The Ultimate Hater’s Guide to Hating MLS and Circular Reasoning

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As the hater of choice for refined consumers such as yourself who don’t drink wine from boxes or eat cheese in small plastic-wrapped slices, you no doubt were disappointed, as was I, by Vuelta de Muerte‘s recent MLS preview. Basically, Patty Fiordorojo appears to enjoy MLS, be knowledgeable about MLS, and anticipate the MLS season with a small ounce of joy. This is in striking contrast to the typical MLS observations of Billy-you-know-who.

So, my friends, you are left to wonder: who will hate on MLS? Me. Your second favorite hater. And how? Circular reasoning, mon ami. That is how.

When in doubt, merely say to yourself: MLS sucks because…MLS sucks. Do not be persuaded by attendance statistics (they may not be 100% accurate OMFG), a rising quality of play evidenced on the field, improved TV deals, and better wages for players. Fall back on the classic tautology of democratic politics – repeat what you want to be true until it becomes the truth. And here are some more specific MLS circular reasoning barbs you can toss and how to respond to so called “advances.”

Star Mexican Player Signs for MLS. Remember that no “star” in his prime can sign for MLS. The second you sign for MLS, you cease to be a star. If a youngish Mexican player signs for MLS, then it’s because he could not hack it in Liga MX or Europe. Disregard the fact that Omar Bravo struggled at Sporting KC but returned down South to modest success. You care only for the perfect curvature of circular reasoning, not discordant linear logic with “counterpoints.”

USMNT Success. More than ever, players for the US national team ply their trade for MLS and cash in on that DP gravy train. Can you blame Michael Bradley for leaving quaint, little past-it’s-prime Rome for the bustling, cosmopolitan metropolis of Toronto? Yes. In fact, you hate Bradley and everyone else who, in your opinion, “settles” for MLS. So when the USMNT does well in a game or tournament with a roster full of MLS “bums”, give credit to our European coach. If there is no European coach, then give credit to luck, a divine entity, chance, or happenstance. MLS is only responsible when the US loses and/or under-performs.

Star European Player Performs Well in MLS. Remember that players who come to MLS from Europe are “passed it.” Do not ever ever look at their current age or most recent accomplishments. The second they put pen-to-paper and set foot on American soil, they are passed it. “It” is an imaginary boundary between good and bad, but with a few clear crossing points analogous to the international bridges between the US and Mexico. Basically, once you put that signature on a contract with MLS, you are leaving Matamoros for Brownsville. No turning back.

This is especially true for players like Ashley Cole who struggled near the end of their time in Europe and then came to MLS. If they do well, then that means the league must suck. After all, they couldn’t get regular starts in Europe but now start and perform well here. The only explanation is their opponents are inferior. No, no, it can’t be that a run of games and injection of confidence has helped. Nor should you be distracted by the fact that they are playing well surrounded by MLS teammates. They suck. End of story.

Star European Player Performs Poorly in MLS. This is much easier. If MLS plucks a player from Europe who arrives and under performs, then MLS sucks because it can’t even attract decent players. See what I just did there?

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