Did you see that? Wow. Never has Raul Albiol been made to look so…Raul Albiol. Since Ronaldinho’s elastico and Robinho’s sombrero, soccer has gone quiet on the dribbling front. Yes, Neymar has rubber legs and a bag of tricks. However, he walks a path blazed by Garrincha. Brilliance is making the difficult look simple. Genius is not doing the unexpected. It is performing the unexplainable.

So, is Mata’s Hocus Pocus genius or brilliance?

On a technical level, the Hocus Pocus is a mixture of an elastico (“snake” in some English-speaking places) and a huevito (“nutmeg”). Juan Mata slides the ball behind his right heel with his left foot and then uses his left toe to poke the ball between the defender’s legs. Thus, it also includes elements of a rabona and a toe poke.

On a linguistic level, I don’t think the term “Hocus Pocus” is intended to be the definite term for Mata’s trick. Rather, it’s referring to something magical. Thus, we face a challenge – what should we call Mata’s move? Well, in the interest of following the annoying trend of fusing English and Spanish, I propose it involve the term “cool.” Because Juan Mata performs the trick and he himself is somewhat vertically challenged, I suggest we refer to the trick diminutive.

So, we shall call it “coolito.” Yes. Coolito. That is the perfect term for Mata’s masterful tomfoolery. The next time you are in Spain or Mexico (or some other country that tries to sound cool by speaking Spanish as their official language), be sure to drop that term into as many casual conversations as possible. Go forth.

Elliott’s Real Madrid eBook is now on sale for only $6 at Amazon! Check out a free preview here.

However, what wasn’t announced was United’s frantic search to find a replacement. We have uncovered a transcript of the rushed transatlantic conference call between owners Malcolm Glazer, Joel Glazer, and United Chief Executive David Gill.

David Gill: Joel, I’m getting a bit of static – can you hear me?

Joel Glazer: Yes Dave. I hear you fine. And I just want to let you know before dad gets on…..daddy is royally pissed off.

David Gill: Well, I think we’re all a bit saddened to see Sir Alex go. Then again, the writing was on the wall. He is well past sixty and…

Joel Glazer: Pissed off, I said. Not sad. Pissed off. Gill bill, we only bought United after you told us that “footballing was in Sir Alex’s bones.” We were concerned about a leadership change, but the whole “in his bones” line really sold us. We figured he’d die before retiring. We even had him take a medical and he passed with flying colors. Daddy will want to know how you let this happen, and what you’ve already done to solve it.

David Gill: Well, I, I must say….

Recorded Voice: New caller on the line. Make-him…Glossier.

Malcolm Glazer: Gill what the hell is going on over there? I can’t even straight I’m so mad. How…..did you see today’s share price drop? How did this happen?

David Gill: Well Mr. Glazer, Sir Alex had long talked about retirement. If you recall, a little over a decade ago, he even….

Malcolm Glazer: Did he just want a raise? Is this like that short fat runt….Rooney…..is this one of those situations?

Joel Glazer: Daddy that’s not very nice nor professional.

David Gill: Mr. Glazer, I don’t gather Sir Alex was looking for a pay bump. Rather, he’s worked hard for over two decades and…

Malcolm Glazer: whatever whatever whatever. I’m just saying….Sir Alex was a champ of a manager. Year after year, players did the same work but only a handful even dared to ask for a range. That’s how you gotta have employees – by the balls but under your own pair. Who’s the replacement Gillsy?

Joel Glazer: David, I believe that Daddy wants to know if you have a list of candidates.

David Gill: Naturally, I have anticipated Sir Alex’s departure. Thus, I’ve made a…

Malcolm Glazer: Wait, wait, wait. I just remembered. This is an international phone call, right? This is taking too long. Let’s all just get on the Skype.

David Gill: I’m sorry Mr. Glazer, the what? Seriously?

Joel Glazer: Skype. It’s a free messenger you use with your laptop.

David Gill: I’m aware of the Skype. But….this is an important matter. These phone lines are secure. Skype I mean I….I’m not even sure how long ago I tried to use it and….

Malcom Glazer: fine, David, fine. If you dislike technology like “the internet” then that’s fine. [Laughs at own joke]. Just trying to save a few bucks. So Gillsy – who are we hiring and why? Remember, we want somebody who doesn’t spend money.

