And you? Well, North American ostrich, I have bad news. You belong to a very confused, defensive, and at times reprehensible nativist community. Allow me to explain why myself and European soccer are better than you and MLS. The evidence will astound you.

Most European soccer snobs never give MLS a chance. I acknowledge this. Those folks are either total fools or have incredibly good supernatural instincts. However, I have given MLS more than a hundred chances to win over my heart. I have gone to games. I have followed teams. I have followed entire seasons. However, every time MLS starts to find a place in my heart, it trips over its own two feet. Each time MLS approaches respectability, a hideous adolescent error undoes all the prior smoothness.

For example, about a year ago, I took my son to see a Sporting KC game at the new Livestrong Park. Without a doubt, the accommodations were quite posh. However, about ten minutes into the game, a serious snafu happened. I called over the roaming vendor and asked for a simple food item that is a staple in all world class European venues: a banana. To my shock, he said: “Sorry sir, we don’t sell bananas.” I was flabbergasted. Pretzels. Peanuts. Popcorn. Hotdogs. Hamburgers. They were all for sale. But no bananas.

“What are we supposed to throw at the minority players when they touch the ball,” I inquired. He offered no response. Red-faced, I insisted on speaking with his manager. I tried to give Sporting KC the benefit of the doubt: perhaps a supplier had played hardball on banana prices in the offseason. Maybe they had freezer problems and the recent batch went bad. None. Of. The. Above. The manager said Sporting KC never offered bananas, but he would take our suggestion into account. Tsk tsk.

I’m still shocked that they simply do not sell bananas at Sporting KC games. However, Sporting KC is not alone. I did some digging, and I’ve heard they don’t sell any bananas at any MLS games. Not even the stray plantain or two. Nor much fruit for that matter. No wonder childhood obesity ravages North America. This would never happen in Europe, were ultras basically place a banana in your hand and guide you arm as you throw it at a player. So much for “credibility.”

Slightly changing topics to atrocities of the beverage kind, I did like the variety of beers being sold at the Livestrong Park. However, the wine offered was appalling both in terms of quantity and quality. Based on a sniff test, the house wine was a Merlot of the cheap Australian variety (not even California!). I dared not take a sip, and the vendor couldn’t even tell me the year of the Cabernet Sauvignon. Sacre bleu! In the apparel store, they did offer a nice range of scarves, but had no size small berets. Can you believe it? As if all fans of soccer had Neanderthal-sized North American skulls. Uff. The fabric also felt of cheap acrylic fiber, not crocheted cotton (as used in berets sold at most upper tier European grounds).

However, none of these sins stack up to the worst stadium experience yet. The restrooms. At halftime, my young son had to go to the bathroom. However, he had the urge for number two, so naturally we looked for a properly equipped restroom. We walked the entire length of the stadium, but did not find a single bathroom…with a properly enclosed bidet. Not one.Granted, I understand that bidets are a bit expensive. However, surely one or two wouldn’t break the bank. Thus, my little boy had to resort to cleaning himself with paper like an orphan. Shameful.

To make matters worse, we soon thereafter did find a most unusual bidet. It was elevated much too high, even for an adult! It also shot out cold water with no handle to adjust the temperature! And, the worst part, it was very much in the public. Still, I tried to stay positive. My little boy dropped his strousers, I lifted him up with one arm and turned on the bidet with the other, and….the police arrived. Stadium security tried to tell me that the bidet was actually a fountain! A fountain? Where’s the statute of Adonis or at least Ananke? This a Dikembe Mutombo vanity bidet that needs a layer of paint, I protested. Eventually, my little boy and I returned to our seats. I promised that as soon as we got home, he could sit on the bidet as long as he wanted. Still, the little bugger squirmed in his seat uncomfortably. I can’t blame him.

So, there you have it. MLS is the total backwaters of the soccer world. It certainly has its charms, just as the Congo River offers brilliant panoramic views when guerrilla forces aren’t shooting AK-47′s at one another. I could definitely see myself watching and enjoying some sort of “MLS: Survivor” TV program, at least for a half a season. However, until they provide nutritious projectiles and resolve the outstanding issues with the beret, cabernet, and bidet, don’t expect to see me or my son at a game anytime soon. I’ll just stick to Piers Morgan most Saturday mornings, thank you very much.

