Every now and then, we at Futfanatico land a huge interview about futbol with an unexpected celebrity. Once we got Slavoj Zizek to predict a World Cup final. Another time, Jean Baudrillard turned his piercing gaze to American celebrity fans of Arsenal. While Rolling Stone barely nicked us to that Chapo interview, we are delighted to welcome Silky Johnson, the greatest hater in the history of hating.
Silky, a professional hater who makes your ex’s bae look like a bubbling cauldron of optimism, will now brutally and flippantly degrade every player you have ever adored. Continue reading “Q & A: Silky Johnson Explains Why Every Player You Ever Loved In Fact Sucks” »
In case you missed it, United States prosecutors are charging and extraditing Latin American (and elsewhere) officials from FIFA left and right. The feds are so tenacious, they are even plucking Guatemalan executives off Disney cruises in Miami. Yet, for a country that has a pretty bad corruption score in most indexes, the folks in Mexican soccer have avoided the net. Why?
Well, maybe they’re just clean and honest individuals. Okay, you can stop laughing now. I think the real reason is one of semantics. Continue reading “Top Five Excuses for the Possibly Incriminating Emails of FIFA Mexican Officials” »
Remember a few years ago when I wrote that long diatribe about why I hate fantasy sports? Well, to be honest, I lied. I was riding high on a counterculture trip; I was in a standoffish mood. I knew that you liked fantasy sports before me, so I played down my own interest. That way instead of getting “early adapter” street cred, I could salvage my ego with some contrarianism. I am sorry. In all truth, I love daily fantasy sports.
And who doesn’t need more fantasy in their daily life? Continue reading “Your Totally Not Sponsored Daily Fantasy Futbol Tips!” »
October 10 at the Rose Bowl in California, the US and Mexico will square off as recent Gold Cup champions in a single playoff game. At stake is a berth in the Confederations Cup, the “prep” summer tournament held a year before the World Cup. That means both North American teams will be fighting for a summer trip to Russia in 2017.
We asked US fans to break down just how excited they are at this monumental opportunity. Continue reading “Ask An American Soccer Fan: CONCACAF Cup” »
The year is 2004. Zinedine Zidane has just announced his retirement from Les Bleus and international football. Instead, he wants to focus on his club career at Real Madrid and also try to play professional ping pong, which was his dad’s greatest dream for him. Sadly, though, Zizou’s serve lacks the spin and precision for him to advance past the semifinals at any of the major pro ping pong (PPP) tournaments.
At the same time, trouble brews in the galaxy. An Intergalactic Amusement Park complete with non-rolling coasters and wheels not named after Ferris Bueler is having serious attendance problems. The place is named Seven Flags after some famous clone-ware related battle and resulting truce, but nobody can remember the exact details. All they know is that attendance has dropped precipitously. Even with 20% discounts on season passes and free meals (chicken tenders and fries) for kids ages 6-10 on Tuesdays, folks fail to turn up.
Thus, the nefarious Seven Flags CEO, Mr. HammSwindler, devises a dastardly plot: he sends his minions, the PotLucks, to Earth. Continue reading “Soccer Jam” »
Futfanatico’s editorial board notes that Elliott Turner is on injured reserve, so we got this guest column from an anonymous but totally respected “Sports Dude” who has a nationally syndicated radio show. Thus, you can trust everything written here.
Hey there, sports fans. I know that I don’t normally speak, write, or care for soccer or Women’s sports. However, I decided to take a break from my morning radio phone-in show and other writing commitments to pen this super op-ed on some topics that have been getting lots of Google clicks recently and thus are important and worthy of my carefully worded and reasoned thoughts.
I speak, of course, of the Women’s World Cup. More specifically, warm up your brains and put on your thinking caps for my super hot takes on the Hope Solo issue, the turf dispute, and the weird scheduling of elimination rounds. Continue reading “Absolutely essential Women’s World Cup Op-Ed(s) on Hope Solo and turf and weird scheduling from trusted dude who does not follow soccer or women’s sports” »
Textbooks. Don’t they smell nice? What with all that paper and ink and stuff. I remember when I was a student and had them. I also read a few. In fact, I studied Economics and recall vividly lots of convoluted hypothetical situations and painful historical analogies that purported to support different theories. Basically, capitalism exists because greed is good and the key to unlocking each individual’s potential. When we’ve unlocked each individual’s potential, then we unlock all of society’s potential. Or something.
And I can’t type about greed and goodness without writing about FIFA. Continue reading “Greed, Graft, FIFA and….Hope?” »
“To be or not to be”, that is not the question. If you are reading this, you exist. Whether you like that or not, that’s your own issue. Rather, the pertinent question is: why do international friendlies exist? What comprises their very essence? Luckily, through a time and space warp continuum, great past philosophers & poets & writers recently met in a modern setting, drank some wine, and discussed a similar issue plaguing Greece thousands of years ago: non-Olympic friendlies between athletes. Keep in mind, this is a story I heard from my friend James who was told it by this one dude at a college party one night about ten years ago, so there may be some inconsistencies.
Here are their conclusions, if any. Continue reading “A Platonic Symposium on the Essence of International Friendlies” »
Some famous literary heavyweights loved the sport of soccer. For example, French philosopher Albert Camus, author of The Stranger, enjoyed him some football. While some snooty intellectuals such as Borges viewed it as the opiate of the masses, others have applauded and embraced the artistry of a fine first touch. To put it simply, once you’ve seen a Dennis Bergkamp goal, your jaw drops, your mind goes blank, and only the best prose can describe the void left in your heart by every minute of the day you don’t see Bergkamp score.
Thus, it was no surprise that I noticed an odd pattern: many players on national teams around the world share names cannily similar to literary heavyweights. Wouldn’t it be beautiful for these two worlds to meld into one? Imagine the possibilities. Here are the highlights. Continue reading “The World’s Best International Players as Judged by Similarility of Names to Literary Figures” »
As the world’s most important soccer blog with “Futfanatico” in the URL, everyday my email inbox is flooded with folks who want to pay money to be published at this site. Prestige. Page rank. Blow. Being published at Futfanatico is a doorway to all of these things. Earthly riches beyond your comprehension. They know it. I know it. You now know it. Thus, it’s not surprising that FIFA’s close ally, the QTA, contacted me to publish this counterpoint post that defends FIFA’s decision to not publish the Garcia Corruption Report. We’ve worked with QTA before, with mixed reviews. Of course, the check cleared, so we’re for it. That’s why we’re doing it again.
Thus, let this expert, Marcos Peath, convince you that FIFA was right to not publish the Garcia Report. Here goes. Continue reading “SPONSORED CONTENT: Highly Paid Special Consultant Finds FIFA Correct to Not Publish Corruption Report” »