Joel Glazer:  David, are there any leading candidates?

David Gill: Well Mr. Glazer, the ability to spend wisely is obviously one of the key talents and criteria for my managerial candidate search. Prudent spending is….

Malcom Glazer: Gillsy you said “spend” twice. Your burning my ears. [Laughs own joke. Awkard pause.] It’s a joke. Carry on.

David Gill: well, as I was saying, we looked at a variety of candidates. Obviously, the club has to keep winning and needs a proven winner. To that regards, we inquired and have reason to believe that Jose Mourinho is available to leave Real Madrid and we’d only have to spend about $13 million on a release clause.

Malcolm Glazer: Gillsy you gotta stop saying that word “spend.” I don’t want to spend any money, and I want a manager with a similar idea in mind. In fact, I want a guy so cheap he won’t even spend money on a decent vacation to the Bahamas. Hire me somebody paler than Casper.

David Gill: well Mr. Glazer, funny you should mention that because…

Malcolm Glazer: David Moyes yeah yeah I know. We had this meeting, like, three years ago, remember? Is he still at that club in Liverpool. He seems nice. I liked his Wikipedia profile. How much is it gonna cost to hire him?

Joel Glazer: Have you had a chance to approach his club and him about personal terms? Have you arranged an interview?

David Gill: Well, Mr. Glazer, you’ll be pleased to know that his contract as manager at Everton ends this summer. He can come on board for free in July. [Long silence]

Malcolm Glazer: Gillsy baby, that’s great news. But little squirt wanted to know – what’s his salary demands? When do we interview pasty?

David Gill: Mr. Glazer, he’s happy to have a very modest salary bump. And, when asked about a interview, he just said he wanted the job but….didn’t want to spend gas money on the company dime.

Joel Glazer: Really?

Malcom Glazer: Excellent. If he wants it, and we want him to want it, then why no offer yet? Why are you dragging this out?

David Gill: Well Mr. Glazer, I wanted to include you in the process. Plus, there is one major concern….

Joel Glazer: what is it?

Malcom Glazer: does he want to spend more than $20 million on transfers this summer?

David Gill: he….he has a history with Wayne Rooney. In fact, he gets along poorly with Wayne Rooney.

Malcom Glazer: [Whispering] Little squirt….who the fuck is he talking about?

Joel Glazer: [Whispering] Daddy, Mr. Gill can hear us. We are all on the same conference call and you and I are in separate cities. Still, I believe he’s referring to the plump forward with the fake hair implants.

David Gill: As you know, Wayne handed in a transfer request a few weeks ago and we feel that Moyes may force him to…

Malcom Glazer: [Laughing] Wait wait wait. This is the same guy who lied to us about transferring to get a pay rise and now can’t hit a goal to save his life? If I hire Moyes….I can get rid of Rooney? [Pauses] Gillys this talk has already gone on too long – hire Moyes. Hire him yesterday.

Recorded Voice: Make-him…Glossier has left the conference call.

Joel Glazer: David, thanks so much for your time and fine stewardship. Looks like you’ve made a great decision. Now that Daddy’s off the line, can I ask you a personal question…..about some interest-free personal loans per chance.

Elliott’s new eBook, Real Madrid & Barcelona: the Making of a Rivalry, is available for only $6 at Amazon here. Get a free sample here.

First, a note on “poverty.” The Federal Government issues annual guidelines for who it considers living in poverty. For a single person, if you earn $11,490 or less than you are poor. For a family of two, the number is $15,510. For a family of three, the number is $19,530. There’s several problems with the government measurement and those stats. As the Columbia University School of Public Health has pointed out, the rubrics fail miserably to account for inflation and other cost-of-living increases. Cost-of-living also varies greatly by region. If you live in McAllen, Texas, you just may pay less in rent than, say, Los Angeles, California. Columbia has concluded that an individual needs to earn double the Federal guidelines to afford the basics of living.

At first glance, even players making the $31,125 minimum are above that “double-the-feds” threshold. However, don’t just pop the bubbly yet. Many players have spouses. Quite a few have kids. If you are married with one kid (and your spouse is in school or not working), then, uh oh, you are pretty darn poor. To illustrate this point, I did a hypothetical “Should I Apply” online form for Chicago Fire goalie Alec Kann at the Texas Benefits Website. I assumed he was single and had no children. He earns pre-Taxes $31,125 per year, about $2,927 per month. The results were pretty positive, in a sense. There’s a decent chance Mr. Kann could qualify for Medicaid and even food stamps! Congrats!

