No top online university diploma mill would be complete without a proper career services division. Thus, we at FSOU offer some insight into finding paid work from Brooks Peck of the award-winning Dirty Tackle.
We here at FutSail Online University take our commitment to preparing you for success in the real world very seriously. So it is with great regret that we inform you that every one of you will most certainly fail in all of your blogging endeavors.
Even if you have thousands of Twitter followers and receive regular impersonal bulletins from various PR firms, you will never monetize any of it and will end up wasting years of your life on something no one but you actually cares about. Of course, this doesn’t apply to you because you are special — it just applies to all of your classmates who are thinking the exact same thing. With that in mind, feel free to disregard this list of alternative careers that pay actual money at your own peril.
1. Office drone — Offices need drones and you’re a perfect fit. Remember that 3,000-word rant that completely invalidated something a paid journalist wrote on a much larger website? No one else does. Now get droning!
2. Customer service representative — Endlessly arguing with that less intelligent commenter who totally didn’t understand your masterful expression of logic and reasoning has taught you how to calmly deal with people you’ve never met and that’s why customer service is for you. Just remember that when an irate customer doesn’t accept what you have to say, it’s because they’re blinded by their Liverpool bias.
3. Salesman — You can’t come close to selling ad space on your blog, even if you somehow have hundreds of thousands of pageviews each month? Well, there are plenty of used car lots willing to pay you a meager, commission-based wage to not sell things. “But I’m creative and I have the first three seasons of Mad Men on Blu Ray!” you’re saying. Well so does my nephew. And he’s both poor and 11!
4. Stay at home parent — You obviously have no desire or sense as to how you should build a realistic livelihood for yourself, so have a child with someone more practical and industrious than you and then raise that child to be as much like them as possible. This is actually useful to society, unlike your condescending responses to quotes from professional athletes.
No matter what career you end up settling on so you can eat a variety of foods that are slowly killing you, please continue taking courses at FutSail Online University so you can keep the dream alive!
Check out Brooks’ own proper lectures at the awarding winning Dirty Tackle.