Drum Roll Please – Proudly Announcing Award Winner…

I am beyond elated. When I first started blogging, my goals were simple: break transfer rumors, injury reports, starting elevens, and try to bring a little of ESPN-guys-yelling-in-suits to the blogosphere. Since that fateful afternoon several years ago when I started this endeavor, I have won countless awards. This year, despite stiff competition from the ultimately disqualified fakefutfanatico and fakerfutfanatico, I won all five awards – best blog, best iPhone app, best Android app, best eBook, and best awardie! It’s a glorious time to be the proprietor of a blog with “futfanatico” in the URL.

However, none of these awards would have been possible without a very special person. Continue reading “Drum Roll Please – Proudly Announcing Award Winner…” »

The ULTIMATE Cristiano Ronaldo and Leo Messi Comparison

The current possession era of soccer, with goalscoring wingers and almost invisible false nine forwards, has placed a premium on passing stats and yawn yawn yawn. Okay, I wrote a soccer-based Cristiano and Leo comparison several months ago. Most of it still rings true. However, I decided to do some real detective work because I noticed an odd occurrence – I’ve rarely seen Cristiano and Messi play at the exact same time. Unusual? Odd? Suspicious? Most definitely.

I did some digging, and realized that they normally only play at the same time and at the same location twice a year. Last season was an anomaly – they did so five times. However, even then, I could only witness this coincidence by television. TV often lies. Also, when one of them touched the ball, the other normally loitered off-screen. Body doubles? Definitely possible.

In sum, every other Cristiano-Messi comparison is flawed because it starts with a faulty premise: they are not the same person. Based on a wealth of circumstantial evidence, I formed a hypothesis: Leo Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo are the same player and person. I did even more research, and now an abundance of indisputable direct evidence proves my point. Simply put, they have too much in common to not be the same person. Observe. Continue reading “The ULTIMATE Cristiano Ronaldo and Leo Messi Comparison” »

Real Madrid v. Barcelona: A Glance Back at Past Pasillos

Pasillo is the Spanish term for “hallway.” However, in the world of La Liga, it has a secondary meaning: guard of honor. After a team wins either La Liga or the Copa del Rey, at the very start of their next game, it’s customary that the opposing players will stand in two lines near the entrance tunnel, forming a hallway, and salute the champions as they enter the field. For example, last season, after Real Madrid won the Copa del Rey, their next opponent, Valencia, formed a pasillo to greet them onto the field.

For various reasons, the pasillos between Barcelona and Real Madrid have been few and far apart. The two teams normally race neck-and-neck until late into the La Liga season, and thus have already played one another twice before the champion is determined mathematically. Thus, their consistent duopoly in accumulating points prevents either one from having to honor the other.

Except, of course, for a few remarkable seasons. Continue reading “Real Madrid v. Barcelona: A Glance Back at Past Pasillos” »

OWN GOALS – the accursed, huggable, imperalist Americans

Don’t you just hate those arrogant, talented, supremely handsome Americans? Me too. Well, this American had the pleasure of writing for and speaking with some friends from across the Atlantic, and the results were marvelous. At least in my humble imperialist American opinion. Continue reading “OWN GOALS – the accursed, huggable, imperalist Americans” »

Horrific Tragedy Bootstrapped to Champions League Recap

This past weekend, a German referee attempted to commit suicide. CNN reported on this tragedy, and also managed to sneak in the same article some game recaps. Tactful! The Guardian did one better, reporting racism charges against Luis Suarez while also letting us know that the alleged racist did not play in an international friendly due to injury. Useful! I will now do them both one up by reporting on this week’s Champions League fixtures…..and the gruesome puppy death(s).

(Associated & Fabricated Press) – Today, we regret to report the death of over 200 adorable puppies. And a less than adorable nun and bus driver. At eight o’clock at night, the Save-a-Pup bus, full of 200 recently rescued puppies, rambled down the road on its way to a warm & welcoming puppy shelter. Little did the driver realize that rather than heading towards Brownsville, Texas, he and the puppies were on track for their own grisly deaths. Continue reading “Horrific Tragedy Bootstrapped to Champions League Recap” »

Ferenc Puskas Doesn't Reflect Upon FIFA Reform or Awards

November 2nd is a special day for many Mexicans, Hispanics in the US, and lots of Central Americans. While most Americans have purchased candy by the bucket, South of the border cemeteries fill with the living. And the living bring with them flowers, candles, and fresh food. Yet this recent Dia de los Muertos reminded me of a special somebody: our incredibly flaky spiritual correspondent Ferenc Puskas. Or, as he’s known in these parts, Pusky.

I missed him. I also had a few questions that required some super spiritual stealth – like who will win the FIFA Ballon d’Or and also what to make of recent FIFA “reforms.”

