And then, by chance, somehow the press leaked that Munich would be signing one of Dortmund’s star players, Mario Gotze, this summer. Whoops. This season, Bayern’s President, Uli Hoeness, has also reminded the world that nine years ago the club gave Dortmund an interest-free loan to make payroll for a few months. Dick? Quite.

Thus, on the cusp of the Champions League final, as these two clubs face one another, we can only imagine what petty fact Bayern will reveal that involves Dortmund. Actually, perhaps “speculate” is the more accurate term. Here’s my best shot.

1) They’ve signed Robert Lewandowski.

2) Their President once gave Dortmund’s President a ride home after a night of drinking and held his head over a toilet.

3) They are activating Jurgen Klopp’s contract’s release clause this summer.

4) They were expecting to be paid interest on that loan nine years ago.

5) Dortmund is totally corporate. Their executives wear suits and ties and shit.

6) Uli Hoeness had his taxes prepared by a Dortmund accountant.

7) As a teenager, Munich’s General Manager kissed Dortmund’s GM’s sister, but didn’t tell him about it at the time.

8 ) Pep Guardiola almost signed on to coach Dortmund, but then settled on Munich.

9) They almost ironically signed Nuri Sahin.

10) They’re not really signing Mario Gotze. Especially after his injury. Psyche!

Elliott’s Real Madrid eBook is now on sale for only $6 at Amazon! Check out a free preview here.

For English-speakers, the headline is “Whose fault is it that Mou left?” If I have to explain to you why this is ironic, you should not be reading this site. Go watch cat videos on YouTube.

IMAGE: Marca

Many Madrid faithful find their spirits down. However, a few optimists repeat over and over some well-scripted speaking points to feel better. Or at least sound like they feel better. Here are a few:

“Second place is the new first place.”

“Cristiano has scored more penalties than Messi in La Liga.”

“Champions League semifinalists three years in a row. Surely that’s some sort of record.”

“At least Juande Ramos is not our coach.”

“The important thing is that Mou has the support of the locker room.”

“It’s a great time to be a madrileno, what with all the trophy-whores and fair weather fans out of the picture.”

“The Spanish SuperCup is a seriously underrated tournament. Err, two-legged playoff.”

“At least Vanderlei Luxemburgo isn’t our coach.”

“The important thing is that Mou has the support of half of the locker room.”

“Cristiano scored two more goals than Messi in the King’s Cup. Rock’in!”

“In ten years when Diego Lopez is a World Cup champion, two time European champion, and two time Champions League winner, we’ll look back and laugh at how dumb we were and smart Mou was.”

“At least Bernd Schuster isn’t our coach.”

“The important thing is that Mou has the support of Xabi Alonso and Alvaro Arbeloa.”

“Ronaldo scored 12 Champions League goals to Messi’s 8. Pwnage.”

“Well, I find solace in that we lost out on La Liga to an epicly good Barca squad. Alexis Sanchez. Pedro. The 65% fit right leg of David Villa. You just can’t stop a beast that big.”

“At least Jupp Henyckes isn’t our coach. D’oh!”

“The important thing is that Mou has the support of Mou.”

“Ronaldo is at least five inches taller than Messi. Nobody can ever take that away.”

Elliott’s soccer eBook, Real Madrid & Barcelona: the Making of a Rivalry, is available for $6 at Amazon here. Check out a free preview here.

Did you see that? Wow. Never has Raul Albiol been made to look so…Raul Albiol. Since Ronaldinho’s elastico and Robinho’s sombrero, soccer has gone quiet on the dribbling front. Yes, Neymar has rubber legs and a bag of tricks. However, he walks a path blazed by Garrincha. Brilliance is making the difficult look simple. Genius is not doing the unexpected. It is performing the unexplainable.

So, is Mata’s Hocus Pocus genius or brilliance?

On a technical level, the Hocus Pocus is a mixture of an elastico (“snake” in some English-speaking places) and a huevito (“nutmeg”). Juan Mata slides the ball behind his right heel with his left foot and then uses his left toe to poke the ball between the defender’s legs. Thus, it also includes elements of a rabona and a toe poke.

On a linguistic level, I don’t think the term “Hocus Pocus” is intended to be the definite term for Mata’s trick. Rather, it’s referring to something magical. Thus, we face a challenge – what should we call Mata’s move? Well, in the interest of following the annoying trend of fusing English and Spanish, I propose it involve the term “cool.” Because Juan Mata performs the trick and he himself is somewhat vertically challenged, I suggest we refer to the trick diminutive.

