I know that I blog about MLS infrequently. Yes, I do MLS Cup reflections. I also did an MLS Manifesto way back in the day. I also poke fun at the MLS website when appropriate. But the MLS labor dispute a few years ago pointed me in an odd direction: the NHL. Basically, I feared a crippling stoppage that would kill the league’s momentum. In terms of Southeast expansion, the NHL offers some pointed lessons.

In the mid-90′s, the NHL got ambitious and relocated the Hartford Whalers to Carolina and they became the Hurricanes. The league also awarded expansion teams throughout the Southeast: in Tampa Bay, the Lightning, in Miami, the Panthers, and in Nashville, the Predators. Now, over a decade later, we can reflect upon this move. Was it good?

Well, if you believe in a divine geographic sense of justice, then yes. Professional hockey exists in states with sweltering hot summers and SEC football teams. In terms of practicality, though, the Southeast Division still has never fully gulped up all of these teams. Sporting-wise, most of the teams have enjoyed some success. The Lightning have won a Stanley Cup, so have the Hurricanes. The Panthers had an electric playoff run behind a goalie known as “the Beezer.” The Predators have been consistently above average, and their fans throw catfish onto the ice – definitely one of the better fan traditions. Thus, the Southeast NHL markets cannot complain they got stuck with can’t-compete franchises.

Sadly, the finances do not mirror the results on the ice. The Atlanta Thrashers no longer exist – they relocated to Winnipeg. The Predators allegedly operate at a $20 million a year loss, but that was asserted during negotiations and may be overblown. However, the other Preds owner is in a federal jail for fraud. D’oh! The Tampa Bay Lightning operate at a loss, while the Carolina Hurricanes struggled for years to find a second owner – and finally settled on about 10 new co-owners. Ahem. We could squabble over details, but the bottom line is that the dollars & cents do not equal profit or ideal ownership situations.

The best argument in defense of Southeast NHL expansion has nothing to do with franchise financial success. Rather, it is youth participation – some have argued that the presence of NHL teams coincided with spikes in hockey participation at the youth and adult level. Of course, correlation does not meet causation, and cause and effect may be reversed. Regardless, conceptually it makes sense that young kids see a pro slap a puck and try to do the same.

Let’s take both the financial hit and the spike in youth participation as facts – should MLS follow the same beaten but uncertain path? The MLS already tried two Southeast franchises: the Tampa Bay Mutiny and Miami Fusion. Both lasted less than five years. Many folks point to recent MLS success in Seattle and Portland as a case for expansion – MLS should build on established fan bases from the NASL era. However, if that were the case, then the MLS’ Miami Fusion, based in Ft. Lauderdale, should have succeeded – they followed the footsteps of the popular NASL Ft. Lauderdale Strikers.

Of course, we can always look at the Strikers’ history with tinted glasses – they did change names & owners & leagues & South Florida locations several times over. In terms of other candidates, Orlando only recently welcomed a lower division side (the former Austin Aztex). The Atlanta Silverbacks have existed for almost two decades, a good sign, and the NASL Atlanta Chiefs did play in ATL for five glorious years. Atlanta area youth leagues have produced two pros: Bilal Ducket and Ricardo Clark. Interest does exist. Still, if the Thrashers couldn’t poach sports fans from Braves, Falcons, & SEC games, then I’m not sure soccer is ready to make the jump.

Unless, of course, the league is willing to take a big risk. Right now, MLS is on the most solid financial footing of its life. Southeastern expansion would entail major costs and probably only offer long-term financial benefits. NASL historians fear that the MLS may feast on new franchise fees and create a cycle of expansion or death. Would the Southeast be a starting point to destruction or expansion? The MLS wisely avoided a league stoppage, unlike the NHL. Can they also learn from the NHL’s other (alleged) mistake?

However, some businesses practices draw criticism but deserve a closer look for two reasons. First, these practices show that sometimes a “loan” can be superior to equity from a business perspective. Second, and more importantly, these practices highlight perhaps the greatest structural conundrum of our time: how tax rates and corporate law have joined to favor debt over ownership.

