A Prayer for the Stool of Luke Shaw

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Privilege envelopes us all. Take you, for example. The other day you sat down, pulled out your smartphone, and began to nonchalantly peruse both Youtube videos and Facebook posts. About five minutes later, you stood up, pulled up your pants, put your phone in your pocket, and washed your hands. Soft as a mother’s hug, warm as freshly baked biscuits, malleable as play doh, your stool had just oozed out of your anus with the subtly of a secondary character in a Franzen novel. And you barely noticed.

Awash in pictures of friend’s new babies and adorable animal videos, you remained impervious to the privilege of having soft stool and the ease with which said soft stool exits the orifice between your legs. Not everybody is so lucky. In fact, I bet Manchester United young starlet Luke Shaw would kill to swap places with you. But you can help.

A few months ago, Luke Shaw’s leg was broken in two places by a horrific tackle during the Champions League. Fans were gutted. LVG optimistically spoke about a possible return within three-four months, but we know the truth: next season is more likely. Yes, we saw Shaw visit Carrington not too long ago, but, trust me, he’s in a dark place. I know this because I too broke my leg in two places while playing soccer this past May. As Proust said more or less, “morality is our mistress, but pain is our master.” That stuff hurts.

Equally bad, though, is the pain medicine and its secondary effects. The really good stuff that will not rot your teeth or get you addicted has a pretty bad side: it renders you stool (aka “poop”) harder than the underground concrete foundation of Ft. Knox. If the X-Men universe was 10% more realistic, than Wolverine’s adamantium claws would have their origins in this cosmically tough substance. Of course, hard stool in and of itself is not a bad thing. It’s the, ahem, exit that really stinks.

I am not Luke Shadw’s doctor or even a close acquaintance. However, I would wager that poor Lukey has had some hard nights sitting on the can. Yogurt. Stool-softeners. Smoothies. Berries. Nuts. These things can help to soften up the blow, but what Luke Shaw really needs is you. Regardless of your club or religious faith, think some warm, positive, wholesome thoughts tonight about Luke Shaw and his hard hard stool.

Collectively, our positive vibes can travel across the globe and help Shaw in his darkest of hours. Show some empathy. If you were sitting in the same spot, you’d like the same.

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