Cristiano Ronaldo is your favorite villain. Admit it. If Messi is the no-talking, smooth-walking midget that scores goals, wins trophies, and wins over your heart, then Cristiano Ronaldo is the pompous peacock who begs for your eyeballs while turning your stomach. Ronaldo needs to win games and needs your love, while Messi just seems like some precociously talented dude who wishes the world would leave him the fuck alone. How can you not love somebody who doesn’t need your love?
Still, folks latch onto Ronaldo’s every move and exaggerate. For example, at the recent Ballon d’Oro awards, Leo Messi won and Ronaldo lost. Sky Sports caught a pic of Ronaldo’s face. It was not pretty. However, nobody can read Ronaldo’s mind. We don’t know exactly why his face shrunk into a wrinkly and petulant frown. Instead of jealousy, other explanations abound.
Here they are.
At the Balon d’Oro ceremony, delicious appetizers were served. However, unbeknownst to the organizers, Cristiano is very very allergic to goat cheese. It’s so bad that if he eats food prepared in the same pan as a pan in which said cheese has been sauteed recently, he grows violently ill. Thus, Ronaldo was not jealous. He ate one of those mini-sandwiches and the meat must have touched said pan which earlier was used to saute said cheese.
Paris Hilton Flashback
A few summers ago, Ronaldo made a pretty bad mistake. He went to Las Vegas and then Los Angeles and, ahem, got to know a former celebrity and hotel fortune heiress. At the moment Messi’s name was announced, CRon thought “the only way I can overcome this grief is a bender in Vegas and…oh oh oh….uggggghhhh….forget that.”
As many of you know, Cristiano is a fitness freak. Like all mega-rich, he owns a house with a pool. Unlike other, lazier mega-rich folks, he actually uses it. Thus, we should not be surprised that CRon exercises every muscle in is body – including his face. At this particular time, he was stretching his left cheek. Of course, when a normal human like you or I stretches a cheek, it requires little effort. However, when a super athlete like CRon stretches said cheek, it requires super human exertion and the utmost precision. Hence the serious look on his face. Poor guy.
Fly In Nose
A picture says a thousand words, but a video tells a story. This particular image could conceivably have caught CRon in the very early stages of “fly-in-nose-detection.” If that’s the case, the photographer probably heard a buzz and instinctively clicked, catching CRon right as he feels a weirdly warm yet tingling sensation in his left nostril. Sadly, no follow-up pictures have been found to confirm this hypothesis. Presumably, they would include an image of a face of total & utter disgust with mouth wide open, an image of him standing and flailing his arms, and, lastly, an image of him carefully rolling a KIeenex into a reverse mini-stalactite to bravely try and remove said fly.
Baby Mama Drama
Cristiano is a father. And he’s not just any father. While many dads deny paternity or, ufff, only begrudgingly pay child support in gigantic jars of pennies & nickles, CRon actually took custody of his child from his baby mama and, allegedly, paid her hush money to stay out of the media. We will never know if it is because she is ugly as a toad or, more likely, CRon fears that she will follow the trail of past girlfriends and give grossly disgusting and detailed interviews. Regardless, CRon could have just received text from the baby mama asking for a really expensive pair of diamond earrings to keep her silence and anonymity. Like all NBA all-stars, these frequent demands can wear a guy out.
Pique’s Un-brushed Teeth
In a quirk of seating, Cristiano sat right in front of Barcelona defender and-Shakira-heart-breaker Gerard Pique. Things got awkward during the highlight montage when FIFA repeatedly showed CRon blowing by Pique and scoring a goal through Victor “I’m not really even here” Valdes. Even worse, Gerard Pique allegedly did not thoroughly brush his teeth before the event and, in a few exchanges, blew some pretty rancid air into CRon’s jetstream. The smell lingered.
CRon loves his hair. He has sported some innovative do’s, including the Iguana mini-fauxhawk and the totally different Iguana full-fauxhawk. Thus, he was totally freaked out that rising Brazilian star had just stolen his idea for a new look: the lopsided uncircumcised penis. The entire night, CRon felt a little bit older, a little bit less edgier, and couldn’t help but try and brainstorm up a new hairdo to impress his fans. At this particular moment, inspiration struck and he thought of a lopsided partially circumcised penis. Then, he thought, how does that even happen? Uggh.
IMAGE CREDIT: Sky Sports via Dirty Tackle
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