Q & A: Terrible Human Being Scores Goals, Continues to be Terrible Human Being

Futfanatico is thrilled to announce this exclusive interview with a terrible person who scores goals for your favorite European soccer club, Barcentus CF. We are incredibly grateful to Carlos Luis Suavez’s PR folks for arranging this interview and hope he can finally dispel the rumors contrary to his being a terrible human being who scores goals.

Q: Carlos Luis Suavez, what has life been like on the Continent since your big summer move?

A: Coming to a big club like Barcentus CF has been a dream come true – I couldn’t make this up! Playing with stars like Massi and Reymar is fantastic – training with them everyday, you see just how good they are and they make you better and want to be even better.
Continue reading “Q & A: Terrible Human Being Scores Goals, Continues to be Terrible Human Being” »

Greed, Graft, FIFA and….Hope?

Textbooks. Don’t they smell nice? What with all that paper and ink and stuff. I remember when I was a student and had them. I also read a few. In fact, I studied Economics and recall vividly lots of convoluted hypothetical situations and painful historical analogies that purported to support different theories. Basically, capitalism exists because greed is good and the key to unlocking each individual’s potential. When we’ve unlocked each individual’s potential, then we unlock all of society’s potential. Or something.

And I can’t type about greed and goodness without writing about FIFA. Continue reading “Greed, Graft, FIFA and….Hope?” »

SoccErotica: the Rise and Hot Heat of “Team Touch Zones”

Hello again, dearest, beloved querido reader. Remember a few months ago this steamy post where I used the second person to include you in on some scintillating writing about root-and-branch analyses? English clubs were stinking up the Champions League, so you and I, hands firmly clasped, strolled about and ruminated (hint hint) as to why that was. We embraced, our breaths so close as to become one, and concluded the problem was the root which needed to be changed.

Now, I’m happy to say, I’m back for sloppy seconds. Why? Because a new soccer analytic has totally gotten the soccer world all steamy: “team touch zones.” Continue reading “SoccErotica: the Rise and Hot Heat of “Team Touch Zones”” »

Junito: Navigating Chutes & Ladders

My writing on Junito has grown intermittent the last few years, but rest assured, he continues to play footy at a high level on a regular basis. It has not been all smooth sailing. Yes, for the first few years after joining a soccer club, Junito loved to go to practice on weekdays. His energy reaffirmed our belief that he really likes soccer. However, another explanation lurked beneath the surface. At our last residence, we lived in a rougher part of town where he had few friends his own age, he could not run around outside unsupervised, and we had no game console. Thus, he was cooped up inside with no video game relief. Practice was an escape.

Flash forward two years. We live in a nicer neighborhood. Kids the same age as Junito flock around and form friendships. We even got a Wii, if only to allow his dad to assert MarioKart dominance on the SNES and N64 throwback levels. Junito continues to thrive at soccer and this year has started every single game for his club team. There’s just one problem: is his heart really in it? Continue reading “Junito: Navigating Chutes & Ladders” »

A Platonic Symposium on the Essence of International Friendlies

“To be or not to be”, that is not the question. If you are reading this, you exist. Whether you like that or not, that’s your own issue. Rather, the pertinent question is: why do international friendlies exist? What comprises their very essence? Luckily, through a time and space warp continuum, great past philosophers & poets & writers recently met in a modern setting, drank some wine, and discussed a similar issue plaguing Greece thousands of years ago: non-Olympic friendlies between athletes. Keep in mind, this is a story I heard from my friend James who was told it by this one dude at a college party one night about ten years ago, so there may be some inconsistencies.

Here are their conclusions, if any. Continue reading “A Platonic Symposium on the Essence of International Friendlies” »

The World’s Best International Players as Judged by Similarility of Names to Literary Figures

Some famous literary heavyweights loved the sport of soccer. For example, French philosopher Albert Camus, author of The Stranger, enjoyed him some football. While some snooty intellectuals such as Borges viewed it as the opiate of the masses, others have applauded and embraced the artistry of a fine first touch. To put it simply, once you’ve seen a Dennis Bergkamp goal, your jaw drops, your mind goes blank, and only the best prose can describe the void left in your heart by every minute of the day you don’t see Bergkamp score.

Thus, it was no surprise that I noticed an odd pattern: many players on national teams around the world share names cannily similar to literary heavyweights. Wouldn’t it be beautiful for these two worlds to meld into one? Imagine the possibilities. Here are the highlights. Continue reading “The World’s Best International Players as Judged by Similarility of Names to Literary Figures” »

Clasico Recap: A Tale of Two Halves Edition

Yesterday’s clasico was a tale of two halves. Or so say the headlines. In fact, many headlines refer to a game as a “tale of two halves.” Your cerebral self chuckles and thinks: no shit. Doesn’t every game of soccer consist of two halves? Isn’t that, like, kinda the fundamental rule and proportion of time? Could a headline be any less descriptive?

I used to agree with you. But, alas, you are wrong (and so was I). Continue reading “Clasico Recap: A Tale of Two Halves Edition” »

Chelsea’s Disingenuous Penaltology

When coaching Real Madrid, Jose Mourinho made a famous remark about Pep Guardiola. He said that in the past, there were two types of coaches: those who complained after a game about the ref, and those who shut up. He then said Pep was a new, third type of coach: he who complained about refs before the game had even started. Coming from a coach who once hung out in a parking lot after a game to speak with a ref, it was pretty disingenuous but humorous all the same.

Chelsea FC’s recent blog post, though, makes Pep look like a ref cheerleader. Continue reading “Chelsea’s Disingenuous Penaltology” »

The Quintessential MLS CBA “Smoke has Cleared” and “One Side Won” Post

Hello there, reader. In case you missed it, the MLS season started on time last weekend. Crowds flocked to games. Young men (and Clint Dempsey) kicked balls. Some scored goals. Others were less fortunate. However, last week the major story was this: less than acrimonious CBA negotiations between the owners of MLS franchises and the members of the MLS Players Union. They scheduled a two-day mediation before the season started, primarily swapped offers on a form of free agency, and reached a deal late at night on the second day.

But you shouldn’t be happy. Continue reading “The Quintessential MLS CBA “Smoke has Cleared” and “One Side Won” Post” »

Junito: the Other Side of the Story

Every three to four months, the online media/writing world will produce a personal story about one of its own: a writer. The story will have one of two angles: either the writer admits that he or she can only afford writing because they come from a wealthy, privileged background, or he or she will talk about stepping away from a stressful but lucrative professional career to focus on family and becoming a writer for the job’s flexibility.

I have no beef with either of these stories: they are first-person narratives about personal growth. When done well, they’re like a 21st century It’s a Wonderful Life. Folks realize that family is important, especially when compared to the diminishing returns of wealth maximization via hours at the office. Still, they’re a bit solipsistic, a bit self-centered. Nobody dares to ask: what about other members of the family? How do they feel? Luckily, Real Madrid’s future greatest player ever Junito, an 8 year old whose dad recently changed jobs, has penned these slightly edited thoughts: Continue reading “Junito: the Other Side of the Story” »