As Alexander Pope wrote in his Essays on Criticism: “To err is human; to thirst, also quite commonplace.” For the last decade, fans of soccer have had our eye-balls assaulted by Cristiano Ronaldo. Basically, he is a dude that works out a lot, and wants everybody to know that he works out a lot. His skin is an unnatural orange presumably from over-tanning, he wears short shorts that would make a 1970′s NBA player blush, and he invents excuses to take off his shirt anytime a camera may be within five miles.
He has been mocked for his behavior. But I will now dive even deeper into this important, salient issue and raise two very profound points.
First, thirst is real, afflicts millions of men and women each day, and must be quenched. Cristiano Ronaldo cycles through girlfriends with regularity, and thus suffers from barren, desert-like conditions from time to time. His actions, though, are mocked in very vague ways that border on heterosexism. They often presuppose that the male body should not be sculpted, should not be gazed at, should never be an object – only a subject and a subversive one just out of sight.
Thus, Ronaldo deserves to be giggled at because of his narcissism. The dude clearly loves himself and thirsts after himself. When he looks at himself shirtless in the mirror, he enjoys a rush of endorphins equivalent to you or I downing two lemon-lime Gatorades in quick succession. Narcissism, my friends. He could sit by the shore of a lake and stare at his reflection until turning into a flower.
Yet, of course, there’s also some “beyond your average thirstyness” neediness. I refuse to include the aforementioned image in this post, but nobody wears a jacket like that. You wear a jacket because it is cold outside; not to only have cover your upper torso. Also, most people wear t-shirts under their jacket.
Ronaldo’s Twitter has gone from a safe space to peddling his blankets and other merch to a relentless “thirst-gauge zone” where he can measure his own sexiness by the number of likes and retweets. Yet, on another level, all of us do this. We seek approval from others, whether it be qualitative or quantitative. And we thirst from time to time. Thus, laugh at Ronaldo, but also feel sorry for him.
SECOND, and most importantly, an online conversation with noted investigative journalist dash super sleuth Jimmy Conrad confirmed a troubling fact: in many if not most of the Ronaldo shirtless images, he finds some way to cover his right nipple.I don’t want to be that clickbait headline journo who rushes to scream “Nipplegate.” Yet, on the other hand, I’m not sure another opportunity to type those words – Nipplegate – will ever present itself during my life.
So, what exactly is Cristiano Ronaldo hiding? A deformed nipple? Is it really huge? Does puss ooze out of it? Does it even exist? The handful of tandem exposed nipple pics of CRon could easily be photoshop jobs I remind you.
Keep your tinfoil hats on, and your eyes glued to social media. This story is still breaking and the conclusion is TBD.