta stays fit and impresses and plays for the Furia Roja at some point, expect to hear the cries of Catalonian friends and family.

    AK – I definitely share your sentiment that Barca got away with some shady shenanigans when signing Cesc.

  5. To whom it may concern,u don’t have anything doing for your life that’s why you always snick arround looking for what u know that does not belong to you.Wenger will proof u rong and Arteta will be a better player compered to Fab.

  6. Actually a nine year old Inniesta was at Albacete. Barca scouts offered him the chocolate at 12 when he then joined La Masia…….

    Wenger you missed a trick!!

  7. Omer,

    Good point! Wenger’s goons also offered Iniesta a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup while he was at Espanyol, but to no avail….