We have been down this path before. Remember last fall, when you generously agreed to kickstart a little site known as The Classical? Since then, the site has rocked, gotten sponsors, and produced some quality writing. Now, a promising North American soccer quarterly needs your crowdsourced dollars. I speak, of course, of Eleven Quarterly.

Eleven Quarterly is the brainchild of Tom Dunmore of Pitch Invasion, David Keyes of The Culture of Soccer, and another dude who I don’t kinda know. It promises to present diverse perspectives on the nascent soccer boom in North America. The best part is that their Kickstarter awards are very good: donate $5 and you get a digital copy of Issue One a whole week before everybody else. During that week, you can smugly tweet and tumbl your superiority over and to everybody else. They will hate you but only because of envy. And envy is the best kind of hate. For $25, you get a dead tree print copy of the first issue a week before anybody else. You can keep it on your coffee table and invite your friends over to rub their noses in it. You can also take a picture with your cell phone and spread your superiority all over Instagram.

So, what are you waiting for? They have less than two weeks to reach their goal of $11,000! They are over halfway there, but need you! Hurry! Go to their Kickstarter page and donate here.

I know that I blog about MLS infrequently. Yes, I do MLS Cup reflections. I also did an MLS Manifesto way back in the day. I also poke fun at the MLS website when appropriate. But the MLS labor dispute a few years ago pointed me in an odd direction: the NHL. Basically, I feared a crippling stoppage that would kill the league’s momentum. In terms of Southeast expansion, the NHL offers some pointed lessons.

In the mid-90′s, the NHL got ambitious and relocated the Hartford Whalers to Carolina and they became the Hurricanes. The league also awarded expansion teams throughout the Southeast: in Tampa Bay, the Lightning, in Miami, the Panthers, and in Nashville, the Predators. Now, over a decade later, we can reflect upon this move. Was it good?

Well, if you believe in a divine geographic sense of justice, then yes. Professional hockey exists in states with sweltering hot summers and SEC football teams. In terms of practicality, though, the Southeast Division still has never fully gulped up all of these teams. Sporting-wise, most of the teams have enjoyed some success. The Lightning have won a Stanley Cup, so have the Hurricanes. The Panthers had an electric playoff run behind a goalie known as “the Beezer.” The Predators have been consistently above average, and their fans throw catfish onto the ice – definitely one of the better fan traditions. Thus, the Southeast NHL markets cannot complain they got stuck with can’t-compete franchises.

Sadly, the finances do not mirror the results on the ice. The Atlanta Thrashers no longer exist – they relocated to Winnipeg. The Predators allegedly operate at a $20 million a year loss, but that was asserted during negotiations and may be overblown. However, the other Preds owner is in a federal jail for fraud. D’oh! The Tampa Bay Lightning operate at a loss, while the Carolina Hurricanes struggled for years to find a second owner – and finally settled on about 10 new co-owners. Ahem. We could squabble over details, but the bottom line is that the dollars & cents do not equal profit or ideal ownership situations.

The best argument in defense of Southeast NHL expansion has nothing to do with franchise financial success. Rather, it is youth participation – some have argued that the presence of NHL teams coincided with spikes in hockey participation at the youth and adult level. Of course, correlation does not meet causation, and cause and effect may be reversed. Regardless, conceptually it makes sense that young kids see a pro slap a puck and try to do the same.

Let’s take both the financial hit and the spike in youth participation as facts – should MLS follow the same beaten but uncertain path? The MLS already tried two Southeast franchises: the Tampa Bay Mutiny and Miami Fusion. Both lasted less than five years. Many folks point to recent MLS success in Seattle and Portland as a case for expansion – MLS should build on established fan bases from the NASL era. However, if that were the case, then the MLS’ Miami Fusion, based in Ft. Lauderdale, should have succeeded – they followed the footsteps of the popular NASL Ft. Lauderdale Strikers.

Of course, we can always look at the Strikers’ history with tinted glasses – they did change names & owners & leagues & South Florida locations several times over. In terms of other candidates, Orlando only recently welcomed a lower division side (the former Austin Aztex). The Atlanta Silverbacks have existed for almost two decades, a good sign, and the NASL Atlanta Chiefs did play in ATL for five glorious years. Atlanta area youth leagues have produced two pros: Bilal Ducket and Ricardo Clark. Interest does exist. Still, if the Thrashers couldn’t poach sports fans from Braves, Falcons, & SEC games, then I’m not sure soccer is ready to make the jump.

