Tag Archives: A Lie

The Glazers’ Shortlived Search for a Sir Alex Replacement

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Sir Alex Ferguson announced his retirement last Wednesday. Tears were shed. Thank you’s exchanged. Pleasantries spoken. The world held its breath for a grand total of 24 hours before United announced their next manager: fellow Scot David Moyes, of Everton.

However, what wasn’t announced was United’s frantic search to find a replacement. We have uncovered a transcript of the rushed transatlantic conference call between owners Malcolm Glazer, Joel Glazer, and United Chief Executive David Gill. Continue reading “The Glazers’ Shortlived Search for a Sir Alex Replacement” »

Manchester United’s 20th Premiership Title & Banter of the Bile Variety

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James: Hello, this is James and John again reporting but this time from Old Trafford, where a mouthwatering match awaits us.

John: James, the story of the day is obviously not United’s potential record 20th Premiership crown or Aston Villa’s fight against relegation, but rather whether, if United win this game and the title, will Sir Alex Ferguson then name Robin Van Persie to play in next week’s game vs. Arsenal at the Emirates and indulge in a ring of honor at Arsene’s expense?
Continue reading “Manchester United’s 20th Premiership Title & Banter of the Bile Variety” »

Champions League Semi-Finals Preview: Real Madrid v. Team and Barcelona v. Other Team

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The universe demands, dare I say, cries out for another clasico. However, UEFA is a tease – rather than repeating a Spanish Champions League semi-final from two years ago, a few German speed bumps have emerged. As in, Barcelona and Real Madrid will not face one another. Rather, they will face German teams. Fans of Real Madrid and Barcelona are terrified. Uncertainty plagues the proceedings. Both teams are so used to playing one another that playing a club who is not your bitter and eternal rival feels like a letdown.

What can Real Madrid & Barcelona fans expect in the two semi-finals? Let’s start with the fundamentals. We do know that Real Madrid and Barcelona have played a boatload of clasicos in the last few years. Using this trove of data and negative inferences, we now present a very special preview of the upcoming games. Continue reading “Champions League Semi-Finals Preview: Real Madrid v. Team and Barcelona v. Other Team” »

A Note to Futfanatico Shareholders, Business Partners, and Customers

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Dear Shareholders,.

It’s that time of the year again: deals season. Something about Spring turns a young man’s fancy into a merger & acquisition. Two years ago, the Puffington Host attempted a hostile takeover of this fine media company. Last year, we attempted a strategic partnership with For Profit college FutSail Onlne University. Neither worked out. And this year? With the NYSE near record highs and many private companies going public (and vice versa), one would expect a similar deal. However, the current US presidential administration has created a maze of regulatory uncertainty.

Thus, the only deal we can count on is a raw deal for business partners and customers. Here’s why.

Continue reading “A Note to Futfanatico Shareholders, Business Partners, and Customers” »

An Open Letter Praising the Premier League

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Dear Premier League,

As an American, I am proud of many aspects of my country. Freedom. Liberty. These are the overused and hollow terms used by others to explain why we swell with pride at the sound of the Star Spangled Banner. However, I have a much clearer view. I know exactly why I love my country. Unpaid labor. Inefficient management. Arcane rules.

Yes, I am proud of my country because of the NCAA. Nothing makes more sense than forcing talented 18 year old men and women to perform labor for free, as opposed to wages. The best part of this situation is that you then can selectively enforce the ban on under-the-table payments, and a bureaucracy is born!

And that’s why I am writing this letter – to praise the EPPP. I expect similar success. Continue reading “An Open Letter Praising the Premier League” »

The Defense(s) of Eden Hazard

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In case you withdrew from the world last week, Eden Hazard stomped on a ball boy during a game. He was duly shown a red card, sent off, and then twitter melted. However, lost in all the “holier than thou op-ed blog posts,” a glimpse of the greatness of humanity filtered through the smog. I speak, of course, of teamwork. Hazard’s gaffe served to catalyze his under-performing teammates into action: they may not properly defender corner kicks, but they united to form a solid wall of blue and defend Eden.

The team unity. The bonds of humanity. It’s a beautiful sight. It’s a warm fuzzy feeling. When asked why they defend Eden, some of his mates had quirky answers. Here are the highlights. Enjoy. Continue reading “The Defense(s) of Eden Hazard” »

Real Madrid Proudly Presents….the Marca Mentiras Portada!

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Dear Soci@s,

Today is an exciting day for Real Madrid. As you know, a few days ago, Spanish sports daily Marca published an utter lie of a story: that team captains Sergio Ramos and Iker Casillas demanded the club fire Jose Mourinho. Both have issued official statements. Also, the club is considering legal action. However, news travels at light speed, while lawsuits move at the pace of an especially lethargic snail.

Thus, we proudly announce an alternative solution: the Marca Mentiras Portada! Continue reading “Real Madrid Proudly Presents….the Marca Mentiras Portada!” »

Explanations for Cristiano Ronaldo’s Grouch Face at the Balon d’Oro

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Cristiano Ronaldo is your favorite villain. Admit it. If Messi is the no-talking, smooth-walking midget that scores goals, wins trophies, and wins over your heart, then Cristiano Ronaldo is the pompous peacock who begs for your eyeballs while turning your stomach. Ronaldo needs to win games and needs your love, while Messi just seems like some precociously talented dude who wishes the world would leave him the fuck alone. How can you not love somebody who doesn’t need your love?

Still, folks latch onto Ronaldo’s every move and exaggerate. For example, at the recent Ballon d’Oro awards, Leo Messi won and Ronaldo lost. Sky Sports caught a pic of Ronaldo’s face. It was not pretty. However, nobody can read Ronaldo’s mind. We don’t know exactly why his face shrunk into a wrinkly and petulant frown. Instead of jealousy, other explanations abound.

Here they are. Continue reading “Explanations for Cristiano Ronaldo’s Grouch Face at the Balon d’Oro” »

One World Futbol, One Word: Profit

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MBA Baracus has been on a hot streak. Shortly after encouraging you to buy shares of Spanish-club Real Oviedo, the world’s richest man, Carlos “Gordito” Slim, invested heavily in the team. Thus, all earlier shareholders went from fearing bankruptcy to sitting pretty. Inevitably, folks want to know – what is the next scrapyard investment recommended by the ruckus-causing Baracus? Here goes. 

Have you heard about the indestructible soccer ball? If not, watch the above video. Or, click here. Now, the background and the forecast. Continue reading “One World Futbol, One Word: Profit” »

Diversifying Your Investment Portfolio: Real Oviedo >>> BUY

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Barack Obama has won the Presidency. Thus, the tax-reduced dividend gravy train of the last decade is coming to an end. You, the savvy investor, face a brave new world of returns, but not in the blue chips. Rather, you must embrace risk. You must seek dangerous but possibly profitable returns in overlooked businesses and even depressed markets. Where are you right now? Cash. CDs. DVDs. Muni bonds. James Bonds. Saving Accounts. Count Draculas. Nobody really understands all those financial terms, not even your broker. Your retirement plan is a joke, a relic from 2010 like Hipster Runoff or the Tea Party. The fact your financial adviser is called a “broke-r” is worrisome.

Still, there remains hope. Allow me to impart some financial wisdom on you. By coincidence, a fantastic bargain has come up in the world of soccer. Continue reading “Diversifying Your Investment Portfolio: Real Oviedo >>> BUY” »