Conservatives will say: but Alex Kann is a reserve goalie! He’s at the very bottom of the totem pole! True, but in what just society should a lower-level employee live in poverty? He’s also not alone. Emilio Orozco, Julio Morales, and Brendan King of the Chicago Fire also earn the same salary. No employer should be able to look an employee in the eye and say “You deserve to live in poverty.” Especially not the first day on the job.

Of course, there is a fundamental irony to the Union releasing players’ salaries to embarrass MLS but those salaries being the result of a collective bargaining agreement negotiated by that same Union. The knee-jerk reaction is that the Union got outfoxed in the latest round of labor negotiations. After all, professional sports are one of the few unions left in the largely right-to-work US that can strike or threaten to strike with a serious impact. Leverage is on their side more so than, say, the dude at Verizon who tries to get you to upgrade to an iPhone 5 every time go to a store because your MMS doesn’t work.

However, the last round of negotiations were pretty fierce. The backdrop of a general recession but improving MLS revenues created a pretty toxic dynamic. The Union actually threatened to strike, and only a Federal Mediator could bring the two sides together. Also, the Union focused more on “freedom of movement” for players than dollars & cents. It’s an understandable position given the onerous restrictions on transfers and also the recessionomics of the time. Still, it definitely impacted the lowest run of the Union ladder.

We can’t just blame the players, either. Sports and athlete-employees, like many other employment situations, suffer from the “collective individual delusion problem.” Basically, each individual worker views their first job or current job as a stepping stone to a higher paying one later on in life. Wrong. Your first salary is the most important. This is the free market myth that a “labor market” can move freely and bargain for a just wage as individuals. Unions and union reps exist to correct this myth.

In conclusion, about 4-5 players per MLS team work for pay at the margins of poverty. Instead of painting a nice banner for your next MLS game, save the five bucks and pass it along to somebody on the bench. They probably need the gas money.

Elliott’s Real Madrid eBook is now on sale for only $6 at Amazon! Check out a free preview here.

Please disregard my recent eBook, it’s not always all about Real Madrid & Barcelona. A few decades ago, an El Salvadoran by the name of “Magico Gonzalez” kicked some serious ass at Cadiz, a small Andalucian club in Southern Spain. He even scored a class half-field slalom run of a goal to make Diego Maradona blush. (In Bed With Maradona)

Returning to Spanish soccer, what is the next step forward for wounded giants Real Madrid & Barcelona? I wrote a more traditional soccer piece that looks at how both clubs can regroup, refresh, and return to the pedestal of European Soccer. (Soccerlens)

Folks still have lingering questions about the book. Well, the great folks at the Real Madrid subreddit allowed me to conduct an AMA with their community last Monday. After a slow start (Hora Latina), the questions came in waves, but were all respectful and quite good. I truly enjoyed myself, and check out my answers here. (Reddit)

Also, it may blow your mind, but folks other than Elliott Turner sometimes write about soccer. And write quite well. In Europe, many folks assume that the Champions League is the true cash cow. However, Chelsea’s run to the Europa League final just may be more lucrative. (Swiss Ramble)

True brilliance is making the difficult look effortless. In Ecuador, a player scored a goal while laying down. Genius. (Dirty Tackle)

In other news, the MLS Players’ Union played their annual game of “shame the business owners.” They released each and every player’s salary. The results were not surprising. Most grade school teachers make more than a lot of MLS players. But then again, aren’t teachers more important than professional athletes? (Goal)

Lastly, Landon Donovan has been derided for taking a break from soccer and going to Africa. However, other American greats, like Ernest Hemingway, have found solace and peace in foreign lands. (Futbol Intellect)

Elliott’s Real Madrid eBook is now on sale at Amazon for $6. You can download a free preview here.

For only $6, you can now get a hundred years of history in glorious eBook technicolor! I’m proud to announce that the eBook, a tour de force on the first hundred years of this rivalry, is available at the following outlets:

You can buy a copy at Amazon for your Kindle by clicking HERE (Or on the icon below).

You can buy a copy at iTunes for your iPad, iPhone, or Mac by clicking HERE (Or on the icon below).

