SoccErotica: Sensible SportsWriter Feeds You Steamy Takes

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Oh, hello again. You didn’t forget me, did you? After our exhausting adventure with team touch zones, I knew you’d be fatigued. But now you’ve had your chance to rest, to catch a breath, to relax those tense tense muscles. Now that the English Premiership has swung back into action, you and I need to get those juices flowing.

Just close your eyes and open wide.

The yawnable prose of soccer writing can normally be divided into two categories: hot takes, and hotter takes. Thus, we true artists (romance novelists and YA series mongers) tip-toe through a lake of burning coals when spinning our stories. And we know deep down you, the reader, feel like Goldilocks locked in the dining room of a Bear house with only scolding hot porridge. You deserve better. Your tongue deserves better.

Thus, there will be no hot takes this time. Just really measured, slow, steamy ones, like a Grant Wahl USMNT rundown or a Sid Lowe piece that hedges its argument against similarly hedged arguments earlier in the same piece. Just let me grab your hand, not too hard, don’t worry, and guide you on a pleasant walk as we speculate sensibly on the future, daring not to dream too dreamily and with lots of empathy. Poor baby. You deserve this.

First off, I’m really sorry that your team’s new signings aren’t quite gelling. i just know how the hair stood on the back of your neck when you read that ESPNFC transfer rumor citing the player’s agent’s mother, and you dared to ask: “Could this be true?!?!?!?! Could this really be happening to me, errrr, the team I support?!?!?!?!?” I saw your eyes like saucers glued to the screen as images popped up of a passed medical.

You didn’t even let possible future costs in the form of add-ons dampen your enthusiasm. You were a child in a candy shop, licking every lollipop you could wrap your tongue around. So I understand your double sad that the new signing has disappointed by not scoring an opening day hat-trick. Don’t worry, though. I hear that’s rare for a defender anyway. Tomorrow will bring another day.

Secondly, please accept that condolences for the future where and when you beloved coach continues to stick with that tactical system which does not work. What is up with him being so stubborn and pigheaded? Don’t you just want to tie him to a chair and lash some sense into him, Fifty Shades of Grey style? He needs to learn that flexibility is the key to happiness. Nobody likes a stiff cock. Unless, of course, they do.

Well, that’s all the steaminess you get for now. Like the condensation on the bathroom mirror after a shower, I must disappear into the Heavens from whence I came.

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