Important CONCACAF Champions League Update: Travel’in Man Edition

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Let’s not shit ourselves: the CONCACAF Champions League is not even the best second-tier continental club competition with “Champions League” in the moniker. Where does it lay compared to, say, the Asian Club Champions League and African Champions League? I don’t know. I don’t care to know.

But, as with all sports competitions, glorious moments of spontaneity emerge.

If you’ve never been to Queretaro, Mexico, you probably haven’t noticed. Mexico offers Aztec ruins, fine tequila, delicious food, bustling metropolises, pristine beaches, and either “friendly” or “warm people” depending on which subtly colonialist tourist guide you are perusing. Quertaro does not top the list of places to visit for any of those guides. Queretaro appears on no bucket list. People you meet in the US or other parts of Mexico who have moved away from Queretaro are in no rush to return, barring a wedding or the probate of a will.

Yet DC United, before the MLS season had even started, visited Queretaro as part of the CONCACAF Champions League. And some cunning thief stole the players’ cash and phones from their lockers during the game. Here’s the best part: one of the MLS players checked his “where’s my iPhone” application shortly after the game and the phone had already arrived in Mexico City.

Normally the trip from Queretaro to Mexico City is about 2.5 hours via that blessed Distribuidor Vial, the 57D highway. A regular soccer match lasts only 90 minutes, with the two forty-five minute halves split in the middle for halftime. The article isn’t clear if the phone was stolen before or after halftime, but that’s still pretty fucking impressive time.

Recall that Mexico decided recently not to build a high-speed train between the D.F. and Queretaro. Can you blame officials? If stolen iPhones can make that trip in under an hour, why expend resources on a train. Hell, who needs a bullet train from Mexico City to Cancun – if iPhones can travel from Queretaro to the DF in such a short time, imagine if they could/did fly to Cancun towing us all along?

Many Mexicans outside the D.F. view the capital kinda like a black hole – a large, sinking, stinking mess of criminals and thieves where stolen goods congregate to be resold by street vendors and that really cocky prick from high school goes to university and lands some posh management job afterwards. The fact the D.F.’s gravitational pull can force an iPhone to speed faster than most automobiles will only reinforce these perceptions, methinks.

And D.C. United lost the match 2-0.

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