You can buy a copy at Barnes & Noble for your Nook by clicking HERE (Or on the icon below).

Please note, the book is only available in eBook format. No dead trees. No paper. No exceptions. If you don’t have an eReader but do have a PC, then you can buy the book at Smashwords here  (to read with Adobe Digital Editions or any other PC eReader program) or on the icon below.

If you really just want a PDF, and can pay via Paypal, then you can email me at Futfanatico (at) gmail (dot) com. We’ll figure something out. For those curious, I do get a bigger slice of the pie via direct Paypal sales, but good sales at Amazon, Apple, and Barnes & Noble start a virtuous cycle: the book climbs “top seller lists” which leads to more sales. Thus, I’m indifferent. Buy what works for you.

If you are into social, then you can check out the book’s GoodReads page. I will also be doing an AMA at the Real Madrid Subreddit today at 7pm central US time. AMA means “Ask Me Anything.” Weird questions will get weird answers. Good questions will get bumbling answers. Bad questions will get no answers. Those are the only rules.

Lastly, thanks to all my Kickstarter Backers for making this book possible. They are all listed below in the chronological order of backing:

Noel Weichbrodt. George Quraishi. Jay Chilton. Jessica H. Dirk Knemeyer. Abby. MJ Volkovitsch. Graham Parker. Matthew Perry. E. Houde. The Evil Alien Robots Charitable Trust. Christhomasfc. Christopher Dwyer. Argentina. Leonardo Acco Mendoza. Lola Emanuelli. Tyler Meyer. James Tyler. Chris Jones. Terry Duffelen. 077Football. Andres Pacheco-Flores. Dago Garcia. Tyler Miller. Saajid Vawda. Steve Corral. Charley Erwin. Robert Mirani. Adam Burgos. Miriti M. Alex Santos. Andrew Cieslak. WebbieWebster. Adam. Amanda Morgan. Blake Mace. Clint Irwin. Max Ornstein. Ty Schalter. Hugo Botha. Andrew Thomas. Jason Davis. Keith Hickey. Luis. Ian King. Zhibin Dai. Grant Gardner. Cribby Crab. Joy O’Brien. Ellen Harrer. Eric Busse. Ravi Ramineni Michael Moruzzi. Maxi Rodriguez. Tanuj Lakhina. Allison. Patrick Kilgore. Eric Beard. Derlen Chiu. Alexander Netherton. Arvind. Martin Fletcher. Scott Kessler. Brian. Rodrigo Penalba.

In the meantime, enjoy the book’s introduction (also in PDF at the end).

Introduction

The Root of Animosity

Why do we detest one another? For the last few millennia, humanity has occupied the upper echelons of the food chain. Ironically, we have climbed so high only to push one another off the top. Since Cain killed Abel, humans have invented multitudinous ways to slay one another. In the 20^th century, wars began to give way to sport as the prominent manner of channeling societal animosity. Yet the vile remains. This book focuses on a microcosm of dislike: the first hundred years of the rivalry between Spanish soccer clubs Real Madrid and FC Barcelona.

The starting point for this rivalry is the countervailing tensions of the modern nation state. From across the Atlantic, Americans are easily fooled into viewing European countries as static, ancient, homogenous, and free of regional strife. Yet Spain itself has fought a bloody civil war. Spain itself has experienced a brutal dictatorship. Spain itself boasts regional differences in dialects, language, cuisine, and culture. This background explains how and why tensions simmer among Spaniards. They flare up in all walks of life, including sport.

Soccer reflects this reality. In regards to Real Madrid and Barcelona, the 20th century is replete of shady dealings, mysterious happenings, and even hard-fought battles on the field of play. Despite inauspicious beginnings in different parts of Spain, the two clubs have slowly grown and fused their identities to one another. You can hardly see one without thinking of the other. This book will examine how and when this occurred, offer possible explanations, and analyze the implications. It will also offer a fresh take on famous moments in both clubs’ history.

I am a Real Madrid fan, but still offer an objective analysis given my geographical and professional distance. I grew up and live in the United States, an ocean away. Also, neither club was consulted about or involved in the creation of this book. Neither club has approved of this book. Why? Because many sports books become beholden to the perks of access and privilege. I support Real Madrid, but my duty as a writer is to honestly account for and explain history. To gloss over adversarial facts would be a disservice to you, the reader, and also to my beloved club. You cannot learn from past mistakes if you only read slanted history books. I also have the utmost respect for Barcelona as a sporting club and institution.