Thus, I made a trip to Matamoros to get a Santisima muerte icon, some santeria dominoes, returned home, fired up the old gchat, and asked our favorite apparition some questions on those pressing matters. His answers will confuse you. And disappoint you. But not me. Ahorale! Continue reading “Ferenc Puskas Doesn't Reflect Upon FIFA Reform or Awards” »

Barcelona vs. Real Madrid – the Predictions to Bet a House On

I will keep this short and sweet in the interest of time. FIRST and foremost, Xavi’s hair will look like an iguana. No, I don’t refer to that pet iguana you had in grade school that eventually died because you forgot to plug in the hot rock. No, I refer to some sort of wickedly cool animated iguana who wears a Hawaiian t-shirt, travels by skateboard, constantly gives the thumbs up, and endorses a variety of delicious fruit-tasting snacks which contain little to no fruit.

SECOND and also quite importantly, Dani Alves and Sergio Busquets will continue their perpetual audition for the Catalan tumbling team. Somewhere in the stands at the Nou Camp, a man in a trench coat and with a mischievously large mustache will write on a small notepad numerical scores for their respective tumbles. At the end of the night, only one of them will be selected for this elite honor. And the other will be heartbroken.

THIRD and also kinda important, Mourinho and Pep Guardiola will fool you into thinking that they shake hands. However, in reality, their hands will get super super close but not actually touch. It will be more of a close-to-touching-hand-vibration with more wobbling than actual shaking. Mourinho may also wear a special hand colored glove just to be safe. Continue reading “Barcelona vs. Real Madrid – the Predictions to Bet a House On” »

Junito: the Epilogue & a Tribute to the Morenita behind the Man

No, Junito has not announced a reversal on his all too premature retirement. He is still blissfully playing hurling, impervious to medium sized balls and nets draped over sticks. But this series ended without paying tribute to the olive-skinned and gorgeous woman behind the world’s future greatest player. And that is a tragedy which requires remedy.

First, a word on Junito’s sister. Her name is Angie. She is one year older. A few people asked – why not do a series on her? Was it male preference? Or, perhaps, there ‘sa unique bond between father & son? The only answer is painfully simplistic and practical – for the longest time, Angie showed no interest in soccer. She preferred dance. After a few soccer sessions, she would let out a loud gasp and say “No soy hombre, no tengo fuerza para esto.” I would correct her sexist assumption, but to no avail. I then realized it was an excuse to leave goals behind for plastic kitchen sets.

My own sister was and is a girlie girl, so I let it slide. But, to my delight, Angie has started to show an interest in soccer. I’m ecstatic. She has her mother’s natural two-footed grace. She also lives and breathes the Real Madrid-Barca rivalry, having remarked on a few occasions to her play friends that “Madrid is de oro, Barca es de inodoro.” Is a sequel possible? Possibly. Although Real would first need a female side.

The other lady in me and Junito’s life was also curiously absent from the series. With no good excuse. Continue reading “Junito: the Epilogue & a Tribute to the Morenita behind the Man” »

Junito: Dignity in Defeat, Honesty in Appraisal, Cute in a Hat

Children have superpowers. They have the capacity to unflinchingly tell the truth. And no, their tongue does not match the hurtful loose lips of sarcastic & insecure adolescents. Rather, unblinkingly, they can cut through the smoke of “fluff” to get to the grain of matters. When I asked Junito if Real Madrid could win before last Tuesday, he said “No.” But he also said Madrid was “muy bueno.” Thus represents the paradox of Mourinho’s rebuilding year: a very good team that is still second best.

Mourinho has cast a spell on everybody. We watch the Pepe-Alves foul replay. We see the Busquets mono-mouth on youtube. But these obnoxious details were known well before the wave of clasicos. What is undisputed is the noticeable improvement in the defense and garra of Madrid. Two draws and a win in four games vs. Barca is a nice pull. And the team that played last year in the Nou Camp vs. this CL second leg were miles apart in coordination, fitness, and organization.

Still. Something is not right. Continue reading “Junito: Dignity in Defeat, Honesty in Appraisal, Cute in a Hat” »

Jose Mourinho, Slavoj Zizek, Matrix, & the Real Perversion: Us

Professional coaches are funny people. For those at the top, redundant discourses emerge to explain defeat. They seldom involve the coaches. Or the players. Often, the blame rests solely on the referee. For Sir Alex, a post-game press conference involves either post-victory gloating or a treatise on the fallibility of man. And by man, I mean the man who was unlucky to ref the match. Yet Sir Alex’s discourse points to a reasonable problem: a single ref in charge of 22 professional athletes. His claims could easily spur reform such as video replay technology or more assistants.

Yet Jose Mourinho paints a much darker picture. Everywhere he walks, they stalk him. Referees do not make honest mistakes. They seek to destroy him and his livelihood: winning soccer games. Every errant call, every mistake, every penalty kick – they are sheathed daggers stuck into his back, products of malfeasance, not misfeasance. In Italy, he spoke of conspiracies. After losing to Barca, with a red card issued to red card-magnet Pepe (playing out of position), Mourinho re-opened his favorite can of worms.

So, why do we love this character? Let’s let Slavoj Zizek be our guide. Continue reading “Jose Mourinho, Slavoj Zizek, Matrix, & the Real Perversion: Us” »