What does your pathological dislike of Jurgen Klinsmann say about you?

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Hating Jurgen Klinsmann is so common, it’s passe. A GenXer columnist would write “it’s jumped the shark” and millenials would mock that columnist just for writing that trite expression. Even fedora-wearing creative types in Williamsburg have gotten over the Jurgen hate. Still, your hate fascinates me for different reasons: not because it is novel, or even very logical – it’s not. Rather, all hatred comes in different shapes and sizes, flavors and forms. And, simply put, I love variety (and haters).

Thus, I have used painstaking, peer-reviewed research (NOOOT) to create a guide to US fans based on how/why they hate Jurgen.

Your Gripe: Tactics –> Moderately Wankerish

Like Rafa Benitez, could you spend your entire honeymoon rambling to bae about the benefits of a four-four-two? Did you notice that Jurgen Klinsmann does not play the exact same tactical system for every single game in every single tournament? Does it bug you that he approaches a friendly with Honduras differently from a crucial World Cup group stage game vs. Portugal? Do you eat the same thing for breakfast every single day and love it?

You are not alone. Also, by comparison, you are somewhat moderate. Other people may make fun of your tactics boards and heatmaps, but deep down I think you just like to draw and have your drawings seen by the world. Who doesn’t? I will give your forthcoming podcast three stars on iTunes as a professional courtesy.

Your Gripe: Results –> Conventionally Wankerish

Coaches are paid to win games, daggumit. And also make players sing the national anthem, daggumit daggumit. Should the US have beat Argentina 6-0 in the Copa America semifinals and won the Gold Cup the summer before? Is every single friendly a life-or-death exercise in pride that must never be taken lightly?

When the US has the audacity to lose a game and/or play poorly, should the coach always be the focus of blame? Do you believe that a reasonably-trained golden retriever could coach the US talent pool to coast into the World Cup and make a deep run? Should the golden retriever be in line for a delicious assortment of pet treats and gourmet canned dogfood in the event the US gets out of the group stages?

Like the tactics soothsayers, you wank the wank of most wankers – win baby, win. Tis the crying call of the mass of sports fans.

And maybe you are right. Maybe every friendly is life or death. Maybe a Hunger Games alternate universe exists where a cruel prison-master sacrifices a human on an altar for every international calendar date where the US fails to win.

Please stay on your meds.

Your Gripe: Roster Selection –> Foolishly Wankerish

Are you mad that Jurgen does not play the same Starting XI in every single friendly? Does Jurgen not given enough MLS players a shot? Is Jurgen overlooking an unpolished diamond in Europe or Mexico? Is Jurgen playing a player out of position?

My friend, put the tube sock away and please find a new sport. In soccer, the coach only ever gets to pick eleven starters, a bench, and three subs per game. If you want to see a ton of people play, get into American football. Yes, the pervasive TV commercials are annoying, but lots of people play. Not just eleven.

It would be a great fit for you and your wrist needs the break.

Your Gripe: Statements to the Press (Shallow Talent Pool) –> Wankingly Wankerish

Does it bug you that Jurgen doesn’t think America is an assembly line of world-class soccer talent? Does Jurgen sometimes make stray remarks to the press that sound like perhaps he doesn’t think the US talent pool at his disposal is amazingly great and the envy of the modern world?

Forget that Bruce Arena called out DeMarcus Beasley at the 2006 World Cup and Bob Bradley first capped Jermaine Jones – US coaches are ambassadors of the nation who must always say nice things and only cap Americans, like, real Americans, the kind with two American parents that eat apple pie for breakfast, celebrate Thanksgiving, and attend Blue Lives Matter rallies.

Death cannot come knocking at your door soon enough, but that’s just my opinion.

Your Gripe: Statements to the Press (Hollow Promises) –> Hopelessly Wankerish

Did you gloss over Jurgen’s very early statements when new on the job and cherry-pick a handful of sentences that were foolishly optimistic? Do you disagree with this statement: a balanced reading of his early interviews show that, by and large, he talked generally about the need to develop a coherent system instead of explicitly stating what one he will choose? Or this one: can any job applicant land a job without some promise of hope?

Barack Obama did not usher in a new bipartisan era of politics FYI. Still, I admire you for wanting to hold Jurgen’s feet to the fire for vague promises made several years ago. Also,congratulations on that third divorce. Yeah, child support is a bummer, but you jumped the ship just in time to avoid alimony.

I know it’s been tough for you since your mother passed away, but someday you will find a woman that can stand you for more than, say, a single day. Yes, you will probably pay her a lot of money, but that’s the mark of a professional – getting paid for a valuable service.

And please stop following me on Twitter.

EDITOR’S NOTE: this is a proudly American soccer blog that normally prefers to use American English when possible. However, numerous consultations with fans across the pond supported the thesis that Jurgen is a decent coach with a decent-to-average roster doing an alright job. Also, the term “wanker” just fits so well.

Check out Elliott’s Tiny Letter about his forthcoming soccer novel.

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