Category Archives: Manchester United

Manchester United v. Manchester City: the True Signs of Weakness

Posted on by
4

Not all weaknesses reveal themselves easily on a silver screen. Sometimes, we think we’ve found Achilles’s heel, but instead encounter steel-backed boots. Sometimes, we use our hands to part the scales on the sleeping dragon’s chest only to realize, crap, we brainfarted and left the sword at the cave entrance. The world of soccer is no different. Nor is the world at large.

Thus, we’ve sifted through a few key historical and Manchester-related alleged “signs of weakness.” Some are obvious. Some, not so much. Please keep them in mind as you watch Mario Balotelli either score a winner or get red carded during the derby. Continue reading “Manchester United v. Manchester City: the True Signs of Weakness” »

Some Footballer Tips on How to Make Sincere Apologies

Posted on by
Reply

To err is human. To err gravely is footballer. In the last few months, we’ve seen some pretty atrocious actions by a few soccer players. The EPL has been marred by dissidents and racists. La Liga has been cursed by malevolent dubsteppers. However, I always hate the sin, not the sinner. And by “sin” I don’t mean “Sin Bad”, although I never did get the contemporary comedian’s jokes. Also, the Arabian Nights tale is kinda long at parts. No, I mean “sin” as in “immoral offense.” The point is simple: these players committed offenses, but have apologized. From the bottom of their hearts, they plead for mercy. We should forgive them. Despise the sin, not the Sinbad. Criticize the foot stomp, not Pepe’s foot.

We have a lot to learn from footballers about sins and forgiveness. In particular, we have a lot to learn from their super sincere apologies. Here are a few key tips will help us all in the future should we need to beg for pardon. Continue reading “Some Footballer Tips on How to Make Sincere Apologies” »

United v. Liverpool – The Shadows of Greatness Linger

Posted on by

Everybody wants to talk about Luis Suarez. He was charged with racism, served his suspension, and has returned to play. Done. Was he petulant before the game? Yes. But since when was that novel? I’m more interested in this little thing called the field. On said field, players kick balls. In fact, just yesterday, a game was played on said field. Manchester United won 2-1. However, despite the win, several none-Suarez disturbing images marred the view. Continue reading “United v. Liverpool – The Shadows of Greatness Linger” »

The Recent Highs & Lows of Manchester United fandom

Posted on by

For the last decade, the greatest benefit to being a Manchester United fan has been the license to perpetually wear a smug grin of satisfaction. Liverpool only qualified for the UEFA league again? Poor King Kenny. At least Andy Carroll has curbed his drinking problem and keeps the bench nice & warm during winter. Arsenal struggling to start the season? Well, at least they’ll get a cash injection from Barcelona in the transfer window. Lately, though, the tides have turned.

Continue reading “The Recent Highs & Lows of Manchester United fandom” »

Horrific Tragedy Bootstrapped to Champions League Recap

Posted on by

This past weekend, a German referee attempted to commit suicide. CNN reported on this tragedy, and also managed to sneak in the same article some game recaps. Tactful! The Guardian did one better, reporting racism charges against Luis Suarez while also letting us know that the alleged racist did not play in an international friendly due to injury. Useful! I will now do them both one up by reporting on this week’s Champions League fixtures…..and the gruesome puppy death(s).

(Associated & Fabricated Press) – Today, we regret to report the death of over 200 adorable puppies. And a less than adorable nun and bus driver. At eight o’clock at night, the Save-a-Pup bus, full of 200 recently rescued puppies, rambled down the road on its way to a warm & welcoming puppy shelter. Little did the driver realize that rather than heading towards Brownsville, Texas, he and the puppies were on track for their own grisly deaths. Continue reading “Horrific Tragedy Bootstrapped to Champions League Recap” »

The Manchester Derby & a Heavy Dose of Trite Sportswriting

Posted on by

Manchester City beat Manchester United at Old Trafford by 6-1. The win was deserved, even if a late deluge of goals made the scoreline slightly more embarrassing than warranted. Still, bloodbaths of this magnitude tend to fray the senses, melt the mind, and sportswriters revert to a Neanderthal mental state. Here is what they will have written Monday morning. Continue reading “The Manchester Derby & a Heavy Dose of Trite Sportswriting” »

Rorschach Tactical Anaysis: Manchester United v. Liverpool

Posted on by

I still remember the days of the anti-intellectual era, so I’m pretty happy to see tactics-speak take a place in our collective chit-chat about soccer. But, at some point, tactics-speak must go beyond tactics-speak. Eventually, all discourses can become a closed system, an algebraic formula with a predetermined end that ceases to illuminate. You saw the United-Liverpool game. You read the match recaps. You saw the heat maps. You glanced at the passing stats. You even perused the chalkboards. But one question remains, and it just may be the most important one, at least from a Freudian Psycho-analytic perspective.

Just how guilty do you feel for sustaining an erection while being held by your mother as a three year old child? Let’s find out together. Continue reading “Rorschach Tactical Anaysis: Manchester United v. Liverpool” »

Soccerverse Justice: Paper Tigers that Should Have Been….

Posted on by

So, a few weeks ago, the Portuguese federation banned Ricardo Carvahlo for a year because he skipped out on a national team practice. A pretty harsh punishment, right? If Allen Iverson, the former NBA player, had been dealt with accordingly, he would be serving his ban up until just before the successful colonization of Mars. Sadly, though, I don’t think Ricardo will learn his lesson. Why?

Well, because the punishment is a classic paper tiger. The Portuguese federation did not fine him money, property, or anything else of tangible value. Rather, they punished him after he left the practice…and announced his retirement. Thus, the steely grip of justice is not choking a perpetrator, but rather grasping at thin air. Still, though, not all is lost. I applaud the Portuguese federation for this delicious dish of amusing impotence. While authorities often do this crap to save face, they only provoke chuckles to thinkers with a keen eye.

And now let’s speculate on a few other paper tiger punishments that could have never changed the course of history had they been brutally imposed upon certain perpetrators…. Continue reading “Soccerverse Justice: Paper Tigers that Should Have Been….” »

Possible Permutations of United's Partial Flotation in Singapore

Posted on by

After our last post on club ownership, some curious readers and tweeters have asked – what exactly is a “partial flotation” on a stock market? What does Manchester United plan to do? Generally, the Red Devils want to go public, but not as publicly as we’d like. They want cash, but not transparency. How can we tell? For starters, they have chosen the Singapore Stock Exchange, which has less disclosure requirements than the LSE. Secondly, I’ve glanced at a few recent Singapore IPO listings, brushed up on international finance 101, and brainstormed a few possible permutations for this alleged “partial flotation.”

Things do not look pretty. Here are the likely forms and results: Continue reading “Possible Permutations of United's Partial Flotation in Singapore” »

Paul Scholes: the Brilliance of Lightning Sans Thunder

Posted on by

There’s only one Paul Scholes. And after his testimonial game, we probably will never see him don a red jersey ever again. To categorize Scholes is to do him cosmic injustice. To describe a talent beyond words is a fool’s errand. Yet the player, who meant so much to so many different fans and players, deserves a tribute. And a tribute he shall receive. Continue reading “Paul Scholes: the Brilliance of Lightning Sans Thunder” »