I am nothing, if not a skank of the clickbait variety. The other day while reviewing soccer “key words” that are popular on the Google, I noticed that Monday mornings quite a few Americans look for “yanks abroad.” At first, I failed to see the soccer connection. I figured some warm-blooded bros were looking for, ahem, some “poorly acted independent films of the ten-minute variety.”
But when I Googled “Yanks abroad”, I found something else: Americans care about how American soccer players play when not in the US. Except, of course, for one major gap.
Ever since Slapshot, Canada has existed in my head as the last truly great frontier of North America. Perhaps spending summers in Mexico as a youth spoiled me re: Southern border, but things up North are just kinda different. You can often pass pedestrian bridges between the US and Mexico with a driver’s license or a birth certificate, but when you go to Canada you are supposed to have your US passport (or foreign). Isn’t that neat??!!!!??!!!
Needless to say, I was sad and mad when I Googled “yanks abroad” and next to nobody wrote about American players who play in Canada, that foreign land of exotic sexiness so hot yet so cold that it is in fact hotter than hotness itself. Thus, I resolved to fill this gap in the soccer media landscape and pen this very important post. I carefully screened for all the Yanks Abroad (in Canada).
Toronto did not play in Canada this weekend. Neither did Vancouver. Edmonton does not have an MLS team yet. Winnipeg does not have an MLS team yet. Ottawa City does not have an MLS team yet. Even London, Ontario lacks an MLS team. Will Don Garber’s expansion plans to boast a 50-team first division by 2017 change that? Maybe.
In the meantime, there was a single MLS game played in Montreal (and maybe some NASL games – who the fuck knows). Rather than bore you by listing the names of each American who played in the Rapids vs. Impact game, and ranking/grading them Leander-style, here is a link to a game recap. I think you are now old enough and knowledgeable enough to watch the highlights and either confirm or dispel (ha) your prejudiced opinions which are not going to change in any meaningful way anytime soon.