Every World Cup Article Ever: Countdown to Countdowns

A watched kettle never boils, unless that kettle is an international sporting event watched and eagerly anticipated by hundreds of millions. The Brazilian World Cup is on the horizon, so many fine media outlets have started “daily countdowns” to highlight the number of remaining days and events that transpire. But why stop at days? Why not hours? Seconds? Milliseconds? What draws the human mind to fragment time and then stare at our beloved social construct with a microscope?

What makes this whole exercise all the more fascinating/depressing/amusing is the issues Brazil still faces (and will probably still face at the World Cup). Continue reading “Every World Cup Article Ever: Countdown to Countdowns” »

SPONSORED: Top 7 Qatar Hotels for the ’22 World Cup (By Migrant Body Count)

We are the Qatar Tourism Authority are aware of the recent issues that have come to light about our country. We are aware that many fans of soccer are very sad and mad and angry. We respect the emotions of the fans. We promise to improve these things as much as possible.

In that respectful regards, we have decided to create a useful list of hotels where fans can stay that addresses the fans’ big concerns. First, many of you are worried that the hotels in Qatar will be beyond your modest budgets. Second, many of you would feel guilty staying in a hotel that was built by many migrant laborers who died. Here are the hotels as rated for you cost-conscious consumers with a conscience.

Good luck finding the most affordable reservation with the lowest death count. Continue reading “SPONSORED: Top 7 Qatar Hotels for the ’22 World Cup (By Migrant Body Count)” »

Top 20 Pictures of Selfish Daniel Sturridge Celebrating Immediately After Being Selfish

Selflessness. Civility. Respect for others. These are the foundations of any civilized society. Yet one player flaunts this code. He brazenly disregards societal norms. Instead of sharing the football, he shoots it. Instead of humbly apologizing to opponents for ruining their day and perhaps harming their net, he celebrates.

This monster, of course, is selfish Englishman Daniel Sturridge. Continue reading “Top 20 Pictures of Selfish Daniel Sturridge Celebrating Immediately After Being Selfish” »

SPONSORED: The Official 5 Leather Briefcases Used By FIFA For All “Business Matters”

International wire transfers. Aren’t they just so…cumbersome, what with the government monitoring? That’s how Jack Warner got popped by the UK press. But what’s a cool at to do? Paypal used to be decent but wimped out, Bitcoin is too unstable, so, alas, what’s the best way to transfer money? Cash in a briefcase. The tried-and-true classic. But not just any briefcase.

These special briefcases include engraved inspirational quotes. Continue reading “SPONSORED: The Official 5 Leather Briefcases Used By FIFA For All “Business Matters”” »

Top 9 Pictures of Footballers and Helicopters

Helicopters, they’re not just for transporting manufactured homes anymore. They can also do other important tasks, like carrying soldiers to kill people, carrying bombs to drop and kill people, and transporting foreign aid to people who will be killed by errant drone strikes weeks later.

More importantly (Ahem, MOST IMPORTANT), helicopters sometimes transport soccer star players. Here are some highlights. Continue reading “Top 9 Pictures of Footballers and Helicopters” »

Top 15 Pictures of Arjen Robben Losing His Lifelong Battle with Gravity

Gravity always wins. Still, if the theory of relatively is true, then shouldn’t gravity not be the same for everyone? If you watched European soccer, then you’ll also have noticed this. Some players just really struggle to fight with gravity. It’s as if they’re being picked on.

And this is especially true for Bayern Munich winger Arjen Robben. Continue reading “Top 15 Pictures of Arjen Robben Losing His Lifelong Battle with Gravity” »

Top 10 Pictures of James Milner Embracing His Role on the Bench

Benches. Nobody likes them. They are hard. They offer scant back support. Yet, often, professional soccer players must sit on them. Most refuse. However, one English talisman, James Milner, has dutifully rode the pine for Manchester City and elsewhere.

Here are the best images of St. James warming the bench until, say, the 80th minute. Continue reading “Top 10 Pictures of James Milner Embracing His Role on the Bench” »

The FutFeed Manifesto: Because Viral Content is Contagious

I know, I know. This website has gone through so many “reboots” it might as well be a movie featuring a comic book character as protagonist. The Puffington Host. FutSail Online University. We’ve tried a million-and-one-ways to squeeze a dime from internet content. And we’ve failed. Up until today. Continue reading “The FutFeed Manifesto: Because Viral Content is Contagious” »

World Cup Moments: The Goals That Weren’t…..

As you may have noticed, it’s not all lollipops and summer days around here. I’ve been pretty dissatisfied with media coverage of World Cups since 2010, when the press focused too much on the “Africa” in South Africa. Of course, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Except when everybody talks only about voodoo and raises doubts about “proper organization.” Nobody bothered to puncture the surface and probe for worthwhile stories of humanity.

Brazil 2014 has not been different. However, in the interest of reader sanity, it helps to recall that, despite problems off the field, the World Cup has produced some magical moments. The Guardian has a nice series on this. Here are some of my own favorite moments that revolve around goals not happening. Continue reading “World Cup Moments: The Goals That Weren’t…..” »

Every World Cup Article Ever: Stupid Animal Predicts Result

No, there will be no Piers Morgan joke. Too easy. But I will write about similar slimy entity: the amoeba. A amoeba, of course, is a protozoa that lacks a definite shape and also no brain, just a nucleus. Amoebas aren’t cute. They aren’t cuddly. They just float around, digest, and reproduce asexually (booooring).

And that’s why they’re the perfect entity to make World Cup predictions. Continue reading “Every World Cup Article Ever: Stupid Animal Predicts Result” »