The State of Kentucky is more sensitive to Disability Rights than Barry Petchesky of Deadspin

Brazil is kinda a shining light for advocates of the section of the community who have different abilities, referred to as “consumers” in the United States of America. (“Disabled” in regular person speak). Why? Because Brazil requires 1% of all stadiums to have accessible seating at a discount. Contrary to common belief, folks with different abilities still enjoy watching concerts and going to stadiums. Just because you were born with different abilities, such as, say, a mobility impairment, that doesn’t mean you cease to be a fan.

It also doesn’t mean you are a quadriplegic veteran of a World War who heroically lost all use of every limb after throwing himself onto a grenade to protect comrades and a nearby orphanage. It just means you have trouble walking for certain distances. But don’t try telling that to Deadspin. Continue reading “The State of Kentucky is more sensitive to Disability Rights than Barry Petchesky of Deadspin” »

Tactics Talk: Hodgson’s Overreaction Edition

I always love it when one of the top UK soccer writers turns his or her attention to the US national team. Why? Because their often unbiased and well-trained eye will point out obvious, painful truths and occasionally reasons for optimism. One of the best things we forget as US fans about US players and the US team is we give a good effort for the full 90 minutes. Coaches often complain that certain players from South American countries that will zoom in and out of games mentally, or turn off completely on defense or at the 60 minute mark. Not Yanks. Be proud.

Thus, I’ve decided to return the favor by looking at the English team as objectively as possible. Continue reading “Tactics Talk: Hodgson’s Overreaction Edition” »

Hungover Dispatches from Brazil: Rio Edition

Futfanatico regrets to inform you that, with out modest budget, we were only able to send two correspondents to Brazil for this World Cup. The really smart and educated one totally flaked on us. No response to emails. No phone calls. Nada. Unfortunately, the other one, who we later found out made up most of his references (he even admitted to impersonating one over the phone), sent us this. We have edited it best we can, but, alas, you can only mold a pile of shit into a different shaped pile of shit. Enjoy as best you can. This may be a series. We will be running some guest posts from Tahir Duckett, the handsomer, more athletic, and older brother of Bilal Duckett (of the NE Revs), but purely as a guest writer capacity.

I.

“On assignment.” Is there a sweeter phrase in the entire English language? Getting paid to work to really go on vacation and all I have to do is type some words. Fucking sweet. Oh, I forgot – nice to meet you. I am “GonzoBra”, the correspondent for this tight-fisted soccer site known as Futfanatico. I’ll be slamm’in some keyboards for y’all from Brazil throughout the World Cup, but I do have to issue a disclaimer: this shit is gonna be edited. In fact, this introductory paragraph was entirely redone three times. Here’s a break down of my opening lines that were excised: FIRST: The Bro has landed in Brazil, land of [OMITTED], [OMITTED], and brews. SECOND: The Bro has landed in Brazil, land of [OMITTED], [OMITTED], and brews.

So my editor is kindof an old fucktard who read the first paragraph and said: no misogyny. I was all, there’s none of that in here. Then I Googled the word “misogyny” and realized I’d confused it with “masochism.” Whoops. Then, despite checking out a few definitions, I was still a bit perplexed. I didn’t see how any of the first draft was masogynistic. He basically laid it down: no objectification of women. At first, I thought – why the fuck is anybody going to read this if there’s none of that? But, alas, bros got me by the balls. I need somebody to sign off on these per diems and expenses.

But, like, yeah, my proper introduction: I am GonzoBra. What kind of bullshit name is that? Well, I was told to use a pseudonym because, as you’ll see, I maybe kinda get into some legal problems from time-to-time. I came up with this name because, like, 90% of my bros call me “bra” and my editor told me to read up on some Hunter S. Thompson. He sent me paper books (dinosaur) and even some photocopies of old Rolling Stone (ancient) magazine articles. I chuckled to myself, seeing as I know about copyright laws – who’s Mr. barely legal now, Mr. Anal Editor?