Unless, of course, the league is willing to take a big risk. Right now, MLS is on the most solid financial footing of its life. Southeastern expansion would entail major costs and probably only offer long-term financial benefits. NASL historians fear that the MLS may feast on new franchise fees and create a cycle of expansion or death. Would the Southeast be a starting point to destruction or expansion? The MLS wisely avoided a league stoppage, unlike the NHL. Can they also learn from the NHL’s other (alleged) mistake?

Even if they don’t really clarify much of anything.

Editor: Ayn, few people know that before becoming a philosopher, you were actually a screenwriter in LA and playwright in New York. As such, MLS fans obviously want to know – were you secretly hoping for a LA Galaxy vs. NY Red Bulls final?

Ayn Rand: Everybody always wants to see the most productive geniuses at the highest level and to achieve greatness we must create systems that do not reward mediocrity. My attachment to those two clubs, though, comes purely from reason and the reason that the strongest, fastest, and swiftest must prevail or we as a society are collectively strangling them in the worst ways imaginable. The fact that I geographically occupied the same region should not be read as some sort of moral or emotional attachment. Only reason must drive the individual, and the individual’s attachment, or success will be unattainable.

Editor: So, um, with that in mind, do you think the MLS playoffs are okay? Should we just disregard geography entirely like they already sorta do? Or do you think the playoffs need to be tweaked? New York playing LA early on and in a Western conference game is kinda weird, right? But at least you must love the fact that both teams have lots of designated players and therefore have put serous pressure on the concept of a salary cap. Do objectivists dig the direction of the league? Do the “haves” in MLS not “have” enough?

Ayn Rand: The “haves” never “have” enough. The Beckham Rule was just the beginning of the inevitable – be it in Russia, or even now in Cuba. The strong will not be shackled for eternity by the mediocre demands of a weakly collective. The runts of the litter will enjoy their teet of milk for only so long, but they will die as the stronger thrive.

Editor: So you think eventually the designated player rule will swallow the salary cap and the Columbus Crew will cease to exist? Interesting. Now, changing gears, your philosophy of ‘objectivism” was pretty popular stateside but largely ignored by the intellectual elite as stubbornly nativist. The basic problem was that you just kinda assumed an objective reality existed free of language, and then built a philosophy on that. Similarly, MLS has arguably built a single entity-franchise model built on Wal-Mart principles that has failed to attract a whole lot of international attention. What do you have to say for you and MLS’ detractors?

Ayn Rand: Philosophers have always lashed out at me for a simple reason – science and technology have supplanted their importance and threatened their livelihood. The old guard of philosophy was built upon mysticism and faith, yet the industrial revolution improved medicine and extended the length and quality of life. Capitalism has rendered the average man incredibly intelligent and self-sufficient. The 21st century man and I have no time to squabble with ivory tower academics that preach blindness to an objective reality everybody can see but them. And as for MLS, the proper laissez-faire policies could allow the producers of greatness to do what they do best – produce greatness. Attention will then follow greatness – it always does.

Editor: Wow, so you’re for no salary cap? Then more international eyeballs will catch an MLS Game? But surely European debt problems at major clubs show that without any check on competition, the owners will spend themselves to death, right? Surely sport is distinct from other enterprises – in PCs, if we are left with only Microsoft, we’ll survive, but if we are left with only Manchester United in soccer, who the hell will they play?

Ayn Rand: I find your lack of faith disturbing. Where you see a monopoly, I see greatness personified atop a mountain’s peak. Do you really enjoy watching Manchester United play against Norwich on a cold Saturday morning? Regardless, you sound like the most cynical of social workers. Even mid-table teams don’t need coddling. The opposite is in order. For example, in terms of MLS, the elimination of a salary cap would allow the teams to recruit top players to then obtain more profit from people paying to see the improved product that they produce. How would that spell a death knoll? Your condescension and lack of faith in the producers belies your cynicism and is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Editor: Um, what about the NASL? But that debate is beyond the scope of this interview and you sound like Data from TNG anytime somebody pokes a hole in your libertarian ideals. Thus, here’s a more practical topic: in terms of the actual MLS Cup Final, who did you expect to win – the LA Galaxy or the Houston Dynamo? Why?

