7 Things with a Softer First Touch than Jozy Altidore

Many people don’t know this, but in addition to his role as a medieval siege weapon, Jozy Altidore is actually a professional, international footballer. It has even been rumored that Altidore has not yet worked this out himself, however the facts do not lie: Jozy Altidore has played in 67 games for the USMNTurtles. Rumor has it that he is even paid a weekly wage by BPL team, Sunderland Black Cats United.

However, since retiring from his job as a heavy blunt object, Altidore has struggled in his new role of professional footballer. In particular he needs to work on his first touch, so we have compiled a list of seven things Jozy can use as inspiration for improvement in this area : Continue reading “7 Things with a Softer First Touch than Jozy Altidore” »

The FutFeed Manifesto: Because Viral Content is Contagious

I know, I know. This website has gone through so many “reboots” it might as well be a movie featuring a comic book character as protagonist. The Puffington Host. FutSail Online University. We’ve tried a million-and-one-ways to squeeze a dime from internet content. And we’ve failed. Up until today. Continue reading “The FutFeed Manifesto: Because Viral Content is Contagious” »

Friendly Ire: Past USMNT Near Misses

Life isn’t all sunny days and lollipops. Sometimes, it rains on our parade. Sometimes, a player for the US national team doesn’t get that ticket to the World Cup. Here are a few stunning displays in either friendlies or World Cup qualifying by US players that didn’t add up to a tournament invitation.

Shed a tear for these poor guys. So close, yet so far. Continue reading “Friendly Ire: Past USMNT Near Misses” »

Ask An American Soccer Fan: Pending Ukraine Friendly

The US men’s national team currently has a friendly scheduled vs. the Ukraine. (No article: here’s why) As a team that narrowly lost to France in a two-legged playoff, it promised to be a stern test for the team. However, the recent violence in political developments have raised the specter that the game may be moved and/or even called off. Despite a recent peace deal signed last Friday, nobody knows if the other side will respect it. The President has left the country and the PM has been released, but will the loyalists put down their arms?

We decided to ask a sample of US soccer fans what they thought about the game and this highly volatile situation. Continue reading “Ask An American Soccer Fan: Pending Ukraine Friendly” »

Soccer Lynx: Open the Soccer Pod(Cast) Doors, Hal

Ahh, nothing is more relaxing than aural pleasure, no? Now that I have relocated to a major metropolitan area, each morning and evening I look forward to gridlock, accidents, folks changing lanes without turning on their signals, overturned cars, ambulances, fire trucks, and folks turning on signals and not changing lanes. What could be more blissful?

Luckily, my iPhone is regularly loaded with some lovely podcasts.Here they are: Continue reading “Soccer Lynx: Open the Soccer Pod(Cast) Doors, Hal” »

The US Soccer Men’s National Team and the Group of Destiny

The soccersphere in the US is a pretty depressed (and depressing) place. Why? Well, the US got a pretty tough draw in the World Cup: Ghana, Germany, and Portugal. It’s been dubbed a Group of Death even though ESPN stats guru Nate Silver gives the US a 39% chance of advancing, about even with Portugal.

Why all the pessimism? Why are glasses so half-empty? Here are the practical and metaphysical reasons: Continue reading “The US Soccer Men’s National Team and the Group of Destiny” »

Soccer has an “America” problem and it’s not what you think

We’ve all seen the EPL on NBC ads. The execution is amusing and I did chuckle a bit. However, the undertone is depressingly similar to the lamestream “soccer as other” take. The premise is that soccer is “foreign” and thus we should dislike it. This is very similar to the “soccer as feminine” line of thought. Both attempt to depict the United States as a proudly nativist, robust heterosexual male who dominates all worthy endeavors. Soccer is foreign and feminine, and thus will “never catch on.”

I don’t give two shits if soccer goes mainstream. I love the sport. But, with your indulgence, I’d like to write as an abrasive talk show radio host and take the opposite angle on soccer and the US.
Continue reading “Soccer has an “America” problem and it’s not what you think” »

Elliott Turner Continues to Get Around

Yes, I’m on a blogging break. However, I still get around. That is to say, I am ambulatory. My legs function. I walk. I stand. I move. My hands also enjoy a full range of movement, not limited to swiping on an iPad and typing on an ergonomic keyboard. Here are some cool spots where you can find my written word on soccer: Continue reading “Elliott Turner Continues to Get Around” »