The internet greatly facilitated my research. However, the ability to process and rapidly disseminate tidbits of information has dumped fuel on the fire of partisan Real Madrid-Barcelona debates. Many fans from both sides spew ambiguous facts and unreasonable inferences cloud the debate. The desire to win an argument soils the search for truth. This book will examine in depth many of the nebulous and confusing events surrounding the clubs. From player transfers to the role of General Franco, I do my best to lay out the relevant facts and draw plausible conclusions. Reasonable minds may disagree, but I strived to be reasonable.

Thus, this book weds a sporting encyclopedia to economic and political background. I have combed through match recaps, media reports, interviews, official websites, and books. I have unearthed a trove of eccentric and essential facts. I have also researched and included the relevant political and economic periods of Spanish and world history to explain key moments and to provide narrative. Spanning each club’s founding all the way to the end of the 20th century, this book hopefully illuminates the complex yet controlled animosity between the two great rivals.

Rivalries either narrow or sharpen our focus, depending on your perspective. They do not always make the world a worse place. Competition has allowed Real Madrid and Barcelona to push one another to dizzying heights. Passionate fans may not see the progress, though, especially if their team just lost. No matter how much silverware lines the trophy case, two questions are always asked: who won the recent clásico? And who will win the next?

Real Madrid & Barcelona – the Making of a Rivalry

Thus, as your resident prick (and soccer hipster in waiting) with a basic knowledge of Argentine soccer, allow me to analyze and ultimately applaud Pope Francis’s local club selection of San Lorenzo.

Borges is right that his querido Buenos Aires is a labyrinth. Unlike in Greek mythology, you won’t find a Minotaur if you turn a wrong corner – instead, you’ll stumble into a great Italian restaurant, a cancha de futbol cinco [five-a-side fields], or, most likely, a soccer stadium. From All Boys to Argentinos Jrs., Quilmes to Racing, and Boca to River, first-division clubs litter the city. Imagine New York city with several Yankees and a whole lot of Mets.

Still, not all clubs are created equal.Some are rich. Some are not. Some are successful. Some are not. Regardless, portenos [Buenos Aires natives] care passionately about their teams: and Pope Francis’s club selection promised to stoke flames or earn accolades. Or both. More importantly, his club pick would open a window into his soul and reign as Leader of the Roman Catholic Church.

As a bit of background, South America can be broken down generally into four sections, still largely tied to the era of criollos and viceroys before Simon Bolivar and San Martin whooped some Spanish ass. At the top of the pecking order, you have the elite criollos – fair-skinned folk of Spanish descent. For the non-aristocracy, you then have the respected but  rough-around-the-edges gauchos, the Argentine cowboys who dominated the vast and rugged pampa [farmlands]. You also the ubiquitous mestizos – folks of mixed descent, part-indigenous and part-Spanish. Lastly, some folks fled to South America to escape the law -  we can never forget the contributions of bandidos.

Thus, using this four-tiered classification scheme – criollo, gaucho, mestizo, and bandido, we look at Buenos Aires four big clubs: River Plate, Boca Jrs., Independiente, and San Lorenzo. We ask and answer – which club falls into which category.

Criollo Club: Pope Leo XI (and River Plate)

Pope Leo XI ruled the Church from 1513 to 1521 and was the last non-priest Pope. Leo and extravagance go hand-in-hand. He was the consummate criollo elitist. He loved big, pretty, shiny things and did what was necessary to buy them. His tenure is marked by the Church’s very successful fundraising strategy of indulgences – just as contemporary stadium’s sell special VIP club sections are a high price, the Church sold a spot in Heaven for the right price.

Thus, Pope Leo XI’s club would definitely be River Plate.

River’s home stadium, La Monumental, is one of the few FIFA-approved estadios in the country and is not far from the Calle Libertadores, one of the main streets plowing through Buenos Aires. The club is located in Belgrano, a pretty posh neighborhood of Buenos Aires. Their original name at the time of founding? Millonarios. Yes, millionaires. The club and Leo XI are a Pope-match made in heaven.

