Post In Which I Throw Down the Gauntlet With the NYT Goal Blog

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Some folks would accept happily second place. These same people sleepwalk through life and constantly either rationalize their pathetic, empty existence or, worse, lie to themselves that said existence is neither pathetic nor empty. Don’t feel pity for the hollow shells of living men that still haunt the flesh of this Earth. Feel contempt. And disgust.

What does that have to do with the above image?

Last night, I was carefully tallying up the vote totals and awards for the super prestigious fourth edition of the Futfanatico-hosted, Futfanatico-sponsored, and Futfanatico-slanted end of year blogging awards. The results were good. Quite good.

In the “Best Futfanatico Blogger Banned at R/soccer” category, Mr. Elliott Turner was the clear victor.

In the “Best Futfanatico” end of year eBook category, “They’re all fucking amazing” won. Much to my delight.

In the “Best Futfanatico Kickstarter Campaign” category, Mitt Romney won with over 75% of the popular vote. However, he was disqualified because he relied on non-Kickstarter contributions to his campaign. Thus, the Real Madrid & Barcelona Kickstarter campaign won. Sorry, Mitt. Good luck with that not being President thing. Better luck next year. As for everybody who voted for Mitt, fuck you.

In the “Best self-created Futfanatico Awards” category, “this very same year” took the cake and won. I am elated. Who knew that the fourth edition of awards created by and for me would someday be better than the prior editions of awards created by and for me? It’s the stuff of fairy tales!

In the “Best Futfanatico blogger to get published at the Guardian” category, Mr. Elliott Turner again won, but only beat out E. Turner by a single vote. Photo finish! Sorry, no mandatory recounts here like in Florida. The Supreme Court dodges a bullet.

Lastly, in the “laziest blogger who only posted three times a week” category, the “Best Director” and “Best Film” categories of this particular awards event, the grand-prize winner (drum roll) was…..Elliott T!!!!

Confetti. Champagne. After parties. Hot tubs. Back rubs. Nose candy. Eye candy. V.I.P. Table service. None of that happened. Nope. Sadly, immediately after winning all these amazing awards, I checked on the Amazon blog subscription stats for Futfanatico – and, to my chagrin, a big, fat, ugly “second place” flickered onto my screen. Can you say buzz kill?

My first reaction was to petition for a “Best Soccer Blog on Amazon Kindle Futfanatico Blog” category, but, alas, the voting deadline was long passed. I had already started to pen a tactful “consolations from gracious winner” email for Fredorrarci and Brian Phillips, two of my favorite writers who sadly just missed out on a proper nomination (Good luck at TheClassical and Grantland), but I lost the motivation.

Thus, despite winning all these awards all these years, the Goal Blog is in my sights. Yes, I respect Jack Bell immensely, both as an editor and also for standing up on twitter for labor in benefits negotiations with the NYTimes Co. Yes, a little part of me dies every time something named a “blog” runs an Associated Press article, but that’s life.

And for 2013, expect war. I will do everything possible to win the prestigious “Best Soccer Blog on Amazon Kindle that is Not the NYT Goal Blog” award in 2013. ANYTHING. Even if it means burning some bridges….

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