Everything you need to know about “that” 12 second FC Barcelona VINE

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I am aware that many of you read this fine blog on eInk Kindles and cellphones. Thus, you can’t always see Vines or GIFs. Thus, here is a link to the FCB Vine we will be dissecting today. Please take a moment to see said VINE. Did you? Excellent.

Now allow me to paint the most vivid of pictures.

You may recall my look at fashion manager style for the last World Cup at Soccer Gods. I’ve also analyzed a few soccer short films aka commercials and clips from games. When I first saw this 12 second clip, I admit to being totally mesmerized, it was like Medusa had stepped in front of me but instead of turning to stone my ass was glued to a desk chair and my eyes to a glorious HD PC screen. There is more going on both superficially and beneath the depths than in a Paul Thomas Anderson film.

And no, that’s not an insult. Well, kinda.

First off, Suarez. We dislike him because he has done some racist things in the past and feigned apologies. Still, you can’t help but admire a man who wears a sleeveless vest over a sweatshirt. The gray hoodie conceals his forehead, but actually accentuates his well-fined and not-plucked-since-Xavi-left eyebrows. Suarez boldly proclaims his Munster heritage and says to us all: “you will love me for the tragically flawed human being that I am.”

In his right hand, Suarez carefully balances a thermos and a Yerba mate gourd, including the bombilla (“Metal straw”). I’m really not surprised that the garra of Suarez can handle both thermos and gourd – recall that this is the same paw which regularly gets a fistful of defender jersey on setpieces.

In the other hand, Suarez holds a high-end lunchbox. I like to think that in said high-end lunchbox small plastic bags of carefully slice oranges rest, waiting opening. And that said oranges have satiated his hunger for the taste of defenders’ shoulders.

Messi. Lionel Messi, that is. Ignore the faded and possibly torn blue jeans. Gander at that sweater. Does life exist on other planets? Maybe. Do good things come in small packages? Often. I could only get a blurry screengrab of Lionel’s sweater. What is that? At first I thought – here lies the final resting place for Felix the Cat. It is reassuring that Leo Messi the demi-god of soccer is currently wearing a Christmas sweater that is uglier than the one you got from your aunt and uncle three years ago. It is disturbing that Leo Messi the millionaire is currently wearing a Christmas sweater that is uglier than the one you got from your aunt and uncle three years ago.

Neymar’s fedora and untucked white Hippie shirt say “Boy Band” but the glasses say “Solo Project Forthcoming.” His backpack is delightfully tiny and also studded, so watch out.  If it ever comes to fisticuffs, you’ve been warned. Neymar’s cell phone is so large your iPad Pro pales in comparison and said mobile phone operates in three different zip codes at a single time. Said “mobile” device has to charge at least 16 hours per day. He can’t live without it. 

Lastly, elder statesmen Dani Alves donning leather. Would you have it any other way?


Editor’s note: Gerard Pique’s Twitter gave us a clearer glimpse at Messi’s sweater. It is skulls. And he presumably is not on his way to a death metal concert. Chew on that.

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