Mestizo Club: Pope John Paul II (and Boca Jrs)

John Paul II – total rock star. In Spanish, his chant Juan Pablo, segundo, te ama todo el mundo [John Paul, the second, the entire world loves you] resonated at appearances and captured the flock’s love for its earthly shepherd. What Argentine club could dare to boast itself as the most popular? Probably Boca Jrs.

The xeneizes have enjoyed trophy-laden spells during the 1960′s, the 1970′s, and most recently in the late 1990′s and early 2000′s with Carlos Bianchi at the helm. In 2006, a study showed that 40% of Argentine soccer fans followed Boca. John Paul may not have had that high an approval with church-going Catholics during his reign, but he was close. He’d definitely don the blue-and-yellow kit if he was still around.

Gaucho Club: Pope Francis (and San Lorenzo)

At this early stage of his Papacy, Francis has taken great pains to show he’s not just in it for the posh Vatican digs. For example, he’s staying in a pair of rooms rather than Pope Benedict’s upscale apartment. He’s washed female prisoners’ feet. Still, his “liberation theology” has rugged some of the conservative segments of the Church the wrong way. The Pope has even ditched the bodyguards and fly bullet-proof rides to be closer to the people.

He’s not snobby enough to wear the red of River. Boca Jrs. is too popular and successful to draw his eye. Thus, it had to be….

San Lorenzo de Almagro. The club has won a respectable 14 national league titles, but forever endeared itself to the Argentine club in the 1960′s with a team known as the carasucias [Dirty Faces]. Why the nickname? Well, the team played a gung-ho brand of football with lots of attacking intent, but very little defense. And they were just as reckless off the pitch, with a few players getting into bloody-faced brawls at select night haunts.

Most importantly, if Pope Francis wants the Church to reorganize while becoming the home of the poor, then San Lorenzo in the 1980′s is the perfect example. Mismanagement forced the club to sell its stadium and even saw the team relegated, but they won promotion in 1982 and haven’t looked back since. Now that’s liberation!

Bandido Club: Pope Urban VI (and Independiente)

Some Popes are just edgier than others. They walk on the wild side. They flirt with danger. Pope Urban VI kinda disregarded the whole “be compassion” teachings of Christ. Instead, during his reign, he played favorites and when he found out about some Cardinal scheming, he ordered the torture and ultimately assassination of his adversaries. That’s right – Pope Urban XI was the Ghostface Killah of the late 1300′s.

His club of choice would be fallen-from-grace Independiente.

Believe it or not, Independiente was once King of the Argentine Hill. The diablos rojos. They still hold the record for most South American championships by an single club, but won most of their crowns in the 1970′s. And today? The fans have attacked their own team’s bus, the head of the barra brava has been shot, and molotov cocktails have been seen flying about. If Pope Urban were alive today, he would smell the blood a mile away like a true shark and want a piece of the action.

In conclusion, did Pope Francis turn a blind eye during the 70′s while the dictatorship murdered fellow Catholic priests? Who knows. The important thing, Pope Innocent or not, is his impeccable taste in Argentine first-division football clubs.

Editor’s note: Racing was not included to spite my friends who are Racing fans. Many consider them one of Buenos Aires’ “Big Five.”

Chicharito Hernandez blew United fans away two years ago with his consistent finishing. Since then, cracks in his game have surfaced. When not served on a platter, he seldom eats. Other forwards, though, do not depend so heavily on service. Rather, their talents go beyond the mundane. They soar in a world where midfielders are accessories and any “service” will do. Zlatan Ibrahimovic comes to mind. However, the lurking Swede is more battering ram than ballerina, more brute force than grace.

I prefer forwards that walk on air. And that’s why Robin Van Persie has blown me away.

In a material sense, we could drool over Van Persie’s stats. Before the season’s end (as of right now), 24 goals is a very handsome tally. However, stats can’t even begin to tell 1/100th of the story. A goal is the goal of soccer, but not all goals are equal. Nor are all goalscorers. Aside from bulging the onion bag, I’m most impressed by Van Persie’s existential contribution to the team. His brilliance lays in a place beyond knowledge, beyond truth. Van Persie is the Genesis and he is the Revelation.

A few observations. Patrice Evra is not young. Nor is Ryan Giggs. Neither of them dart to the end-line to whip in crosses like yesteryear. With Van Persie, they don’t have to. In fact, they don’t have to deliver a decent cross. Van Persie’s very presence litters the opposing box with gunpowder. If the ball is good enough to afford him a single touch, the spark and resulting explosion will blow the roof off the net.