The first and sometimes critiqued practice is that an owner will loan a sum of money to a club, rather than just pump cash directly into the coffers. On the club’s balance sheets, this loan shows up as a liability, not equity. Of course, if the majority owner of your club aka “sugar daddy” is the person that floats you cash at a reasonable interest rate, then you wouldn’t be as worried as, say, taking out a loan from the Royal Bank of Scotland to make payroll. Having a creditor with an emotional investment in your club can be a plus. Also, numerous potential tax consequences may make a loan superior to outright equity, depending on the structure of the club and the investment.

Here’s an example. Mike owns 95% (95 shares) of the 100 shares of Oldcastle United. Oldcastle United is a privately held company that is not publicly traded. We’ll also assume that there are 5 other shareholders that each own 1% (1 share) of Oldcastle United. Mike really wants to pour $100 million dollars into Oldcastle United, so that this summer they can buy Fernando Torres, Andy Carroll, and David Luiz.

The first option is that Oldcastle United can issue new shares of stock and Mike can then buy those shares. Assume Oldcastle will issue 100 shares valued at $1 million dollars in total. Also assume Mike is able to fend off other investors and buy the 100 shares (or they are preferred shares only sold to existing shareholders). In the UK, Mike now has to pay a Stamp Duty Reserve Tax of 0.5 percent of what he paid. Thus, at the end of the year, Mike has to pay the tax man $5,000 dollars. This seems like a pretty quaint sum. However, the real world of football involves bigger figures.

For example, in 2007, Mike Ashley eventually bought all the available shares for Newcastle and fully owned the club for a total of 135 million pounds. His end of the year Stamp Duty Reserve Tax was 675,000 pounds. This figure is certainly not jaw-dropping, but pretty close to the annual wage for a decent player. Also, the timing of this tax is poor – the new, club-0wning sugar daddy (or mommy) has to pony up serious cash at the same time he or she is most excited about the club. Total buzzkill.

Potential investors also may accrue capital gains tax liability in a few years if the stocks they purchase increase in value. For a high worth individual, in the UK this can mean a rate of 28%. For example, if Mike bought Newcastle for 140 million pounds and then sells it for 300 million pounds, then he would end up paying 28% that year for the 160 million pounds his shares gained in value. This adds up to 44.8 million pounds in taxes. That is more than Newcastle sold Andy Carroll for. This would be a disincentive for an owner who already has shares to try and get even more shares (unless they wanted to really water down the stock).

Tax consequences also would preclude an owner like Mike from the second option: simply plopping a lot of new cash into the company. Yes, the new cash would raise the value of his shares, a plus, but also raise his capital gains liability if he ever sold his stock a few years down the line. Plus, Newcastle would have to pay taxes that year on all profits, so that cash would be taxed in part immediately against Newcastle. The UK corporate rate is around 20%. Thus, the tax system creates a disincentive for an owner to simply inject cash into their business. The business must pay tax on profits at the end of the year, and the owner may pay a large chunk if he or she leaves.

So, you own a club and want to invest even more money into it. What do you do? Loans are an option. Yes, they do create a liability that reflects poorly on the club’s balance sheet. However, tax incentives favor this option as compared to others. The tax rate for an interest free loan is around 2.5% in the UK. In case you need a refresher on math, 2.5% is less than 20%. A lot less.

Here’s a hypothetical. Mike pops 10 million pounds in Newcastle for last year. The club goes from a loss of 3.7 million pounds to a profit of 5.3 million pounds. At 20%, the tax man now walks away with 1.06 million pounds. That’s easily the annual salary of a decent player. And how much would the loan cost in taxes? Well, 2.5% of 10 million pounds is 250,000 pounds.  If you were Newcastle, what is better – a 1.06 million pound tax bill or a 250,000 pound tax bill? Neither is great, but one is four times as large.

