The Best Last Names in the EPL

Posted on by

What’s in a name? Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet, as Shakespeare asked? Maybe. But maybe not. Names and words and language are important. They give structure to our thoughts, dreams, hopes, and values. When you learn to speak a second language and start to dream in it, you can float about and feel emancipated. A whole new world opens up for you.

Which is why I wrote this post about last names. Because they matter. And there are some amazing ones in the EPL.


Water. As noted in the historical documentary Zoolander, “moisture is the essence of wetness“, but water is the essence of moisture. Water covers most of the Earth. Simply put, humans need water to live. We normally ingest water through our mouths. And that’s why Danny Drinkwater has such a human, normal, salt of the Earth name.

Danny Gulpwater. Danny Boilwater. Danny Mineralwater. Nothing quite rolls off the tongue like the Leicester City midfielder who has worked his way into the national team picture. Also, lots of English last names are based on a profession like Baker and Miller. Imagine if Danny’s great great grandfather got paid to drink water. Imagine just how dirty that water was for a person to be paid to drink it, and just how far Danny’s come.

His full name also sounds like a complete sentence and the last name is a command when you say it with a stern tone.

Salomon RONDON

Accents are everything. My accursed English language keyboard denies me them, but for weird typing combinations I am too lazy to Google. It may only be two syllables, but the last name Rondon rolls out of your mouth with the ease of a bird in flight. Plus, even better, the last “o” in Salomon also has an accent. Thus you can three consecutive “oan” sounds, which is a record the last time I checked (never).


He may play for Hull City, but his last name belongs to the world. Before the Harry Potter films, I didn’t even know what snod was. In fact, I’m still not sure. Ron said the term a few times, yet the Urban Dictionary definition confused me. According to Merriam-Webster, in Scotland the term means “trim” or “neat.”

This is odd, because, in the Harry Potter context, “snod off” sounds like it really means “go away.” And what if you combined “go away” with “grass”? Imagine a St. Augustine vine grass that travels along the upper layer of ground and keeps moving like a snake, just below the surface. That is what I think of when you talk about the Hull City player.

And so should you.


In Spanish, the word “lamer” means “to lick” and the word “la” roughly translates to “it.” Thus, Spurs’ Argentine striker slash midfielder has a helluva last name: “Lick it.” Thus, is Erik the answer to that Kia song asking for a gentleman capable to throwing his neck into it? Maybe. If he can stay fit for more than five games.


Forget the double “a” in that first name, Stekelenburg is a last name you simply can’t forget. Does it remind you of Duckburg, the fictitious town in Ducktales? For me, Stekelenburg is a small city in the Great Lakes region aka the Rust Belt that is pivotal in this year’s election: many of the aging population are against free trade, uneasy about immigration, and just may vote Trump.

Also, Stekelenburg would be a fantastic name for a blimp if blimps were not an incredibly dangerous form of air travel that pretty much eased to exist decades ago.

Honorable Mentions: Lukaku (fun to say on a phonetic level); Shawcross (does not cross much – points for deception); and Borini (boring to watch – points for honesty).

Find out more info about Elliott’s quirky American soccer novel here.  He also shouts about futbol on Twitter.

Comments are closed.