Greetings, salutations, and bienvenidos! It is with great pleasure that I invite you to the cutting edge of online learning: FutSail Online University Online Degrees. I, the esteemed Doctor Moschlavius Gumperteer, who himself holds several online doctorates in Search Engine Optimization and Fly By Night Incorporation & Unincorporation, am the dean, a professor, and I also hold the distinguished Dr. Moschlavius chair as head of the 21st century creative writing department.
Most importantly, I am also the CEO and a majority shareholder in this enterprise.
Here is FSOU in a nutshell. The first goal is profit. Duh. The second goal, like all places of higher learning, is a tuition paying student body (we prefer Paypal and love federally-backed loans). However, the third goal will truly blow you away: the total re-formation and perfection of education through technology. I invite you to join us, and now that we’ve discussed goals, let me explain our principles.
Now, I know your first concern: trust. As a new educational endeavor, you the consumer can only take out so many Perkins, Staffords, and private loans to attend the school of your dreams. Why FutSail Online University? Can you trust us? Well, at FSOU, trust is the most important thing. At most other elite universities, they rake in always increasing tuition payments yet don’t immediately splash the cash. Rather, they usually have a large wad of cash known as an “endowment.” Endowment basically means bank account, but how can you trust your current school or alma mater to just stash cash under a mattress or stocks? You can’t.
At FSOU, we will have absolutely no endowment. Rather, we will sell shares of FSOU to shareholders. We trust in the market to lead us, and everybody knows that quarterly profit reports, dividends, and swanky shareholder retreats in Phoenix, AZ are the most efficient way to run an organization. History proves this. The shareholder model won’t let us sit on cash as students struggle to take out loans to pay our increasing tuition. Rather, we will hopefully pay dividends to shareholders. Monthly. Quarterly. Bi-annually. Whatever is feasible at first. Why? Because sharing is caring. Trust. Sharing. These are the principle of greatness. Big universities, in their rush to pad endowments, have forgotten them.
Of course, we can understand your next concern: how can an online university offer a world class climbing wall on par with those found at college gyms throughout the Ivy League? How can FSOU attract top professor talent? Please know that the climbing wall is our top priority at FSOU. We know that as a consumer of education, you absolutely positively cannot fathom a school without a climbing wall. It’s like a car without a parking break or an episode of Full House when Uncle Joey doesn’t say “Have Mercy.” Unimaginable.
But this obstacle is not insurmountable. FSOU has a six year plan. Basically, we plan on you, the student, needing at least six years to graduate. How? Well, as long as you have a working credit card, then we will not require attendance at cyber classes. Why should we dictate your schedule? Why should the best and brightest students be subjected to boring recorded lectures on Vimeo or Youtube? If your Visa is not maxed, then you set your pace of study. Think of it as a nontraditional temporal design-you-own schedule major. Studies show that this will lead you, the online degree seeker, to take it nice and slow. You will probably graduate in seven years. However, after only six years, FSOU can offer a world class climbing wall.
Of course, there is still the other problem: attracting world class professor talent? Well, we plan to borrow a page from most major universities. Yes, we will have a super select and elite cadre of well paid and tenured professors. In fact, we’ve already built a climbing wall inside an ivory tower for these gents, ladies & lgbts. But everybody knows that professors don’t teach. They are simply too busy getting ready for happy hour chitchat and awkward “so at the after party at that last symposium” banter. They don’t have time for undergraduates.
Instead, like at most universities, the never-paid graduate students will do the heavy lifting at FSOU. Yes, that’s right – you can get a Masters from FSOU and you only need to dedicate your every waking breath to working for free. Your brilliant lectures can grace these hallowed pages of FSOU. Just send an email with an idea or 300-500 word lecture to futfanatico (at) gmail (dot) com. You will get paid nothing. What could be more prestigious? We don’t have “technical” accreditation yet, so you can’t get a fellowship. But maybe your parent can loan you the Mastercard for a year or two or seven?
And what will we teach here? Given the success of the short-lived Puffington Host, we will teach aspiring journalism and writing students how to write about sport in the 21st century. Everything from kayaking in the big media-headline-gulf stream to maximizing post key terms to putting the “play” in “plagiarizing.” If you dream it, and your Visa is not expired, then we will indulge you in your fragile dreams. Dreams, after all, are worth dreaming about.
Here, dreams meet reality. (Please note that FSOU makes not representations as to the pleasantness of reality.)
Before we get ahead of ourselves, I must clearly explain one ground rule to go along with our culture of “trust” and “shares.” That is selective silence, a staple of elite education. Here is an example. In the United States of America, our top school is Harvard. However, when speaking to a Harvard alum or current student, they take great pains not to reveal their educational pedigree. I heard through the grapevine that the very first week of new student orientation, they simulate water boarding and Chinese water torture to beat this into students. Silence. Selective. Finger nails have been pulled, allegedly. Silence. Selective. Nobody must know. Silence. Selective.
The result? At all times, all Harvard folk force all educational inquiries, even friendly, into a rough game of geographical questioning & painful narrowing. You ask them: “where do you study?” They answer: “Cambridge.” You then pull out a fingernail with a pair of pliers and ask: “where did you get your English degree?” In tears, they respond “Cambridge.” You then have to pin them down with exact street addresses over the next five hours before they cave. It’s P.O.W. impressive.
Why the secrecy? Because knowledge is power. If you were a kidnapper or a terrorist, and you knew that a person was a Harvard grad, then you’d be more likely to target him or her. Also, if you were a kidnapper or terrorist who wanted to kidnap a Harvard grad, then you’d be likely to pose as a friendly and inquisitive person in order to lower the Harvard grad’s guard. Harvard grads know this. FSOU must learn from this. Selective silence.
So should you. FutSail Online University is a great place, but, sadly, outside of our gorgeously manicured cyber campus the universe is perverted and the weak target the strong. As a student, you are likely to receive Spam emails by “class action attorneys” about “lawsuits” and “claims to damages.” You also may get a phone call from the FTC. The world is full of haters. They want to crush our dream because we share your dream. Ignore them. If they ask you where you study, say “online.” If they ask again, say “line of on.” Never reveal that you study here. If at a supermarket somebody makes a remark about your $95 FSOU hooded sweatshirt, say you bought it at a thrift store.
With that in mind, we look forward to guiding you on life’s journey. Shares. Trust. Selective Silence. These are the principles of greatness. Get ready to learn a thing or two!