The Creepy Soccer Instruction Video Files #59 – “A Kick Medical Emergency”

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Unlike the “freestyle soccer friend” video from last week, this video and this device terrify me enough to warrant some analysis. Be sure to watch the video first here.

Now, we discuss.

As background, I get sad and teary-eyed by all these American youth sports training devices that revolve around one premise: you have zero friends, and thus must play/train alone. Presumably, if you play soccer with a friend, then your friend will return your pass, and there’s no need for bungee chords. However, I acknowledge that not everybody plays well with others. Also, some kids live on remote ranches in compounds with tall fences covered by barbed-wire. These kids deserve the same chance to perfect the sweetly struck volley.

So, more specifically, the Kick Medic. Anytime I see the word “medic,” I know it’s not referring to a doctor or a nurse. Thus, my first instinct is to check the National Registry of Emergency Medic-al Technicians. They have a super user-friendly website.

I didn’t know if the Kick Medic was a fully licensed EMT or not, so I figured I’d check out his credentials. To do that, I needed the Kick Medic’s address. In the contact info on the site, no mailing address shows up. Just a phone number: (239) 464-5000. Suspicious, no?

I remained undeterred. It’s a US number, and the area code is for Southwest Florida. Kick Medic’s corporate name is also Premier Futbol Concepts, LLC. I didn’t know the city where Kick Medic resided, but the two major cities in Southwest Florida are Ft. Myers and Naples.

I searched for these four possible combinations: Kick Medic in Ft. Myers and Naples, and Premier Futbol Concepts LLC in Ft. Myers and Naples. The result? Err, the results?

Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Apparently, the Kick Medic is no medic. This is disturbing, especially as the website purports to cure serious medical illness, such as the common kick. I researched the unauthorized practice of medicine, and it’s illegal to hold ones’ self out as a health professional and give formal medical advice.

However, a person or entity can give general advice on medical issues. Thus, Leslie Osborne’s claims that “success in this game is no accident” and “the more you train, the better your get” are probably okay. The rest of her comments are the general blowhard promises of sales for any product. For example, if I were to say that Ibuprofen will cure your colon cancer, or that Advil will cure your early onset dementia, then that’d be perfectly okay. Such far-reaching claims are essential to selling crappy, defective products to unsuspecting and poorly educated fools. Therefore, they are okay. The economy simply couldn’t spin without them.

Nevertheless, Twellman’s claim that the Kick Medica is “tailor-made” just may get him in hot water legally. “Tailor-made” clearly means “specific,” and thus is pretty close to particular medical advice. I haven’t seen the Twellman drills DVD, but imagine slow motion closeups of all six of his glorious goals for the US National Team with a voice-over on endless loop bellowing “Thanks Kick Medic!”

In sum, your kids don’t have any friends, and you need to buy them an unlicensed Kick Medic to cure their common kick and tonsillitis.

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