So, we shall call it “coolito.” Yes. Coolito. That is the perfect term for Mata’s masterful tomfoolery. The next time you are in Spain or Mexico (or some other country that tries to sound cool by speaking Spanish as their official language), be sure to drop that term into as many casual conversations as possible. Go forth.

Elliott’s Real Madrid eBook is now on sale for only $6 at Amazon! Check out a free preview here.

However, what wasn’t announced was United’s frantic search to find a replacement. We have uncovered a transcript of the rushed transatlantic conference call between owners Malcolm Glazer, Joel Glazer, and United Chief Executive David Gill.

David Gill: Joel, I’m getting a bit of static – can you hear me?

Joel Glazer: Yes Dave. I hear you fine. And I just want to let you know before dad gets on…..daddy is royally pissed off.

David Gill: Well, I think we’re all a bit saddened to see Sir Alex go. Then again, the writing was on the wall. He is well past sixty and…

Joel Glazer: Pissed off, I said. Not sad. Pissed off. Gill bill, we only bought United after you told us that “footballing was in Sir Alex’s bones.” We were concerned about a leadership change, but the whole “in his bones” line really sold us. We figured he’d die before retiring. We even had him take a medical and he passed with flying colors. Daddy will want to know how you let this happen, and what you’ve already done to solve it.

David Gill: Well, I, I must say….

Recorded Voice: New caller on the line. Make-him…Glossier.

Malcolm Glazer: Gill what the hell is going on over there? I can’t even straight I’m so mad. How…..did you see today’s share price drop? How did this happen?

David Gill: Well Mr. Glazer, Sir Alex had long talked about retirement. If you recall, a little over a decade ago, he even….

Malcolm Glazer: Did he just want a raise? Is this like that short fat runt….Rooney…..is this one of those situations?

Joel Glazer: Daddy that’s not very nice nor professional.

David Gill: Mr. Glazer, I don’t gather Sir Alex was looking for a pay bump. Rather, he’s worked hard for over two decades and…

Malcolm Glazer: whatever whatever whatever. I’m just saying….Sir Alex was a champ of a manager. Year after year, players did the same work but only a handful even dared to ask for a range. That’s how you gotta have employees – by the balls but under your own pair. Who’s the replacement Gillsy?

Joel Glazer: David, I believe that Daddy wants to know if you have a list of candidates.

David Gill: Naturally, I have anticipated Sir Alex’s departure. Thus, I’ve made a…

Malcolm Glazer: Wait, wait, wait. I just remembered. This is an international phone call, right? This is taking too long. Let’s all just get on the Skype.

David Gill: I’m sorry Mr. Glazer, the what? Seriously?

Joel Glazer: Skype. It’s a free messenger you use with your laptop.

David Gill: I’m aware of the Skype. But….this is an important matter. These phone lines are secure. Skype I mean I….I’m not even sure how long ago I tried to use it and….

Malcom Glazer: fine, David, fine. If you dislike technology like “the internet” then that’s fine. [Laughs at own joke]. Just trying to save a few bucks. So Gillsy – who are we hiring and why? Remember, we want somebody who doesn’t spend money.

Joel Glazer:  David, are there any leading candidates?

David Gill: Well Mr. Glazer, the ability to spend wisely is obviously one of the key talents and criteria for my managerial candidate search. Prudent spending is….

Malcom Glazer: Gillsy you said “spend” twice. Your burning my ears. [Laughs own joke. Awkard pause.] It’s a joke. Carry on.

David Gill: well, as I was saying, we looked at a variety of candidates. Obviously, the club has to keep winning and needs a proven winner. To that regards, we inquired and have reason to believe that Jose Mourinho is available to leave Real Madrid and we’d only have to spend about $13 million on a release clause.

Malcolm Glazer: Gillsy you gotta stop saying that word “spend.” I don’t want to spend any money, and I want a manager with a similar idea in mind. In fact, I want a guy so cheap he won’t even spend money on a decent vacation to the Bahamas. Hire me somebody paler than Casper.

David Gill: well Mr. Glazer, funny you should mention that because…

Malcolm Glazer: David Moyes yeah yeah I know. We had this meeting, like, three years ago, remember? Is he still at that club in Liverpool. He seems nice. I liked his Wikipedia profile. How much is it gonna cost to hire him?

