7 Things with a Softer First Touch than Jozy Altidore

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Many people don’t know this, but in addition to his role as a medieval siege weapon, Jozy Altidore is actually a professional, international footballer. It has even been rumored that Altidore has not yet worked this out himself, however the facts do not lie: Jozy Altidore has played in 67 games for the USMNTurtles. Rumor has it that he is even paid a weekly wage by BPL team, Sunderland Black Cats United.

However, since retiring from his job as a heavy blunt object, Altidore has struggled in his new role of professional footballer. In particular he needs to work on his first touch, so we have compiled a list of seven things Jozy can use as inspiration for improvement in this area :

1) Sandpaper

2) An Electric Fence

3) A Container Full of Scorpions

4) Razor Wire

5) Police Taser (set to 50,000 watts)

6) Pterois (Lion Fish)

7) A full cavity strip search

Check out John’s non-listicle soccer site, Proven Quality. You can also follow him and the gang on twitter here.

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