Yawn. It’s end of the year awards time again. Just when you take a break from building your own museum and think your trophy case couldn’t possibly support any more weight, you go and be amazing for a year and have to expand said case. Don’t you just hate being you? Oh, wait, you’re not me.
In fact, neither you nor I is Futfanatico. Futfanatico is a domain name for a website. So how on Earth did it get nominated for a lifetime achievement award?
Futfanatico said so. That’s how. In the infancy of this website, we poked fun at “online writing awards” and toyed with the motif of a kleptocratic Latin American democracy. Daniel Ortega of Nicaragua was our model. We joked and rewrote constitutions, scratching off
term-limits and adding “post-election jacuzzi parties.” Guess what – Daniel doesn’t even have to bother with such inconvenient formalities as “the rule of law” anymore. Nor do we.
Thus, despite only existing for five years and not being a sentient being, Futfanatico has been nominated for a Lifetime Achievement Award and you the reader have a duty to vote for it. Like, right now. Instead of using PollDaddy like in years past, which is way too transparent, you must email your vote to Futfanatico(AT)gmail(DOT)com. In the subject line, put “Futfanatico Lifetime Achievement Award”, in the actual email, please only write “Futfanatico.com”.
Emails that fail to follow the above protocol will be discarded as voting fraud faster than you can Republican. Voting will close Wednesday, December 18, with the winner (me) announced Thursday, December 19. If nobody sends in an email, Futfanatico will win as the only candidate.
As always, this award is the purest form of corrupt direct democracy. Straight vote. No electoral college. No elitist judges. No to-be-named “famous soccer writer” dude who can use this award to settle some scores with twittercritics or bloggers. Just you, your vote, and your ideal candidate: Futfanatico. And you can of course trust me, the candidate, those ballots. No risk of rival ballots finding their way to a chureka (landfill).