Joel Glazer: Have you had a chance to approach his club and him about personal terms? Have you arranged an interview?

David Gill: Well, Mr. Glazer, you’ll be pleased to know that his contract as manager at Everton ends this summer. He can come on board for free in July. [Long silence]

Malcolm Glazer: Gillsy baby, that’s great news. But little squirt wanted to know – what’s his salary demands? When do we interview pasty?

David Gill: Mr. Glazer, he’s happy to have a very modest salary bump. And, when asked about a interview, he just said he wanted the job but….didn’t want to spend gas money on the company dime.

Joel Glazer: Really?

Malcom Glazer: Excellent. If he wants it, and we want him to want it, then why no offer yet? Why are you dragging this out?

David Gill: Well Mr. Glazer, I wanted to include you in the process. Plus, there is one major concern….

Joel Glazer: what is it?

Malcom Glazer: does he want to spend more than $20 million on transfers this summer?

David Gill: he….he has a history with Wayne Rooney. In fact, he gets along poorly with Wayne Rooney.

Malcom Glazer: [Whispering] Little squirt….who the fuck is he talking about?

Joel Glazer: [Whispering] Daddy, Mr. Gill can hear us. We are all on the same conference call and you and I are in separate cities. Still, I believe he’s referring to the plump forward with the fake hair implants.

David Gill: As you know, Wayne handed in a transfer request a few weeks ago and we feel that Moyes may force him to…

Malcom Glazer: [Laughing] Wait wait wait. This is the same guy who lied to us about transferring to get a pay rise and now can’t hit a goal to save his life? If I hire Moyes….I can get rid of Rooney? [Pauses] Gillys this talk has already gone on too long – hire Moyes. Hire him yesterday.

Recorded Voice: Make-him…Glossier has left the conference call.

Joel Glazer: David, thanks so much for your time and fine stewardship. Looks like you’ve made a great decision. Now that Daddy’s off the line, can I ask you a personal question…..about some interest-free personal loans per chance.

Elliott’s new eBook, Real Madrid & Barcelona: the Making of a Rivalry, is available for only $6 at Amazon here. Get a free sample here.

First, a note on “poverty.” The Federal Government issues annual guidelines for who it considers living in poverty. For a single person, if you earn $11,490 or less than you are poor. For a family of two, the number is $15,510. For a family of three, the number is $19,530. There’s several problems with the government measurement and those stats. As the Columbia University School of Public Health has pointed out, the rubrics fail miserably to account for inflation and other cost-of-living increases. Cost-of-living also varies greatly by region. If you live in McAllen, Texas, you just may pay less in rent than, say, Los Angeles, California. Columbia has concluded that an individual needs to earn double the Federal guidelines to afford the basics of living.

At first glance, even players making the $31,125 minimum are above that “double-the-feds” threshold. However, don’t just pop the bubbly yet. Many players have spouses. Quite a few have kids. If you are married with one kid (and your spouse is in school or not working), then, uh oh, you are pretty darn poor. To illustrate this point, I did a hypothetical “Should I Apply” online form for Chicago Fire goalie Alec Kann at the Texas Benefits Website. I assumed he was single and had no children. He earns pre-Taxes $31,125 per year, about $2,927 per month. The results were pretty positive, in a sense. There’s a decent chance Mr. Kann could qualify for Medicaid and even food stamps! Congrats!

Conservatives will say: but Alex Kann is a reserve goalie! He’s at the very bottom of the totem pole! True, but in what just society should a lower-level employee live in poverty? He’s also not alone. Emilio Orozco, Julio Morales, and Brendan King of the Chicago Fire also earn the same salary. No employer should be able to look an employee in the eye and say “You deserve to live in poverty.” Especially not the first day on the job.

Of course, there is a fundamental irony to the Union releasing players’ salaries to embarrass MLS but those salaries being the result of a collective bargaining agreement negotiated by that same Union. The knee-jerk reaction is that the Union got outfoxed in the latest round of labor negotiations. After all, professional sports are one of the few unions left in the largely right-to-work US that can strike or threaten to strike with a serious impact. Leverage is on their side more so than, say, the dude at Verizon who tries to get you to upgrade to an iPhone 5 every time go to a store because your MMS doesn’t work.

