We are honored at Futfanatico to welcome Friedrich Nietzsche as a visiting scholar, classical philologist, philosopher, and soccer analyst. The German intellectual heavyweight took a break from his grueling publish or perish schedule to answer pressing questions on the European Championships, the gay science, post-nihilist studies, and the final between Italy and Spain.
His answers will probably confuse (but may amuse) you.
Q: Does the scrawny Andrea Pirlo, Andres Iniesta, or Xavi Hernandez fit your definition of “Ubermensch”?
A: The Ubermensch reflect the ultimate potential and realization of the human species. We must never forget that, as Darwin articulated, a specie’s goal is to advance, grow, prosper, survive, conquer, and dominate. You either dominate or you are dominated. Iniesta and Xavi have just dominated Pirlo’s Italy, thus, despite their impish frames, they are the Ubermensch of soccer. To say otherwise would negate the origins of the species.
Q: You wrote that “God is Dead,” yet Franz Beckenbauer is still alive and only 66 years old. When do you plan to retract that statement?
A: The death of God is but the realization that the concept of God within your mind is a fiction. Some believe that “God” was a necessary fiction for humanity to unite and prosper, yet surely such an excuse holds no weight any longer in today’s civilization. Franz Beckenbauer will also someday be dead both materially and in regards to the principles he represents. Prepare yourselves. I shall miss his weekly column for Kicker.
A: There can only be two types of persons and midfielders: masters or servants. Sergio Busquets plays just in front of the backline, wins tackles, and intercepts opposing team’s passes. He’s also a kinda whiny little bitch that nobody likes. He is a servant. Xavi and Xabi Alonso, however, dominate through their decisions and passing. Xabi also scored two goals in the quarterfinal. He is indisputably a master. As is Xavi.
Q: You articulated the “perspectivist” concept that no single value can be held higher than another. However, can’t we agree that Spain’s tiki taka approach has gotten less pleasant on the eyes?
A: To ascribe a value we must first agree on a universal set of principles. However, across humanity, no such universal set of principles exists. We must embrace radical relativity in regards to perception, including the greatest fictional social construct of all: morality and values. For an Italian watching the final, it was a painfully slow death that worsened when Motta got injured. For a Spaniard, it was celebration of first touch passing. For a neutral, we all giggled at Fernando Torres scoring and realized the game was a big joke. Your eyes determine how pleasing Spain’s tiki taka is. There is no universal consensus, nor can there ever be.
Q: When you wrote “The Gay Science,” did you mean “gay” as in, like, dudes that dig dudes, or “gay” as in happy? Or both? Or was it ambiguous on purpose? Is Antonio Cassano a homophobic idiot?
A: The latter.
Q: In “Thus Spoke Zarathustra,” you spoke of the need for greater individualism and personality development. Has the revitalized German national team met your hopes?
A: The German National Team has but one goal, and that goal is to dominate and become master of European soccer. However, they have failed to attain that goal. I am unhappy, in as far as the fictive concept of a nation state means that I am associated with them. The semi-finals are no cause for celebration nor satisfaction. There’s not even a third place playoff game. Until they are masters, they cannot speak of individualism and development. The ultimate development is the attainment of success. This they have not done.
Q: In “The Birth of Tragedy,” you articulate the idea that Athenian spectators at a play could joyously affirm their own existence by witnessing the fictional tragedy. Does this explain why the English go nuts over the Three Lions quarterfinal exits every two years?
A: In analyzing theater, many analysts use a magnifying glass to stare at the actors’ performance, the set’s construction, and the contours of the script. However, we must take a step back to see the structural and social role of the arts in any society. For Athenians, theater served as a valve and focus for suffering, empathy, and forgetfulness. By watching plays of the less fortunate, Athenians could engage their empathetic emotions without actually changing the realities of their social structure. Despite these great works of art, slavery existed. The poor suffered. The English National Team serves as a similar opiate, albeit more monotonous and with less prospects for success.
A: History holds no mystery for those that know how to read her. With closely trained eyes, the past becomes clearer and we recognize the past. The master will dominate the servant. The values and morals and Gods of today will be scorned by the future as antiquated. Conflicts will simmer. Civilizations will fall into decay. Spain will lose a tournament. I’m as sure of it as I am that you will die, humanity will cease to exist, and we will all be forgotten in a few millennium, if not sooner.
Q: Your writing is credited with raising the “epistemological infinitely regressive” inquiry – basically, we try to take a step back to look at knowledge as a concept, but can never ourselves truly escape the limits of our own knowledge. In sporting terms, it’s like trying to nick a ball off Xavi, Xabi, or Iniesta. Can anything be done?
A: A simple professional foul should do the trick.