Why do I write that so confidently? Because in several games for United, he has displayed the rare Bergkampian ability to seemingly create something from nothing. Some forwards rely on pace. Others depend on height. A few depend on cunning. Van Persie relies on being Van Persie. Against Aston Villa, his first goal was a basic tap-in. His second goal, however, was a left-footed volley to make Zizou applaud. 99% of players would have taken two touches and probably bottled the shot. 99% of players are not Van Persie.

It was not a “goal scorer’s goal.” It was divine inspiration, intervention, or damnation, depending on your religious and sporting affiliations.

How does he do it? Van Persie is a forward who operates in four dimensions, not just three. When playing, if you squint, you can actually see him bend the space-time continuum of the field like a bowling ball on a mattress. The ball gravitates towards him, as do teammates.The field does not tilt, but rather converts into a funnel with Van Persie at the center-bottom. Minutes tick off the clock, but everybody knows what happens anytime a ball enters a funnel: it eventually lands at Robin’s feet(and then the back of the net).

Yes, he may experience a cold streak from time to time. Yes, he’s been injured a few times, especially early in his career. And yes, he’s missed a few sitters. However, when you’re capable of brilliance, a wide open net seems so rudimentary. It’s like asking Einstein to calculate the tip for lunch.

After scoring, he pumps the fist in true Alan Shearer fashion, but the comparisons end there. Shearer was a forward who reveled in his humanity. “Anybody could be Alan Shearer,” we comfortably muttered to ourselves.”If we just worked hard enough.” I hate to be a dick, but….you will never be Robin Van Persie. In fact, you shouldn’t even try. If you attempted his second goal against Villa, you’d a) break a metatarsal, b) tear your acl, c) make a fool of yourself, or d) all of the above.

Despite playing professionally in a man’s game, Van Persie’s most charming quality is the childish twinkle in his eye after each and every goal. On his face, you’ll see a look of delight, of surprise, or bewilderment. Like a child tumbling down the stairs on Christmas morning, he darts to the corner flag. Teammates follow and embrace him as they should. No opposing players could lay a finger on him if they wanted.

Elliott’s second book, Real Madrid & Barcelona: the Making of a Rivalry, comes out next Monday! More details here.

But isn’t this all a bit too trite, too simple, and premature?

Bayern, of course, have enjoyed a wonderful season and played a fantastic game vs. Barcelona. After every Barca win, fans gush about “possession statistics” and “passes completed.” Truth be told, Barca enjoyed 66% possession in the loss to Munich. Cue the “possession is meaningless” boo birds. Statisticians morphed their logic. Xavi completed a dizzying amount of passes, yes, but how many of them were “key passes“?

Given the dominance of possession, it’s odd how many cules have tried to blame the loss on Xavi and Andres Iniesta. In reality, Messi looked injured and/or unfit, Alexis Sanchez has never lived up to expectations, and Pedro is the classic “Steve Kerr” – a player who buries wide open shots while more talented teammates are double-teamed. Could you imagine Kerr carrying the Bulls to the promised land without Jordan? No. Add to that impotent trident an aging and out-of-form David Villa, and how much penetration can you expect?

Still, the sky is not falling. At least not on Iberia at large. Bayern’s dominance owes in large part to Javi Martinez, a shrewd (albeit controversially surreptitious) acquisition from Athletic Bilbao. Chelsea’s scintillating run to the Champions League promised land last year owed a lot to Didier Drogba heroics, but Juan Mata also played a key role. As Xavi and Iniesta (and Xabi Alonso) grow gray up top, excellent replacements are cutting their teeth. At least for Spain.

Also, Bayern has been here before. Everybody talks up the “Champions League finalist” stat, but neglect to mention….is runner-up really such a big deal? They lost to Inter. They lost to Chelsea. If anything, those games show a blueprint for beating Bayern – let them have the ball and try to counter. In that sense, an aging and injured Barca side was destined to fail  – possession is what the cules need, but not what works vs. Munich.

So, yes, perhaps 2011 was the peak of the current Catalan roster (just like 2006 for Dinho, Etoo and Deco), but don’t jump on the German bandwagon just yet. And don’t get all sappy watching Barca’s Youtube highlights from yesteryear.

VIDEO CREDIT: ABC