However, the last round of negotiations were pretty fierce. The backdrop of a general recession but improving MLS revenues created a pretty toxic dynamic. The Union actually threatened to strike, and only a Federal Mediator could bring the two sides together. Also, the Union focused more on “freedom of movement” for players than dollars & cents. It’s an understandable position given the onerous restrictions on transfers and also the recessionomics of the time. Still, it definitely impacted the lowest run of the Union ladder.

We can’t just blame the players, either. Sports and athlete-employees, like many other employment situations, suffer from the “collective individual delusion problem.” Basically, each individual worker views their first job or current job as a stepping stone to a higher paying one later on in life. Wrong. Your first salary is the most important. This is the free market myth that a “labor market” can move freely and bargain for a just wage as individuals. Unions and union reps exist to correct this myth.

In conclusion, about 4-5 players per MLS team work for pay at the margins of poverty. Instead of painting a nice banner for your next MLS game, save the five bucks and pass it along to somebody on the bench. They probably need the gas money.

Elliott’s Real Madrid eBook is now on sale for only $6 at Amazon! Check out a free preview here.

Please disregard my recent eBook, it’s not always all about Real Madrid & Barcelona. A few decades ago, an El Salvadoran by the name of “Magico Gonzalez” kicked some serious ass at Cadiz, a small Andalucian club in Southern Spain. He even scored a class half-field slalom run of a goal to make Diego Maradona blush. (In Bed With Maradona)

Returning to Spanish soccer, what is the next step forward for wounded giants Real Madrid & Barcelona? I wrote a more traditional soccer piece that looks at how both clubs can regroup, refresh, and return to the pedestal of European Soccer. (Soccerlens)

Folks still have lingering questions about the book. Well, the great folks at the Real Madrid subreddit allowed me to conduct an AMA with their community last Monday. After a slow start (Hora Latina), the questions came in waves, but were all respectful and quite good. I truly enjoyed myself, and check out my answers here. (Reddit)

Also, it may blow your mind, but folks other than Elliott Turner sometimes write about soccer. And write quite well. In Europe, many folks assume that the Champions League is the true cash cow. However, Chelsea’s run to the Europa League final just may be more lucrative. (Swiss Ramble)

True brilliance is making the difficult look effortless. In Ecuador, a player scored a goal while laying down. Genius. (Dirty Tackle)

In other news, the MLS Players’ Union played their annual game of “shame the business owners.” They released each and every player’s salary. The results were not surprising. Most grade school teachers make more than a lot of MLS players. But then again, aren’t teachers more important than professional athletes? (Goal)

Lastly, Landon Donovan has been derided for taking a break from soccer and going to Africa. However, other American greats, like Ernest Hemingway, have found solace and peace in foreign lands. (Futbol Intellect)

Elliott’s Real Madrid eBook is now on sale at Amazon for $6. You can download a free preview here.

For only $6, you can now get a hundred years of history in glorious eBook technicolor! I’m proud to announce that the eBook, a tour de force on the first hundred years of this rivalry, is available at the following outlets:

You can buy a copy at Amazon for your Kindle by clicking HERE (Or on the icon below).

You can buy a copy at iTunes for your iPad, iPhone, or Mac by clicking HERE (Or on the icon below).

You can buy a copy at Barnes & Noble for your Nook by clicking HERE (Or on the icon below).

Please note, the book is only available in eBook format. No dead trees. No paper. No exceptions. If you don’t have an eReader but do have a PC, then you can buy the book at Smashwords here  (to read with Adobe Digital Editions or any other PC eReader program) or on the icon below.

If you really just want a PDF, and can pay via Paypal, then you can email me at Futfanatico (at) gmail (dot) com. We’ll figure something out. For those curious, I do get a bigger slice of the pie via direct Paypal sales, but good sales at Amazon, Apple, and Barnes & Noble start a virtuous cycle: the book climbs “top seller lists” which leads to more sales. Thus, I’m indifferent. Buy what works for you.

If you are into social, then you can check out the book’s GoodReads page. I will also be doing an AMA at the Real Madrid Subreddit today at 7pm central US time. AMA means “Ask Me Anything.” Weird questions will get weird answers. Good questions will get bumbling answers. Bad questions will get no answers. Those are the only rules.

