Q & A: Silky Johnson Explains Why Every Player You Ever Loved In Fact Sucks

Every now and then, we at Futfanatico land a huge interview about futbol with an unexpected celebrity. Once we got Slavoj Zizek to predict a World Cup final. Another time, Jean Baudrillard turned his piercing gaze to American celebrity fans of Arsenal. While Rolling Stone barely nicked us to that Chapo interview, we are delighted to welcome Silky Johnson, the greatest hater in the history of hating.

Silky, a professional hater who makes your ex’s bae look like a bubbling cauldron of optimism, will now brutally and flippantly degrade every player you have ever adored. Continue reading “Q & A: Silky Johnson Explains Why Every Player You Ever Loved In Fact Sucks” »

The Disappearing Star Centerback Prodigy

The dodo. The dinosaurs. Why do all the really cool animals have to disappear off the face of the Earth? Sadly, soccer reflects this reality. For at least half a decade, a position on the pitch has been neglected like no other: centerback. Here’s a thought experiment. Right now, name a young star center back. Okay, easy you say. Thiago Silva. Okay, now name another.

Hard, isn’t it? Continue reading “The Disappearing Star Centerback Prodigy” »

Everything you need to know about “that” 12 second FC Barcelona VINE

I am aware that many of you read this fine blog on eInk Kindles and cellphones. Thus, you can’t always see Vines or GIFs. Thus, here is a link to the FCB Vine we will be dissecting today. Please take a moment to see said VINE. Did you? Excellent.

Now allow me to paint the most vivid of pictures. Continue reading “Everything you need to know about “that” 12 second FC Barcelona VINE” »

SoccErotica: Peeping Tom Busqy Edition

Oh, hello again dearest readers. If you recall from the last edition in this series, there’s nothing sexier online than writing in the second person. Wait, what’s that you say? Hmmm. Adolescent vampires in high school? Well, yes, I suppose with the right facial structure, they could be sexier than the second person in online writing. Sorry, come again? Ummmm, well, sure, listicles of images of shirtless soccer players may be some people’s cup of joe I guess. I concede both those concepts may be erotic for some. However, I am about to write some soccerotica second person for the entire world.

You see, during last Saturday’s Clasico, people missed something. Something big. Your eyes filled with pleasure, but you didn’t know why. As SoccerErotica (TM) poet laureate, I will now put your feelings into the neatest of words, the finest of sentences, the paragraphiest of paragraphs. And our journey begins (and ends) with Sergio Busquets. Continue reading “SoccErotica: Peeping Tom Busqy Edition” »

The Not Looking So Clasico Clasico

Sigh. The last five years have been pretty dreamy. No, not in the sense Real Madrid has won title after title. Rather, we’ve at least been close to winning title after title. We’ve been a respectable second place. After the depths of the Galactico era, this was a nice relief. Capello, Schuster and Mou coached teams to titles. More importantly, under Mou, Madrid started to sign and field coherent teams with strong player at every position. The Zidane y Pavon policy was discarded.

Then Carlo took over, let the horses run wild, and things got really fun. Continue reading “The Not Looking So Clasico Clasico” »

Soccer Jam

The year is 2004. Zinedine Zidane has just announced his retirement from Les Bleus¬†and international football. Instead, he wants to focus on his club career at Real Madrid and also try to play professional ping pong, which was his dad’s greatest dream for him. Sadly, though, Zizou’s serve lacks the spin and precision for him to advance past the semifinals at any of the major pro ping pong (PPP) tournaments.

At the same time, trouble brews in the galaxy. An Intergalactic Amusement Park complete with non-rolling coasters and wheels not  named after Ferris Bueler is having serious attendance problems. The place is named Seven Flags after some famous clone-ware related battle and resulting truce, but nobody can remember the exact details. All they know is that attendance has dropped precipitously. Even with 20% discounts on season passes and free meals (chicken tenders and fries) for kids ages 6-10 on Tuesdays, folks fail to turn up.

Thus, the nefarious Seven Flags CEO, Mr. HammSwindler, devises a dastardly plot: he sends his minions, the PotLucks, to Earth. Continue reading “Soccer Jam” »

Mourinho, Enrique, and the Sophomore Slump

In the world of music, critics often lament a thing called “the sophomore slump.” Basically, a new band with a unique sounds enters the fray, generally kicks ass, and launches a debut album that blows our hair back Sir Alex-at-halftime style. Then comes the problem. The second album. Almost inevitably, with expectations lifted, novelty not a factor, and initial creative juices maxed out, the follow-up album passes muster but does not light our hearts aflame.

In soccer, I’ve been thinking a lot about the hardest season for a manager. No, not after a relegation dogfight. Rather, I speak of the one following a major trophy haul. And Jose Mourinho and Luis Enrique have their work cut out for them. Continue reading “Mourinho, Enrique, and the Sophomore Slump” »

Q & A: Terrible Human Being Scores Goals, Continues to be Terrible Human Being

Futfanatico is thrilled to announce this exclusive interview with a terrible person who scores goals for your favorite European soccer club, Barcentus CF. We are incredibly grateful to Carlos Luis Suavez’s PR folks for arranging this interview and hope he can finally dispel the rumors contrary to his being a terrible human being who scores goals.

Q: Carlos Luis Suavez, what has life been like on the Continent since your big summer move?

A: Coming to a big club like Barcentus CF has been a dream come true – I couldn’t make this up! Playing with stars like Massi and Reymar is fantastic – training with them everyday, you see just how good they are and they make you better and want to be even better.
Continue reading “Q & A: Terrible Human Being Scores Goals, Continues to be Terrible Human Being” »

Clasico Recap: A Tale of Two Halves Edition

Yesterday’s clasico was a tale of two halves. Or so say the headlines. In fact, many headlines refer to a game as a “tale of two halves.” Your cerebral self chuckles and thinks: no shit. Doesn’t every game of soccer consist of two halves? Isn’t that, like, kinda the fundamental rule and proportion of time? Could a headline be any less descriptive?

I used to agree with you. But, alas, you are wrong (and so was I). Continue reading “Clasico Recap: A Tale of Two Halves Edition” »