So, short story long but now short again, I didn’t have time to read all that shit. I just Googled Hunter S. Thompson and saw that he did some drugs, stalked some loser politicians, went on an epic mancation to Vegas, and did some more drugs. He also wrote things pretty last minute – a man after my own heart. Thus, I came up with Gonzo not from the name “Gonzalo”, but from the name for the school of “I was there” journalism arguably perfected by Hunter. The “bra” also can mean “Brazil.” Based on my two weeks in Portugal while an undergrad, you say “Brazil” like BRA-Zeal. More on that later. Welcome aboard. Continue reading “Hungover Dispatches from Brazil: Rio Edition” »

Top Ten World Cup Topics That Need To Be Written About

With so many smart and funny people writing about the World Cup, you’d think there’d be no stone left unturned. Sadly, though, my brief glimpse at the internet, using the latest in AskJeeves, Lycos, and AltaVista search engine technology, found some gaping holes. There are so many interesting topics that have yet to be written about that they are too countless to name (at least all of them). These are topics that cry out for David Brooks to write 500 words about. Yet, for now, we only hear silence and read nothing.

Thus, I’ve sorted, prioritized, and compiled a list of the ten topics which we need some savvy columnist to write about. Don’t be afraid,dear potential writer – I know this is totally uncharted waters, but we’ve got your back. Please, please write these articles! Continue reading “Top Ten World Cup Topics That Need To Be Written About” »

The Awesome World Cup Preview that Does Not Preview the World Cup & Instead Looks at Transgender Athletes

World Cup! Party! Protest! Oh, wait. While the world spins its wheels on injuries, tactics, previews, and groups of death – one particular group lingers in the shadows, both of society and sport. I refer to transgendered individuals. I know that everybody with a modicum of intelligence already dislikes FIFA, but, hey, why not kick a horse while it’s down?

Basically, I looked at FIFA’s regulations and practices in regards to gender, trying to see just how things work for the transgender community. It was not pretty. Continue reading “The Awesome World Cup Preview that Does Not Preview the World Cup & Instead Looks at Transgender Athletes” »

Wall Street Journal Seriously Lowers the Bar for Soccer “Coverage”

Just when you think the trite “Soccer sucks” narrative in the US media has turned into “MLS sucks”, the Wall Street Journal lowers the bar even further. Jonathan Clegg, an Englishman, has decided that new soccer fans “are welcome”, but he derives the “soccer obsessives.” Or, rather, American soccer obsessives.

I’ll just be taking a quick look at his thesis and what’s wrong with it. Namely, everything. Continue reading “Wall Street Journal Seriously Lowers the Bar for Soccer “Coverage”” »

Slightly Outdated and Esoteric South American Soccer FactCheck

Being a fan of soccer requires a healthy knowledge of geography. Unless you are Fox Soccer Argentina. In March, the Copa Libertadores, the South American equivalent of the Champions League, was in full swing. San Lorenzo of Argentina traveled to Ecuador to play Independiente del Valle. Afterwards, some San Lorenzo players got angry and trashed the dressing room. I know, a total shocker – violence in South American soccer.  Jamas!

Things, though, were much more interesting online, where Fox Soccer had seriously trouble locating the Estadio Atahualpa. Continue reading “Slightly Outdated and Esoteric South American Soccer FactCheck” »

An Open Letter to Potential World Cup Brand Partnerships

It’s this weird thing about writing regularly about soccer and/or operating a website: every four years, my email inbox gets flooded with countless offers to synergize brands by mutually adding value and enhancing identity. Did you just understand the second half of that sentence?

I didn’t. But, I’m happy to say, I am totally 100% game to do whatever this summer. Continue reading “An Open Letter to Potential World Cup Brand Partnerships” »

A Linguistic Guide to the World Cup

Speaking English and Spanish, I’m a bit spoiled. At least in terms of international travel. English is basically the “Lingua Franca” of our era, so almost every country has people that speak it. Also, Spanish can help you navigate two continents plus the Iberian peninsula. Still, not all are so fortunate. Thus, I compiled this easy reference foreign language guide for the World Cup.

In sum, I looked at the languages spoken by each team that qualified. I then broke down those languages and what you need to know about them. My goal was to create something useful to fans traveling to the tournament and hoping to mingle. I failed, but had fun doing it. Enjoy. Continue reading “A Linguistic Guide to the World Cup” »