QUIZ – What Kind of Soulless, Bandwagoning European Soccer Fan Are You?

The bright lights at Old Trafford. The cramped, noisy box that is Stamford Bridge. The vibrating vibrancy of the Bernabeu. The vertigo-inducing steepness of the Camp Nou. You know nothing about any of these places. You’ve never been to them. The closest you’ve come was a week-long school trip in high school to Spain where the autobus had to stop every half hour because paella gave your classmates the shits.

Luckily, though, Maxi Rodriguez of the delightful Futbol Intellect has created a quiz to help you feel better about yourself by putting other similar, miserable souls down even a notch further. Due to WordPress plugin problems, you have to take this quiz by hand. Pull out a pen, a piece of paper, and tally your answers. You wont’ be too disappointed. Continue reading “QUIZ – What Kind of Soulless, Bandwagoning European Soccer Fan Are You?” »

Top 10 Reasons David Moyes Will Be United’s Greatest Ever Manager

David Moyes. Surprisingly, he is not loved by all. After a narrow 3-0 loss to Manchester City on the back of a nail-biting defeat by Liverpool, some fans have dared to question his authority and acumen. In fact, the Telegraph listed 31 reasons he had to go.

Luckily, we have ten cold-hard facts as to why Moyes will soon lead United to greatness. Continue reading “Top 10 Reasons David Moyes Will Be United’s Greatest Ever Manager” »

Top Ten Reasons Soccer Hipsters Have Abandoned Borussia Dortmund

Ahh, the soccer hipster. Is there a more fickle sports fan? For years, they flocked to support Borussia Dortmund, the team that won the Bundesliga a few years, reached the Champions League final, and embraced their fedora-wearing ways.

But no more. The soccer hipsters have slowly trickled away from the Westfallenstadion. We were able to track a few down and ask why. Here are their reasons: Continue reading “Top Ten Reasons Soccer Hipsters Have Abandoned Borussia Dortmund” »

Top 20 Pictures of Selfish Daniel Sturridge Celebrating Immediately After Being Selfish

Selflessness. Civility. Respect for others. These are the foundations of any civilized society. Yet one player flaunts this code. He brazenly disregards societal norms. Instead of sharing the football, he shoots it. Instead of humbly apologizing to opponents for ruining their day and perhaps harming their net, he celebrates.

This monster, of course, is selfish Englishman Daniel Sturridge. Continue reading “Top 20 Pictures of Selfish Daniel Sturridge Celebrating Immediately After Being Selfish” »

SPONSORED: The Official 5 Leather Briefcases Used By FIFA For All “Business Matters”

International wire transfers. Aren’t they just so…cumbersome, what with the government monitoring? That’s how Jack Warner got popped by the UK press. But what’s a cool at to do? Paypal used to be decent but wimped out, Bitcoin is too unstable, so, alas, what’s the best way to transfer money? Cash in a briefcase. The tried-and-true classic. But not just any briefcase.

These special briefcases include engraved inspirational quotes. Continue reading “SPONSORED: The Official 5 Leather Briefcases Used By FIFA For All “Business Matters”” »

Top 9 Pictures of Footballers and Helicopters

Helicopters, they’re not just for transporting manufactured homes anymore. They can also do other important tasks, like carrying soldiers to kill people, carrying bombs to drop and kill people, and transporting foreign aid to people who will be killed by errant drone strikes weeks later.

More importantly (Ahem, MOST IMPORTANT), helicopters sometimes transport soccer star players. Here are some highlights. Continue reading “Top 9 Pictures of Footballers and Helicopters” »

Top 15 Pictures of Arjen Robben Losing His Lifelong Battle with Gravity

Gravity always wins. Still, if the theory of relatively is true, then shouldn’t gravity not be the same for everyone? If you watched European soccer, then you’ll also have noticed this. Some players just really struggle to fight with gravity. It’s as if they’re being picked on.

And this is especially true for Bayern Munich winger Arjen Robben. Continue reading “Top 15 Pictures of Arjen Robben Losing His Lifelong Battle with Gravity” »

Top Ten Tom Clancy and Robert Ludlum Novel Titles that Describe the Outline of James Milner’s Member

Tom Clancy. Robert Ludlum. The master wordsmiths. The Shakespeares of our day. The literary giants. Yet, while reading one of their deeply profound treatises on the human condition, I noticed something odd: the titles eerily resemble if not mirror the outline of James Milner’s member while wearing white shorts. Granted, the works of these artists can be ascribed to all of humanity, ergo they can describe the state of Milner’s trouser snake.

Yet, seriously, some titles just go too well with a certain someone’s pocket sausage. Continue reading “Top Ten Tom Clancy and Robert Ludlum Novel Titles that Describe the Outline of James Milner’s Member” »

Top 10 Pictures of James Milner Embracing His Role on the Bench

Benches. Nobody likes them. They are hard. They offer scant back support. Yet, often, professional soccer players must sit on them. Most refuse. However, one English talisman, James Milner, has dutifully rode the pine for Manchester City and elsewhere.

Here are the best images of St. James warming the bench until, say, the 80th minute. Continue reading “Top 10 Pictures of James Milner Embracing His Role on the Bench” »