A Scientific Inquiry into the EPL Fandom of one Rapper “Drake”

Good evening, good sir or madam. As the foremost expert on North American celebrities who are also fans of teams in the EPL, I face a quandary. As you know, Leicester City sit atop the EPL standings to the delight of many and largely because their Italian coach throws the team pizza parties when not ordering the striker to not practice finishing.  You rightly ask: if this team is successful, then why has Drake, the Canadian rapper who constantly gets unexpectedly sexually assaulted (twerked upon sans consent) in music videos, not yet taken a picture with them?

Luckily, in pouring over results from a prior study, I believe that I have found the answer to said question. And learned quite a bit about Drake’s true allegiances. Continue reading “A Scientific Inquiry into the EPL Fandom of one Rapper “Drake”” »

The Flaws of a Fallen Angel Narrative

Sporps writing today. Bloody hell. In February, SB Nation published and then deleted a detailed feature on Brian Holtzclaw, the cop convicted of several counts of rape. The story suffered from a fatal flaw: the desire to humanize a serial rapist and abuser of public trust by detailing the convicted rapist’s past sporting accomplishments. The attempts to a) possibly explain his atrocious actions and/or b) cast doubt on his guilty were less than half-hearted – they were insulting to anyone with a brain. Of course his family doesn’t think he’s guilty. Lots of athletes suffer injuries, and concussions, and don’t get drafted by the NFL, and don’t prey sexually on the weak under the color of law.

Yet this got me thinking more generally about sports writing, reporting, and a recent feature on Adam Johnson. Continue reading “The Flaws of a Fallen Angel Narrative” »

When We Knew that LVG had just Kissed Death as United Coach

It’s sad when a relationship ends, even when you’ve been with a defensive rooster of a man who seemed iconoclastic at first but has withered in conviction with age. A serious late season charge could still save Louis Van Gaal’s job at United, but with Mou lurking and Woodward silent, the writing seems to be on the wall.

Or, rather, in the British dailies. Continue reading “When We Knew that LVG had just Kissed Death as United Coach” »

Manchester United Comfortably Beats a Decent Team

No, your eyes do not deceive you. Yesterday, Manchester United played at Old Trafford and went head-to-head with the Pep Guardiola castaway player reclamation project aka Barney Ronay’s beautiful dark twisted fantasy aka Stoke City. Manchester United score goals and won.

This surprised many. Continue reading “Manchester United Comfortably Beats a Decent Team” »

Avant Garde Premier League Transfer Day (Not) Live Blog of Associations

Transfer. But what would it even look like, you ask? Trans fur, in my estimation, would be just like any other fur, of equal value to society as non-trans fur, and would not invite your queries into said fur’s past history and does not appreciate your biologically deterministic conflation of gender and sex. I also don’t appreciate any of the un-kind words you’ve said recently about trans fat. Continue reading “Avant Garde Premier League Transfer Day (Not) Live Blog of Associations” »

Liverpool FC: More than a Committee of Issues

I’m a big fan of Guardian columnist Barney Ronay. Yes, his last names sounds uncomfortably similar to Rooney, but nobody’s perfect. Still, his most recent column on Liverpool FC with the angle that “committee results in incoherent plan and bad signings” struck me as a bit off the mark. In sum, two much bigger picture issues cloud the horizon for the Scousers. Continue reading “Liverpool FC: More than a Committee of Issues” »

Leicester City and the Little Things

This past week, I watched Leicester City play soccer. I had read and heard quite a bit about them. They are successful at football. Despite barely avoiding relegation and not re-signing Esteban Cambiasso, they’d led the league at various times this past season. People say the new EPL TV deal means smaller clubs can now offer big wages to keep their established EPL stars, messing up the established hierarchy.

So I saw them play Aston Villa to a 1:1 draw. And what stuck out to me were the two posts of Leicester’s own goal. Continue reading “Leicester City and the Little Things” »

The Sadness and Darkness of Entropy, or “The Inevitable Decline of Fernando Torres & Falcao”

This may shock you, but, for a time, Fernando Torres played soccer exceptionally well. Even before he signed for Liverpool FC and rocked the back of nets in England, he scored some absolute screamers as a youth for Atletico de Madrid and became known as Barcelona’s bogeyman. He became a Champion of Europe with Spain in 2008 and then won a World Cup. However, on a cold winter’s day in January of 2011, Liverpool sold him for a fortune for Chelsky.

And he’s never been the same. Continue reading “The Sadness and Darkness of Entropy, or “The Inevitable Decline of Fernando Torres & Falcao”” »

Who’s to BLAME for the lack of Rooney Rule in the EPL?

The Guardian has reported that the Premier League has refused to adopt even a voluntary version of the NFL’s so-called “Rooney Rule”, whereby at least one minority candidate must be interviewed for every open coaching position. This is sad because talented and smart guys like Clarence Seedorf often get overlooked or pushed out the door too early to make way for the Pippo Inzaghis of the world.

One thing that also bugs me about this non-decision, though, is the circular justification. But I’m also annoyed by a certain acronym used in this debate. Continue reading “Who’s to BLAME for the lack of Rooney Rule in the EPL?” »