MLS Expansion Franchise Behind The Scenes Scoopfest

Friends, I am honored to have been invited to exclusive meetings with the executive team behind the newest and arguably most successful MLS expansion franchise in recent history. In fact, the meetings and interviews went so well, and were so long and insightful, I was able to use the quotes to fill an entire article.

And this is that article.

Continue reading “MLS Expansion Franchise Behind The Scenes Scoopfest” »

Hungover Dispatches from Htown: Messi Walks on Water Edition

Futfanatico is closed for the summer as per usual. In fact, the only editor is not even in the United States of America: how dare him! Thus, this random dispatch from GonzoBro is even less edited and less relevant than ever, yet we need pageviews so here goes.

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“On assignment” means one thing to baller freelancers like me: watching adult films on the company dime late at night while staying in some roach-infested Howard Johnson motel in the crummy neighborhood of a somewhat major metropolitan area. That fact may creep you out, but honesty and fidelity to truth at all costs are the trademark of GonzoBra.

Every time you see a byline at The Guardian like “Tom Dart in Dallas“, I think: how many Debbie films did this guy catch between flights during his cursory three-hour stay at a Day’s Inn? “On assignment” means “on our” means stags will be stags roaming the wild and its always ever so much fun and glamorous and they don’t serve peanuts in coach anymore and you have zero space to rest your elbows but you are paid to travel hence travel is suddenly fun.

Yet this odd thing happened: Lionel Fucking Messi and the the Argentinian national team came to play a game vs. the US in my own backyard: Houston. On Assignment suddenly meant zero travel, just futbol. Of course, the codo mofos at Futfanatico couldn’t land me press credentials. Should I bother? Could I cook up some content to get paid to pay back a relative who stopped talking to me a few months ago?

The Heavens answered, shouted, cried out: HELL YEAH. SMy wife of all people insisted we attend the Argentina-US match…but not actually pay to enter the stadium. I had no clue what this bonita broad was cooking, but I lapped it up and was ready for whatever whenever. Continue reading “Hungover Dispatches from Htown: Messi Walks on Water Edition” »

Hungover Dispatches from America: US Soccer Legal Troubles Edition

Futfanatico asked unreliable correspondent GonzoBra, a former court beat reporter for a small town daily, to cover the legal dispute brewing between US Soccer and the women’s team. As per usual, his reporting was untimely, factually incorrect, and offensive. We have edited out most of the offensive parts, but left the grammatical errors because they enhance the entertainment value of this piece. If any.

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When my editor Elliott cold-pitched me to write about the US Soccer vs. USWNT legal dispute, a lot of thoughts ran through my mind. First, how much cash can I milk from this cheap-ass motherfucker? Second, would I have to fly to some backwaters country like Canada? Third, like seriously how much money can I drab from this commission? Once I got satisfactory answers for the first and third question, I wasn’t really too worried about number two. It dawned on me that the legal dispute was happening here in America, so I could rely on my staple cheap-as-hell and alcoholic-as-water pilsners to keep me loaded and dangerous.

I also had some airline miles on a credit card to use for domestic flights because we all know accounts payable departments reimburse your expenses as quickly as Pirlo sprints. So what could go wrong? Continue reading “Hungover Dispatches from America: US Soccer Legal Troubles Edition” »

Hungover Dispatches from Canada: Women’s World Cup Edition

Futfanatico reminds you that Elliott Turner is still on injured reserve, thus we relied on unreliable correspondent GonzoBra to cover the Women’s World Cup in Canada. As per usual, his reporting was untimely, factually incorrect, and offensive. We have edited out most of the offensive parts, but left the grammatical errors because they enhance the entertainment value of this piece. If any.

I.

“On assignment”, you lovely phrase, we meet again! After what happened last summer at the dude’s World Cup in Brazil, I’m shocked no major media player has contracted my excellent reporting abroad services, but genius is seldom appreciated in its own time. At least I got this gig. And as last you may recall, in January I got stuck covering the MLS draft in January, but really spilled the beans on the soccer reporter circle cliques and also embarassed some dudes who owe me stickers for IndieGogo campaigns. Continue reading “Hungover Dispatches from Canada: Women’s World Cup Edition” »

Hungover Dispatches from America: MLS Combine Edition

Futfanatico regrets to inform you that, with out modest budget, we were only able to send a single correspondent to the MLS combine. He wrote for us at the World Cup, and, after heavy editing, one of his three filed articles was publishable. This particular post turned out…..well, judge for yourself. Enjoy as best you can. Continue reading “Hungover Dispatches from America: MLS Combine Edition” »

Hungover Dispatches from Brazil: Rio Edition

Futfanatico regrets to inform you that, with out modest budget, we were only able to send two correspondents to Brazil for this World Cup. The really smart and educated one totally flaked on us. No response to emails. No phone calls. Nada. Unfortunately, the other one, who we later found out made up most of his references (he even admitted to impersonating one over the phone), sent us this. We have edited it best we can, but, alas, you can only mold a pile of shit into a different shaped pile of shit. Enjoy as best you can. This may be a series. We will be running some guest posts from Tahir Duckett, the handsomer, more athletic, and older brother of Bilal Duckett (of the NE Revs), but purely as a guest writer capacity.

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“On assignment.” Is there a sweeter phrase in the entire English language? Getting paid to work to really go on vacation and all I have to do is type some words. Fucking sweet. Oh, I forgot – nice to meet you. I am “GonzoBra”, the correspondent for this tight-fisted soccer site known as Futfanatico. I’ll be slamm’in some keyboards for y’all from Brazil throughout the World Cup, but I do have to issue a disclaimer: this shit is gonna be edited. In fact, this introductory paragraph was entirely redone three times. Here’s a break down of my opening lines that were excised: FIRST: The Bro has landed in Brazil, land of [OMITTED], [OMITTED], and brews. SECOND: The Bro has landed in Brazil, land of [OMITTED], [OMITTED], and brews.

So my editor is kindof an old fucktard who read the first paragraph and said: no misogyny. I was all, there’s none of that in here. Then I Googled the word “misogyny” and realized I’d confused it with “masochism.” Whoops. Then, despite checking out a few definitions, I was still a bit perplexed. I didn’t see how any of the first draft was masogynistic. He basically laid it down: no objectification of women. At first, I thought – why the fuck is anybody going to read this if there’s none of that? But, alas, bros got me by the balls. I need somebody to sign off on these per diems and expenses.

But, like, yeah, my proper introduction: I am GonzoBra. What kind of bullshit name is that? Well, I was told to use a pseudonym because, as you’ll see, I maybe kinda get into some legal problems from time-to-time. I came up with this name because, like, 90% of my bros call me “bra” and my editor told me to read up on some Hunter S. Thompson. He sent me paper books (dinosaur) and even some photocopies of old Rolling Stone (ancient) magazine articles. I chuckled to myself, seeing as I know about copyright laws – who’s Mr. barely legal now, Mr. Anal Editor?

So, short story long but now short again, I didn’t have time to read all that shit. I just Googled Hunter S. Thompson and saw that he did some drugs, stalked some loser politicians, went on an epic mancation to Vegas, and did some more drugs. He also wrote things pretty last minute – a man after my own heart. Thus, I came up with Gonzo not from the name “Gonzalo”, but from the name for the school of “I was there” journalism arguably perfected by Hunter. The “bra” also can mean “Brazil.” Based on my two weeks in Portugal while an undergrad, you say “Brazil” like BRA-Zeal. More on that later. Welcome aboard. Continue reading “Hungover Dispatches from Brazil: Rio Edition” »