Ayn Rand: Based on the past, often a poor rubric for predicting the future and success, one would think LA was more likely to produce the best product. LA also had a significantly higher investment in assets (players) and was playing the game in the comfort of their own designated industrial production zone (stadium).

Editor: Speaking of that “zone”, Los Angeles, I know that you have long argued that air pollution is a “scientific” problem, not a “political” one. However, anybody who’s flown to LAX can see the cloud of smog. I was in LA for a week and didn’t realize there were surrounding mountains. Surely Chad Barrett would be a step faster if he could breath during games, right?

Ayn Rand: Yet Chad Barrett had a good season and has never doubled over from a coughing attack. I do not blame you for imposing your-concerned-social-worker values upon a professional athlete, yet the freedom of labor and movement offer the solution. If one is not happy in their wonderful industrial metropolis, then the world offers many others full of fruitful occupations.

Editor: On that topic, in terms of the mobility of labor, MLS has continued to rely on the college draft to pick-up talent. However, in Europe, they usually sign teenagers and then send them to elite soccer-focused academies. You’ve come down pretty hard on American high schools and colleges – you believe they only confuse young minds and leave them in a state of disbelief. However, many professional athletes who have avoided this “land of disillusion and poor education” and made mad bank are poor within a few years of retirement. Can we agree that education at least teaches people to not be total idiots with their money?

Ayn Rand: No. Once again, your narrow-mindedness attempts to cleverly graft a sense of value upon flawed institutions. Who are you to judge the spending of another? Who are you to say that Mario Balotelli’s iPad does not bring him immeasurable joy? He has worked hard for his wages and has an objective right to spend them as he sees fit. The individual’s right to autonomous decisions, including the spending of wages acquired for production of soccer playing, should never been subject to such naive “altruistic” and “collective” considerations.

Editor: Alright, I figured you’d say as much. Now, and lastly, this is the most important question – now that his contract is up, will David Beckham re-sign with the LA Galaxy?

Ayn Rand: Maybe.

I am fully braced for a troll-fest in the comments should an unfortunate forum link appear. Still, please do not link to any unfortunate forums.

Check it out here.

But those days have passed. Livestrong Sporting Park has opened. And here’s why that matters.

Sometimes sports writing digresses into a race to find-the-odd-angle. Well educated and competitive persons get connected to WordPress or, worse, a journalism degree, and it’s off to the races to see who can out-slant the other. FIFA is corrupt? Well, are they really? At other times, sports writing digresses into a follow-the-flock ocean of tediousness. How many of your favorite blogs now regularly post the same links among themselves? Cross-fertilization has turned into redundancy.

But that’s besides the point. No slant here. No brainiac battles. One word can describe my feelings as a hometown Kansas City Whatever supporter: joy. Nevertheless, Like a bastard child declared a rightful heir in a probate proceeding, my first instinctive reaction to the stadium announcement was to flash middle fingers at everybody within view.

Why?

For years, my friend Santi, his brother, some Argentines, and I were the cauldron before the cauldron supporter section even existed. We shouted obscenities in Spanish, we sang songs that nobody understood, and we did our best to fill Arrowhead with some rambunctiousness. If Kansas City’s soccer team was a plot of land, surely we had settled it first. Or so the thought process goes.

But the reality is that the game isn’t mine. The team isn’t mine. And my happiness does not spring so much from the recent shred of mainstream acceptance – far from it. Rather, I see something with my own two eyes that will last beyond me. I see a structure that I can touch and feel and smell. In a decades’ time, it will probably remain. More importantly, I see opportunity – for my young son and daughter to grow into chronically bored Midwestern adolescents, begging to catch a game because they’ve already seen every movie twice.

People will gripe about the current plodding “Wal-mart” model to MLS growth, but the pace and price of the NASL ran it off a cliff. The last decade has largely focused on the soccer fan, not launching fireworks to draw a fleetingly interested crowd. And now, my family and I can see the results firsthand. They are not spectacular. But they are special.

Richard’s website also lacks sufficient banner ads.

