The current possession era of soccer, with goalscoring wingers and almost invisible false nine forwards, has placed a premium on passing stats and yawn yawn yawn. Okay, I wrote a soccer-based Cristiano and Leo comparison several months ago. Most of it still rings true. However, I decided to do some real detective work because I noticed an odd occurrence – I’ve rarely seen Cristiano and Messi play at the exact same time. Unusual? Odd? Suspicious? Most definitely.
I did some digging, and realized that they normally only play at the same time and at the same location twice a year. Last season was an anomaly – they did so five times. However, even then, I could only witness this coincidence by television. TV often lies. Also, when one of them touched the ball, the other normally loitered off-screen. Body doubles? Definitely possible.
In sum, every other Cristiano-Messi comparison is flawed because it starts with a faulty premise: they are not the same person. Based on a wealth of circumstantial evidence, I formed a hypothesis: Leo Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo are the same player and person. I did even more research, and now an abundance of indisputable direct evidence proves my point. Simply put, they have too much in common to not be the same person. Observe.
First, I begin with the long-held and well respected premise that we must trust nobody and believe nothing until we see actual & official birth certificates. Have you ever seen Leo Messi’s birth certificate? Or Cristiano Ronaldo’s? Me neither. Thus, none of us can be sure of their actual names, actual parents, or actual place of birth. In fact, we can’t be sure that they weren’t born at the same time, in the same place, to the same parents.
Thus, I took a magnifying glass to these two “supposedly different” gentlemen. I was and am shocked at the results. Upon closer inspection, thousands of similarities appeared. For example, they inhabit the exact same solar system: the Milky Way. And it’s not like Messi lives in a loft in Andromeda and rolls into the Milky Way once a blue moon to gets some lottery tickets and beer – neither he nor Cristiano has ever left the Milky Way. In fact, neither of them has ever been so far as the trans-Neptunian region. When Ray Hudson yells that “Messi is out of this world,” he does not in fact mean that Messi inhabits a mansion on Makemake. It’s a figure of speech as far as I can tell.
Okay, so no birth certificate and same universe – not exactly groundbreaking observations. But don’t worry, this ball of yarn is just beginning to unwind. Many members of the Messi-is-not-Ronaldo-eratti point out a simple fact – last season, Ronaldo won the Golden Boot for most goals in La Liga. Messi did not. However, during that entire time, both players lived on the same planet: Earth. Not Neptune. Not Mars. Not even that dwarf “real planet wannabe” Pluto. Earth. Tierra. And things get even creepier upon an even closer inspection.
Did you know that on Earth there are around 8.7 million species? Out of those millions, you’d expect Messi and Ronaldo, soooooo different, to belong to different species, right? Right? Wrong again. They are both Homo sapiens. Not Homo sapiens sapiens. Not Homo sapiens idaltu. Despite what Cristiano’s critics say, he is not Homo sapiens neaderthalensis.
Granted, this is a point of contention. Some scientists assert that a subspecies of Homo sapiens are Homo rhodesiensis. Furthermore, Cristiano has often been grouped into a unique subspecies known as Homo poppedcollarus. And Messi has been inaccurately categorized as belonging to the long extinct Neversmilesgrimsaurious. Still, these theories have yet to find common acceptance. Thus, until the year 3000 AD when Homo sapiens split into two species, Leo and Cristiano are one and the same.
Are you starting to see how a little suspicion can go a long way? Let’s stop and do a quick tally of a few of the many things that these allegedly different & distinct carbon-based lifeforms have in common: they are not iguanas. They are not dogs. They are not birds. They are not sharks. They are not whales. They do not live on the Moon. They breathe air. Their bodies are about 57% water. Their bodies also contain around 6.7 X 10 to the 27th atoms. I could go on and on and on unto infinity. Yes, Leo Messi and Cristiano have an almost infinite amount of things in common. Indisputably, the mathematical case has been made for them being the same player and person.
Granted, some things are more important than others. Not all sciences are equal. However, even observing them both using cutting edge phrenological observational techniques, similarities pop up. While I personally have never had the pleasure of popping a caliper on the head “or heads” of Cristiano Leo Ronaldo Messi (his true name I suspect), Dr. Franz Joseph Gall himself would be intrigued by the visual evidence available.
Case in point, take a gander at “Leo Messi” and his alleged noggin.
Based on the latest and peer-reviewed phrenological publications, we know that the human head has 27 individual organs. These organs control various aspects of our personality. The organs are often detectable as bumps. In the above picture, Messi’s flat forehead in the “memory of events” region indicates a rather poor capacity for short or long-term memory. This probably explains why he has so many multi-goal games, and continues to score even though his team is winning handily. While most people relax, Messi may forget his team is winning and hurriedly rushes forward to seek a necessary & winning goal.
And Cristiano’s allegedly separate cranium? Have a look.
Shocking isn’t it? It’s basically the exact same as Messi. And it also explains why he also has so many multi-goal games. Now, don’t let the hair distract you. “Cristiano” likes to grease it up, but also changes his style frequently. In fact, that’s another cause of suspicion – his hairdo is almost always different from Messi, as if, as if, as if….he wanted you to see his hair and think “there’s no way this person is Leo Messi because the hair is covered in cooking oil and could explode into flames at any point.”
But maybe it is. And based on the lack of proper authenticated birth certificates and millions of never before articulated similarities, plus the latest in visual phrenological analysis, it probably is. As the soccerverse spits stats and vomits lazy comparisons at you, remember the millions of things that Cristiano Leo Ronaldo Messi has in common with himself. It’s the only way to stay sane.