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The Frank Lampard Society offers the poignant, emotional, and ulimate entry from the diary of one Mr. Lampard. Please be prepared to see some very graphic and unintelligible emoticons. Pregnant women with a history of epilepsy and currently taking blood pressure medication are advised to proceed with caution. Continue reading “Frank Lampard: the Diary of an Old Midfielder” »
Manchester City have won the English Premier League. T’was not all roses, though. Like an episode of the Real World on MTV, we all learned that even people with money can mess up their lives. The Tevez saga. Eden Dzeko. The Kompany injury. Eden Dzeko. Aguero’s go-kart exploits. Eden Dzeko. Lesser teams would have crumbled, but not City. On the back of a resurgent Yaya Toure and some last game extra time heroics, they won the title on the last day, and we salute them.
We also would like to take the time to reflect upon the oft overlooked underdog story at City. We speak, of course, about Sheikh Mansour. Continue reading “Kudos to Manchester City & the Most Unlikeliest of Underdogs” »
Some people run from the truth.They flee from their own pathetic failure of a life and hide in the world of soccer. These feeble humans turn themselves into ostriches and stick their heads underground. Or worse, MLS. Why? The truth hurts. At least if you’re utterly pathetic and really defensive about your utterly patheticness. Me, though, I stroll through life like the sole rooster in the hen house. Peacocks cock their heads to see my plumage. Why? Because I am a fan of European soccer, not MLS. I belong to the elite of the elite.
And you? Well, North American ostrich, I have bad news. You belong to a very confused, defensive, and at times reprehensible nativist community. Allow me to explain why myself and European soccer are better than you and MLS. The evidence will astound you. Continue reading “Confessions of an Unabashed European Soccer Snob” »
Not all weaknesses reveal themselves easily on a silver screen. Sometimes, we think we’ve found Achilles’s heel, but instead encounter steel-backed boots. Sometimes, we use our hands to part the scales on the sleeping dragon’s chest only to realize, crap, we brainfarted and left the sword at the cave entrance. The world of soccer is no different. Nor is the world at large.
Thus, we’ve sifted through a few key historical and Manchester-related alleged “signs of weakness.” Some are obvious. Some, not so much. Please keep them in mind as you watch Mario Balotelli either score a winner or get red carded during the derby. Continue reading “Manchester United v. Manchester City: the True Signs of Weakness” »
The Frank Lampard preservation society offers another glance into the complicated mind of Chelsea’s aging midfield genius. In this chapter, Frank teeters between depression and elation. He also re-brands himself as the walking man’s player, not to be confused with the thinking man’s player.
I recently set out to find Diego Maradona‘s missing synthetic penis. The task looked daunting. Several years ago, when internet still dialed up and you browsed with Netscape Navigator, Diego donated his infamous whizzinator to a local Buenos Aires museum. This artifact’s historical significance cannot be overestimated: while playing for Napoli in Italy, he had used the fake appendage to beat random drug tests. However, to the world’s dismay, a thief stole the penis from the museum, a police report got filed, and the internet exploded with dozens of identically worded articles. Then, a silence ensued that would span several years. I scanned for updates and combed through indexed search engine pages for details, but no dice. The penis thief remained at large and nobody cared.
My search yielded little fruit, but a bigger question lingered: what does this production and exchange of information say about our society? And what does that mean for the bad celebrity of today, Mario Balotelli?
Continue reading “Diego Maradona to Mario Balotelli-Yellow Journalism Goes Viral!” »
The soccer interwebs are a large and scary place. Sometimes, you try to find an amusing GIF of a petulant foul or amazing free kick and you end up in a forum cave, surrounded by trolls that will defend King Kenny to the death. Tread with caution. And check out these pre-approved links. Continue reading “OWN GOALS – Some Soccer Goodness From the Interwebs” »
The Frank Lampard preservation society proudly offers another edition of the groundbreaking, intimate, and kinda shallow life of a Chelsea legend. In this episode, Frank smirks, gloats, and then smirk-gloats. A lot. Continue reading “Frank Lampard: the Diary of an Old Midfielder” »
Everyday, a football club owner falls into the media’s cross hairs for some reason or another. One of the common gripes is that Owen Owner is a no good corporate raider. Without a doubt, some investment banks and American executives fit this Barbarians at the Gate caricature perfectly. We can all thank our lucky stars that Liverpool ran out of town Gillete and Hicks before administration entered the equation. Currently, Rangers are in some trouble. Sadly, Portsmouth FC may soon cease to exist.
However, some businesses practices draw criticism but deserve a closer look for two reasons. First, these practices show that sometimes a “loan” can be superior to equity from a business perspective. Second, and more importantly, these practices highlight perhaps the greatest structural conundrum of our time: how tax rates and corporate law have joined to favor debt over ownership. Continue reading “Football Debt – Under a Microscope & From Afar” »
To err is human. To err gravely is footballer. In the last few months, we’ve seen some pretty atrocious actions by a few soccer players. The EPL has been marred by dissidents and racists. La Liga has been cursed by malevolent dubsteppers. However, I always hate the sin, not the sinner. And by “sin” I don’t mean “Sin Bad”, although I never did get the contemporary comedian’s jokes. Also, the Arabian Nights tale is kinda long at parts. No, I mean “sin” as in “immoral offense.” The point is simple: these players committed offenses, but have apologized. From the bottom of their hearts, they plead for mercy. We should forgive them. Despise the sin, not the Sinbad. Criticize the foot stomp, not Pepe’s foot.
We have a lot to learn from footballers about sins and forgiveness. In particular, we have a lot to learn from their super sincere apologies. Here are a few key tips will help us all in the future should we need to beg for pardon. Continue reading “Some Footballer Tips on How to Make Sincere Apologies” »