John Lennon once said “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” I have diverted a bit of my writing spirit to the mysterious forthcoming book. Curious readers want to know the book’s topic. Soccer. Duh. But seriously, I need a polished and approved final manuscript, the final drafts of illustrations, an ISBN number, and cover before I can spill the beans. And believe you me, beans will be spilled. There will be beans….spilled….everywhere. For now, rest content knowing that a beloved soccer blogger has graciously agreed to write the foreword. Thus, at least two pages won’t suck.

However, even the book hooplah excuse no longer holds up. In my rush to crank out a palatable ebook and pocket some cash on the Kindle easily-click-purchase model, I got a curious email from a “new media company.” Many of my favorite bloggers have gone legit, so I negotiated the fine line between de facto abandoning the site, ceding editorial control, and monetizing the site (sounds dirty, doesn’t it?). Negotiations have entered a final phase. I hope I strike the right balance. History will judge me.

Updates aside, let’s get back to futbol and enjoy last week’s smorgasbord of games. And a few lessons learned.

First, Sir Alex knows how to use a conventional telephone. Despite the rash of injuries to defenders, the touchline ban, and a few recent hiccups, United fans rejoiced when, during the Bolton game, the camera panned to Fergy chatting on a conventional phone. For the most part, we knew his obvious advice to the assistant manager. First, chew gum and give linesman the death stare. Second, in injury time, stand up and stare at your watch. Third, guide team to unexpected last-minute victory. Still, Old Trafford breathed a sight of relief.

Miraculous last-ditch win or deflating sucker punch, it depends on your affiliation. Sir Alex’s half-time substitution of Berbatov for Chicharito proved a masterstroke. Yet again, Manchester United proved itself a Houdini of a side, constantly deceiving its own fans into expecting a defeat or draw, only to emerge from the underwater coffin unscathed. And here’s the scary party – Sir Alex is currently learning how to “text message” as I write this post. Once, he masters the art, he may seek a permanent touchline ban just because he likes the view. If this happens, the orthopedic advantages of cushy public seating could add at least two years to his managerial career! Huzzah!

Second, Carlos Ancellotti’s trench coat has replaced his furled eyebrow as Chelsea’s official mascot. We will probably see the Fernando Torres signing as a watershed moment in both the Blues’ season and the history of soccer tactics: can a striker-less five man midfield work? Thus far, yes. Brazilians David Luiz and Ramires scored wonderful goals & the Blues overcame a cautious Manchester City. But how much longer can the Italian continue to rely on Torres not scoring goals? And as the Engish humidity approaches, will he shed his lucky trench coat like a Mancini scarf? Don’t bet on either.

Third, the loss to Sunderland in the Cup Final a few weeks back was neither the fault of Szczesny nor Koscielny. At the time of the incident, everybody pointed the finger at the defender and goalie for failing to deal with a long ball. However, this past weekend Squillaci and Almunia pulled off a similar stunt. Which leads to only two explanations. Either Wenger’s exclusive dressing-less Caesar salad & salmon diet for centerbacks & goalies needs a tweaking, or Jens Lehman must immediately start and Sol Campbell should have been re-signed in the summer.  And this summer, Wenger must bring back legends like Freddie Ljunberg, Robert Pires, Thierry Henry, and Patrick Vieira. No questions asked.

Fourth, the boring and monotonous La Liga two horse race saw non-shocking victories by the top two horses. Only when Real Madrid & Barcelona play 38 games will the season “merece la pena.” Although Villareal has been delightful and Valencia surprising from time-t0-time.

Fifth, MLS has started and you kinda care but not a whole lot. Yet. The transition from watching mid-season and in-form European level soccer to not-yet-fit MLS is difficult. Some never make the jump. But in mid-June, a few weeks after the Champions League final, you will make a good effort. And you’ll be surprised by the savvy Freddy Montero, speedy Agudelo, and penalty kick missing Henry.

Lastly, if you have not gotten Issue Zero of the Blizzard, then do so. Immediately.

Let’s create a seductive & self-serving personal narrative, shall we? First, let’s point to two interesting trends across the Atlantic. Many Americans are turning their gaze to the English Premiership. In part, soccer, the sport itself, draws a crowd with dynamic play. However, another factor is unhappiness with the status quo’s alternative sports. In particular, many Americans are disenchanted with the commercial-laden National Football League. TV timeouts ruin the flow of the game. Do we really need to have our heads polluted by Bud Lime immediately after each and every punt? By comparison, the Premier League’s 45 minutes of uninterrupted play is a pristine ocean. For Americans, soccer is the “new punk.” Arsenal are “The Clash” and London is calling.

