Q & A: Silky Johnson Explains Why Every Player You Ever Loved In Fact Sucks

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Every now and then, we at Futfanatico land a huge interview about futbol with an unexpected celebrity. Once we got Slavoj Zizek to predict a World Cup final. Another time, Jean Baudrillard turned his piercing gaze to American celebrity fans of Arsenal. While Rolling Stone barely nicked us to that Chapo interview, we are delighted to welcome Silky Johnson, the greatest hater in the history of hating.

Silky, a professional hater who makes your ex’s bae look like a bubbling cauldron of optimism, will now brutally and flippantly degrade every player you have ever adored.

Q: Silky, lots of newer fans to the game focus on that eternally classic debate: Maradona vs. Pele. However, you’ve been pretty brutal in the past when talking about Diego Maradona. Please explain.

A: You mean aside from the performance enhancing drugs at USA 94 and all the post-career rehab stints? Well, it’s simple really: great players score goals in World Cup finals. There’s only one way to lose a final to Germany 0-1: you didn’t score.

Q: Silky, point taken, but, if that is your measure of success, then surely you must admit that Pele was a fantastically amazing player. He scored in the 1970 final vs. Italy after all.

A: One word and four numbers – England 1966. Where was Pele? If he had retired or something like MJ, I could understand it, but truly great players play through pain and play well. And he didn’t even play the whole tournament in 1962.

Q: I think we just may have to respectfully disagree on that one, but, turning now to more recent players, what did you make of Zinedine Zidane’s playing career?

A: I know what you’re thinking about where I’m going but, no, I don’t mind the headbutt in Germany 06. You drop the p-word, you get flattened. However, he won a single World Cup at home, so that’s a huge asterisk. Also, his France team needed extra time to beat Italy in the 2000 Euros. Why couldn’t they get it done in 90?

Q: Okay, well, talking about a player who has won numerous championships with club and country, what do you make of Xavi Hernandez?

A: How many trophies did he win without Andres Iniesta? Oh, that’s right, as the Spaniards say, “nada.” Let’s be honest: he got scrub playing minutes in the 2014 CL final and couldn’t get off the bench in the 06 CL final, a game in which Mark Von Bommel started. Mark….Von….Bommel.

Q: Well, ahem, I guess, but, using your own logic, surely you have to admit to the greatness of Andres Iniesta – he started and won four Champions League finals, a World Cup final, and two Euros?

A: Well, yeah, but, and I just want to throw this out: could he have gotten it done at the Copa America or in the Libertadores? More importantly, I think this guy has a whole higher level we’ve just never seen, hidden away like those tiny Russian dolls inside other dolls. And when he hits 40 and that elasticity leaves his legs, he’ll be shit. Utter shit. You won’t see me paying to watch his Legends games at the Camp Nou.

Q: Not very convincing points, but let’s transition to the debate of the last decade, Ronaldo vs. Messi. What holes, if any, do you see in Messi’s game?

A: Do not even get me started on this trash that’s never won a World Cup.

Q: And Ronaldo?

A: Same as Messi. He also refers to himself in interviews as a “brand.” Somebody please smack him. And he lost to Greece twice, at home, in the same tournament, while playing on the same team as Luis Figo.

Q: Oh, so you’re a Figo fan. But I dare to ask: what’s the matter with his long and quite successful playing career?

A: You mean aside from losing to Greece twice, at home, in the same tournament, while playing on the same team as Cristiano Ronaldo?

Q: Point taken. But what about Leo Messi’s compatriot at Barcelona, Neymar?

A: Even worse than Pele. Where did Neymar go during the 2014 World Cup semifinals? Missing, that’s where.

Q: You do of course realize that Pele suffered a serious groin injury in 1962 and Neymar fractured a vertebra in his spine during that game vs. Colombia?

A: I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you. I was too busy listening to a new remix of the world’s tiniest violin playing…

Elsewhere…

Friends, I wrote about the Jordan Morris-to-MLS debate for the Guardian and about why Wayne Rooney does not suck for Paste Soccer. Check’em out! A clickable good time!

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