Ask An American Soccer Fan: Euro 2012

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I grew up reading the Onion, a satirical online newspaper. One of my favorite features is when they ask a few random Janes and Joes about a pressing issue. The answers range from obscure to hysterical to spot-on. All shed light on the different slices of Americana. In that respect, I thought: what would the different types of American soccer followers say about the big topics of today? Please note that by follower, I include haters, casual fans, and die-hards. After all, we form part of the same sport spectrum.

Thus, here’s a slice of what folks in the US answered when asked: What are your thoughts on the European Championships so far?

…A Rush Limbaugh Listener

The homosexual conspiracy doesn’t want you to even realize that it exists. That’s the most insidious part!

…A Soccer Hipster

Wenger’s been mis-playing Arshavin at winger for years. He’s really an enlace or trequartista. It’s like, d’uh. D’uh.

…A Mexican-American

Jermaine Defoe got some serious minutes in England’s first game. Damn, bueyy. Gio’s gonna have a tougher time cracking that Spurs lineup. Chingado.

…A Nascent Middle-Aged Fan

Yeah that Messi guy is pretty fun to watch. Too bad they lost to Chelsea awhile ago.

…A Soccer Mom

What team does Gareth Bale play for again?

Editor’s Note: I wrote this post right before the Euro’s started, and, of course, the real life Onion posted something similar before I could pull the trigger and publish it. Check out their own take on this same topic.

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