However, across the Atlantic, many Brits turn to the amateur ranks and even the bundesliga. They view the EPL as a McDonald’s franchise. Some great blogs focus on the lower level leagues, and their readership swells by the day.  Folks are drawn to these less commercialized alternatives, seeking a more “pure form” of footy. In the Guardian, writer x reflects on the eternal struggle between noble amateur spirits and the cannibalistic capitalist entrepreneurs. Right? Right?

Or maybe, just maybe, this discourse overlooks a few important points.

The US and UK populations mentioned above share a common theme: they desire to leave the overly commercialized & known world for less materialist pleasures. This creates a dilemma I refer to as the Modest-Mouse-Complex (MMC) – once a large enough critical mass fills the college town dive bar to listen to “The Cold Part”, the industry executive gets wind and offers the record label deal. At that stage, “pop” singles become inevitable. Thus, this series of individual decisions adds up to effectively commercialize the product that was originally sought for not being overly commercialized.

But is the MMC theory really true? In a sense, depicting these individual consumers as entirely innocent is disingenuous. First, if we can glean anything from the indie rock pitchfork scene, it’s that insecure individuals will cling to knowledge as a refuge of exclusivity and superiority.  “Wait, you haven’t heard Sufjan Stevens’ B-sides from his high school garage band that were leaked six hours ago on Kazaa? Sheesh.” Should the knowledge within the soccer blogosphere be treated in a similar fashion? Underneath this view of knowledge lies a hyper-competitive individual seeking to assert superiority by consumption of increasingly esoteric tastes.

Thus, we would love to paint ourselves in the innocent light as consumers walking around a desert of materialism, looking for an oasis of meaning but being followed by vultures. The reality is that we are the vultures. The individuals who seek esoteric consumption are merely the vanguard, the advanced scouts, and they enjoy the first pick at the fresh carcass before everyone else arrives.

What I’m saying, then, is that in the age of instant information transfers and widespread internet we have no escape. In 1970, Albert Heischman wrote a treatise on consumer preferences. He articulated three options when faced with a certain good: “Exit, Voice, or Loyalty.” The GPS, cellphone camera, and netbook have killed the “exit” option – we can no longer cannonball into an unknown swimming pool of amateurism. So what can we do? What should we do?

First and foremost, an honest self-assessment: you are a consumer. Look at yourself in the mirror. Smile. Look at those teeth. Look at those eyes. Look as those ears. You live in a material world. You consume material things. Second, after accepting this fact, you must examine your motives. Is knowledge a means to stroke your ego? Or something to be shared and spread with those less fortunate? Third, you must acknowledge consequences. When you venture into new, uncharted waters, a crowd will follow. Will you just keep sailing?

Solutions abound. Loyalty and voice can combine to fight back the obnoxious elements of over-commercialization. Don’t like the bud lime ads? Change your consumer preferences to a TiVo and zip past them.  You can even explore altruistic methods – while I mercilessly mocked supporters’ trusts last year because they are not a panacea to club driven debt, a more active role in your consumption of football may be warranted. Be more than an idle spectator.

The temptation is to paint globalization in broad brushstrokes and lament the loss of “local customs.” From an economists’ perspective, some customs are simply superior to others. Also, customs are neither static nor eternal. Football is a microcosm of this. The interchange between Spaniards and Englishmen has left the Spanish much more direct & assertive in the offensive third – adding an aerial threat and cutting edge to their native intricate midfield play. Thus, globalization does not wipe away local customs – it mixes them in a pot with other customs. And you, as an assertive, informed, (and inevitable) consumer, can exercise your preference for the local way. Or not. But remember: what you decide has consequences beyond yourself.

So the next time you feel that you’ve discovered the next “great sporting thing,” the next amateur league or foreign professional campeonato, accept the truth. You may have entered a pristine nursery…but you just left the sanatorium. Cover your mouth when you cough.

Digital Image Impression: the amazingly talented artist Erik Ebeling. Check out his other work at ErikEbelingArt .