Category Archives: Arsenal

Amazing Real Life Moments In Jaded Hipster Soccer Fandom

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The ironic aviator sunglasses. The sincere prescription Buddy Holly bifocals. The skinny, tight jeans. The scarves. The thrift store t-shirts. The rent checks from trust funds and/or parents. The flippant remarks that reveal angst at their inevitable return to tax haven exurbs to reproduce within a decade. Everyone loves to mock hipsters. Everyone, except me. I welcome them with open arms as a valued and relatively new member of the soccer blogosphere ecosystem. I am excited by the prospects that their offhanded, cynical comments will inspire us all to reflect upon important and salient issues. I even chuckled at the Timbers cat cameo on Portlandia.

More importantly, I have documented a few memorable hipster quotes relating to the footy interwebs. Of course, names, dates, and locations are not revealed to protect the innocent. Enjoy! Continue reading “Amazing Real Life Moments In Jaded Hipster Soccer Fandom” »

Robin Van Persie to Barca – the Unspoken, Inevitable Transfer

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Kids have dreams. And we all dream of being a star. When I was about eight years old, I opened my first ever Excel spreadsheet. It blew me away. The charts. The formulas. The numbers. From that day on, I dreamed of someday being an adult and spending all day looking at Excel Spreadsheets and trying to maximize EBITDA for high revenue but low profit multinational corporate entities. I also foolishly hoped to someday create elaborate PowerPoints to disseminate this knowledge to half-interested executives and lower-level management.

And my name is Arsene Wenger. Continue reading “Robin Van Persie to Barca – the Unspoken, Inevitable Transfer” »

Horrific Tragedy Bootstrapped to Champions League Recap

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This past weekend, a German referee attempted to commit suicide. CNN reported on this tragedy, and also managed to sneak in the same article some game recaps. Tactful! The Guardian did one better, reporting racism charges against Luis Suarez while also letting us know that the alleged racist did not play in an international friendly due to injury. Useful! I will now do them both one up by reporting on this week’s Champions League fixtures…..and the gruesome puppy death(s).

(Associated & Fabricated Press) – Today, we regret to report the death of over 200 adorable puppies. And a less than adorable nun and bus driver. At eight o’clock at night, the Save-a-Pup bus, full of 200 recently rescued puppies, rambled down the road on its way to a warm & welcoming puppy shelter. Little did the driver realize that rather than heading towards Brownsville, Texas, he and the puppies were on track for their own grisly deaths. Continue reading “Horrific Tragedy Bootstrapped to Champions League Recap” »

Frank Lampard: the Diary of an Old Midfielder

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EDITOR’S NOTE

We at the Frank-Lampard Appreciation Society knew that releasing his diary, the uncut version a, would ruffle some feathers. Nevertheless, we remain firmly committed to shedding light on the player’s life, thoughts, and ruminations during this darkest of winters at the twilight of his career. This historical document will continue to be released, unedited, for the sake of the world’s heritage.

Continue reading “Frank Lampard: the Diary of an Old Midfielder” »

OWN GOALS – the Futfanatico eBook & some entertaining links

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After much deliberation and feedback, the soccer eBook is now available in a DRM-less ePub format at Goodreads. Right here. What does that mean? Well, for those folks who do not have a Kindle or Nook, you can now purchase the book for $5.99 to then download and read on pretty much any other device. If you rock the open source Calibre, you can read it. If you use Adobe Digital Editions, you’re also included. And, of course, you can simply use the Goodreads eBook reader by simply signing up.

Speaking of the eBook, Robert of theTwoUnfortunates wrote a positive review that you can check out here. Terry Duffelen, blogger, podder & Socrates co-founder, also had some kind words to say about the eBook at Goodreads. And thus far the ratings have been squarely in the 4-5 range. Not too shabby. I’m still riding on a wave of confidence and my Vampire-High school-Law firm legal thriller/comedy series will be available from Doubleday in May of 2013.

But seriously, I promise to stop proudly boasting about the eBook until at least the new year. Scout’s honor. Books are like kids – once you have more than one, they all start to look the same & you eventually forget their names. Now, the links. Continue reading “OWN GOALS – the Futfanatico eBook & some entertaining links” »

Jean Baudrillard Analyzes American Celebrity Fans of Arsenal

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In our never-ending search for truth, we have consulted a preeminent French cultural expert on a stunning phenomenon: American celebrities professing love to a UK-based soccer club which has not won anything for over 6 years. Who? What? Where? When? Why? How? These are the questions that will not be resolved.

So, without further ado, our interview with Jean Baudrillard. Continue reading “Jean Baudrillard Analyzes American Celebrity Fans of Arsenal” »

An Open Letter to Arsene Wenger to Release from the Shackles of Arsenal one Mikel Arteta

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Dear Arsene Wenger,

I write you on behalf of humanity. We all know why you signed Mikel Arteta – not to compete for trophies, but rather to crush his boyhood dream of playing for Barcelona. In fact, Arteta played youth football for the club, but left for PSG because he couldn’t break into the starting eleven. But let’s not let the past obscure the present.

Everybody is on to your little game of “kidnap and ransom Catalan youth academy players.” We know that your scouts snoop around the city parks near La Masia, standing by the slides and monkey bars and offering chocolate to promising young players. On at least five occasions, your operatives offered a nine year old Andres Iniesta a Hershey’s kiss. On at least two occasions, one twelve year old Xavi Hernandez was offered Snickers’ bars. Continue reading “An Open Letter to Arsene Wenger to Release from the Shackles of Arsenal one Mikel Arteta” »

Cesc Fabregas to Barcelona: A Depressing Transfer Reality

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Lo and behold, you may have noticed this fine blog’s hibernation during the summer. Why do we do that? Well, few games are played. Most European leagues take off May, June, July, and August. Thus, the news cycle slows to a crawl except for a unique species of sports writing: the transfer rumor. Many have criticized the lackadaisical journalism behind such rumors. The uncorroborated reports often rely on multiple hearsay: Joe heard from Jane heard from Jake. The papers then publish the dubious proof as a conclusion of conviction in the article title. I prefer an extended hibernation to jogging on this treadmill of misinformation.

However, these criticisms overlook a simple truth behind transfer rumors: people gobble them up. In troves. Why? I speculated that the transfer rumor succeeds because of human beings’ optimism – all fans want to hear about a big signing by their beloved club. Like an unopened gift, within the box of poorly timed press releases lurks the occasional fantastic find. Also, the dubious proof lends itself to intrigue of its own making – who are these almost mythical behind-the-scenes actors who truly control our clubs’ destiny? Anticipation. Unexpected surprises. Intrigue. These draw the public eye to transfer rumors.

The Cesc-to-Barca transfer has no such defense. Why? Because it is a transfer reality. A plodding transfer reality worse than any rumor. Continue reading “Cesc Fabregas to Barcelona: A Depressing Transfer Reality” »