Barack Obama Destroys Hope of US Soccer World Cup Win (Singlehandedly)

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I am such a bleeding heart liberal that I need regular blood transfusions to prevent cardiac arrest. I will defend LBJ’s “Model Cities” initiative to the end, and not so secretly took some delight upon hearing of the passing of Ronald Reagan. During the two terms of George W. Bush, I lived in Spain, Portugal, Argentina, the Dominican Republic, and Nicaragua. If I spoke a third language other than Spanish and English, I probably would have moved to an even farther away country. Sadly, though, my Arabic and Mandarin Chinese are not so polished.

Thus, of course, I voted for Barack Obama and waited for him and government to immediately solve all of my life’s problems. And then he stabbed me in the back.

If you watched the World Cup this past summer, you may have noticed a trend: the US escaped from a group of death, played focused (if limited) soccer for 90 minutes, and featured a German coach and several German players. Well, that’s not the right term. The squad featured several players who were dual nationals – both German and American. These players, one of them Jermaine Jones, had American dads but grew up in Germany where they learned the game and eventually played in the Bundesliga.

But how did so many physically fit American men show up in Germany to populate with German women? American military bases, that’s how. And Barack Obama, who allegedly is a soccer fan and fan of the US national team, has tightened the military budget to the point where those bases in Germany now are likely to be closed. If those bases close, then guess what – the flow of German-American dual nationals into the USMNT will effectively stop.

Thus, there’s really only thing left for true blue, American patriot USMNT fans to do….

This upcoming Presidential election, I will not be voting for Barack Obama. Will my stance come under criticism from the Left as too conservative and from the Right as too soft? Probably. There’s also the question of term limits. Allegedly, Barack will not be a candidate in 2018. However, like my FIFA World Cup boycott, this protest is online and thus purely symbolic anyway. Details, tsk tsk. Will you join me?

Of course, Obama could always flip flop and let the bases stay open. He could also issue an executive action nationalizing all players in the Bundesliga. If the success of recent immigration movements shows us anything, it’s that Barack is sensitive to public pressure, protests, and media scrutiny. I was totally going to start a change.org petition, but forgot my user name and password (and am too lazy to click that “send email” button on a website somewhere).

Thus, when the US doesn’t win the World Cup in the future, we all now know who to blame: Barack Obama, closer of bases, un-keeper of promises, slayer of hope.

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