Lastly, thanks to all my Kickstarter Backers for making this book possible. They are all listed below in the chronological order of backing:

Noel Weichbrodt. George Quraishi. Jay Chilton. Jessica H. Dirk Knemeyer. Abby. MJ Volkovitsch. Graham Parker. Matthew Perry. E. Houde. The Evil Alien Robots Charitable Trust. Christhomasfc. Christopher Dwyer. Argentina. Leonardo Acco Mendoza. Lola Emanuelli. Tyler Meyer. James Tyler. Chris Jones. Terry Duffelen. 077Football. Andres Pacheco-Flores. Dago Garcia. Tyler Miller. Saajid Vawda. Steve Corral. Charley Erwin. Robert Mirani. Adam Burgos. Miriti M. Alex Santos. Andrew Cieslak. WebbieWebster. Adam. Amanda Morgan. Blake Mace. Clint Irwin. Max Ornstein. Ty Schalter. Hugo Botha. Andrew Thomas. Jason Davis. Keith Hickey. Luis. Ian King. Zhibin Dai. Grant Gardner. Cribby Crab. Joy O’Brien. Ellen Harrer. Eric Busse. Ravi Ramineni Michael Moruzzi. Maxi Rodriguez. Tanuj Lakhina. Allison. Patrick Kilgore. Eric Beard. Derlen Chiu. Alexander Netherton. Arvind. Martin Fletcher. Scott Kessler. Brian. Rodrigo Penalba.

In the meantime, enjoy the book’s introduction (also in PDF at the end).

Introduction

The Root of Animosity

Why do we detest one another? For the last few millennia, humanity has occupied the upper echelons of the food chain. Ironically, we have climbed so high only to push one another off the top. Since Cain killed Abel, humans have invented multitudinous ways to slay one another. In the 20^th century, wars began to give way to sport as the prominent manner of channeling societal animosity. Yet the vile remains. This book focuses on a microcosm of dislike: the first hundred years of the rivalry between Spanish soccer clubs Real Madrid and FC Barcelona.

The starting point for this rivalry is the countervailing tensions of the modern nation state. From across the Atlantic, Americans are easily fooled into viewing European countries as static, ancient, homogenous, and free of regional strife. Yet Spain itself has fought a bloody civil war. Spain itself has experienced a brutal dictatorship. Spain itself boasts regional differences in dialects, language, cuisine, and culture. This background explains how and why tensions simmer among Spaniards. They flare up in all walks of life, including sport.

Soccer reflects this reality. In regards to Real Madrid and Barcelona, the 20th century is replete of shady dealings, mysterious happenings, and even hard-fought battles on the field of play. Despite inauspicious beginnings in different parts of Spain, the two clubs have slowly grown and fused their identities to one another. You can hardly see one without thinking of the other. This book will examine how and when this occurred, offer possible explanations, and analyze the implications. It will also offer a fresh take on famous moments in both clubs’ history.

I am a Real Madrid fan, but still offer an objective analysis given my geographical and professional distance. I grew up and live in the United States, an ocean away. Also, neither club was consulted about or involved in the creation of this book. Neither club has approved of this book. Why? Because many sports books become beholden to the perks of access and privilege. I support Real Madrid, but my duty as a writer is to honestly account for and explain history. To gloss over adversarial facts would be a disservice to you, the reader, and also to my beloved club. You cannot learn from past mistakes if you only read slanted history books. I also have the utmost respect for Barcelona as a sporting club and institution.

The internet greatly facilitated my research. However, the ability to process and rapidly disseminate tidbits of information has dumped fuel on the fire of partisan Real Madrid-Barcelona debates. Many fans from both sides spew ambiguous facts and unreasonable inferences cloud the debate. The desire to win an argument soils the search for truth. This book will examine in depth many of the nebulous and confusing events surrounding the clubs. From player transfers to the role of General Franco, I do my best to lay out the relevant facts and draw plausible conclusions. Reasonable minds may disagree, but I strived to be reasonable.

Thus, this book weds a sporting encyclopedia to economic and political background. I have combed through match recaps, media reports, interviews, official websites, and books. I have unearthed a trove of eccentric and essential facts. I have also researched and included the relevant political and economic periods of Spanish and world history to explain key moments and to provide narrative. Spanning each club’s founding all the way to the end of the 20th century, this book hopefully illuminates the complex yet controlled animosity between the two great rivals.

Rivalries either narrow or sharpen our focus, depending on your perspective. They do not always make the world a worse place. Competition has allowed Real Madrid and Barcelona to push one another to dizzying heights. Passionate fans may not see the progress, though, especially if their team just lost. No matter how much silverware lines the trophy case, two questions are always asked: who won the recent clásico? And who will win the next?

Real Madrid & Barcelona – the Making of a Rivalry