A Brief History of Do You Remember that Time…I Wrote Something Weird?

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Today the “Best Of” eBook for 2014 is on sale at Amazon for a buck. In honor of this Earth altering occasion, I went through and cataloged the weirdest, most bizarre things I have ever written at this site. They can basically be broken down into three sections: (1) Ferenc Puskas, (2) Hostile Takeovers, (3) Faux Literary, and (4) Fake Interview. Please note that the first one is not a typo. I did not include Junito because it’s only natural to blog about your preciously talented son, and my derided end-of-year awards invented to award me were just ahead of their time.

Still, here is some seriously weird stuff tangentially related to soccer for your re-reading pleasure. Or first-time reading pleasure for you soulless bandwagoners. 

Several years ago, I attempted a seance with the spirit of Ferenc Puskas. And succeeded. Turns out this apparition actually had a gmail account and courteously responded to a few of my gchat invitations. He allegedly enjoys goat’s blood, which I assume is a Hungarian thing. Here is the last such post which has a nice summary. Sorry the images got deleted, but my HTML and MYSQL consultant dropped the ball in a WordPress upgrade. (Editor’s note: I am my own HTML and MYSQL consultant).

Not surprisingly, this totally amazingly popular and SEO black-hatted-to-death domain has been sought after by many media folks. For a few years, major companies tried to buy this site out from under my nose, usually with mixed success. By “mixed”, I mean “none.” Here are a few examples:

One year, the Puffington Host, spearheaded by the illustrious Dr. Moschlavius Gumperteer, tried to buy the site and use it to get some serious traffic hits. It started here. Then, some guest content creators showed up. This was the highlight before the good Dr. disappeared to the Caymans.

Another year, we got a very serious bid from FutSail Online University. the premier For Profit online university accredited by the prestigious Council of For Profit Online Universities. Here’s how it started. Here a guest lecture. Here’s the highlight. Here’s where it went terribly wrong.

Lastly, FutFeed turned this site into a Listicle paradise for sports fans. Paragraphs were downsized to sentence length and analysis was outsourced and replaced by pictures not owned by Getty. Naturally, the hits soared and crashed our servers. These pieces of online content about Ashley Young, Danny Sturridge and Arjen Robben (and James Milner) were particularly….um…..what’s the adjective I’m looking for…..um……listiclely? A guest listicler from the UK even cut into Jozy Altidore. The nerve!

Here are some of my favorite Fake Interviews from over the years:

Ayn Rand waxed MLS Cup (and David Beckham).

Baudrillard shed light on an emerging phenomena in the early 21st century: US celebrities liking Arsenal.
Habermas spilled the beans on Real Madrid.

Zizek graciously predicted the 2010 World Cup final.

Nietschze’s thoughts on the 2012 European Championships were invaluable.

William Turner waxed on Queer Theory and LVG’s first season at United.

And we can’t forget Freire and Lacan.

Here are some of my favorite Faux-Literary posts from over the years:

My Joyce preview of the EPL tried to stay true to the incomprehensible cadence of Ulysses while subtly revealing my disgust at City’s title the prior year.

The Hemingway EPL preview relied on short sentences and bar-hopping to show that if you dare to dream it, and a Russian oligarch will fund it, the highly probable just may come true.

The Savage Detectives has nothing on “The Savage Defective”, but is a so so a tale of an American who traveled to the UK and got trapped in the unpaid intern mascot trade.

Here’s a glance Andrea Pirlo’s unauthorized bio: I Think, Therefore I PlayStation

And here’s Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s fabricated *unofficial* autobiography: The House on Amiralsgatan Street.

Please consider sparing a buck to buy my new eBook so I can continue to churn out this filth. The more you buy, the more filth. Pinky swear. You can also subscribe to this blog on your Kindle.

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