An alternative approach would be to only inject enough cash to cover debts, so that the club never runs an operating profit and corporate taxes don’t apply. For example: the Newcastle owner could only invests 3.7 million pounds. Thus, Newcastle would not pay any corporate profits (Marcotti). This situation is ideal from the clubs’ perspective, but many owners also have other businesses and use net operating losses on clubs as tax deductions for their other profitable businesses. In this sense, our corporate and tax structures can drive a wedge and also create a disincentive for owners to ever get a club out of debt. (Elliott)

Owners can also sweeten the pot by floating an interest free loan to their club. Creditors have the right to set their own interest rate. Mike has done this at Newcastle. Thus, a club can avoid a huge tax hike and also get a loan that is at an interest rate below inflation (5% normally). Many speculate that club owners concoct structures to put themselves first and clubs second, but our tax structures & related incentives can’t be underestimated. We raise a stink about equity, but we don’t have to pay the tax bill at the end of the year.

The double-edged sword is that the club owner can also forgive the debt, just as any creditor can. Thus, this interest-free loan could be converted into de facto income for a fraction of the tax consequences. Of course, on the other hand, if the interests of the owner and club cease to align, then that debt can become a sticking point. Depending on the agreement, the interest rate may go up. The owner, as a creditor, also holds leverage over the club that he wouldn’t if he had just pumped in some cash.

Bored yet? Me too. Anytime somebody says the acronym EBITDA I think of a sweet raspberry beer brewed in New Orleans. Here’s the good part:

Everybody complains about the debt at football clubs. Supporters form trusts. A club falls into administration and everybody can’t wait to sift through the dirt, i.e., tax returns, accounting reports. On the plus side, debt can force prudent clubs to examine & maybe change questionable business practices: ratio of wages paid to overall earnings, weird payments in asset acquisition (transfers), etc. However, we tend to miss the bigger picture: we’ve created political and taxation structures that invite debt. Why? Well, a cynic would argue that banks like debt and thus pay lobbyists to preserve the status quo. An optimist would point out that debt engenders risk, and we must take risks to succeed.

Both explanations carry some weight. Regardless, the system as is currently favors debt. We can always play pin the tail of the donkey and complain about X owner or Y club for their debt problems. However, each person only has one vote. We’ve elected the power-wielders that write the laws and the tax code. A club can’t vote. An owner can only vote once. The law is neither objective nor static – it can be changed. Until these systems are altered, expect football clubs to carry debt. And expect owners to float their beloved clubs some interest free cash from time to time. Wouldn’t you?

Please, if you are a corporate or tax attorney with some more detailed insight, contribute and correct me in the comments! This is a basic explanation for general interest readers by a guy who owns a WP blog and once stayed at a Holiday Inn.

(H/T to Marcotti & David Conn for 140 characters of fiery debate)

Elliott’s eBook, An Illustrated Guide to Soccer & Spanish, is available on your iPhone, iPad, and iPhone Touch by clicking here.

First, I speculated a few years ago that Steven Gerrard may be a better midfielder in his thirties than his twenties. At the time, the universe oohed and awed at his barnstorming runs and eye for a quick slide-rule pass. I preferred the traditional enganche that puts a foot on the ball, looks up, pauses, and controls the flow of a game. Today, Stevie’s lost a step and now pauses to put foot to ball, and he’s completing more passes and dropping back deeper on the field. Yet has he lost his essence as a player?

It’s like neutering and muzzling a Pitbull, then getting angry when he lets a nocturnal burglar rub his belly. Unpredictability formed the essence of early Gerrard – yes, he may have backpassed a clever opposing forward onside against his own team, but he also flicked on Torres like a light switch connected to a thunderbolt. As a young American fan of United, I’ve been insulated from some of the vitriolic historical hate between Red Devils and Scousers. For many Yanks, Liverpool is the team that doesn’t beat us to the league title but manages to beat Chelsea. And can you really hate anybody for that?

Still, Stevie G has adapted to a new role, but Dirk Kuyt‘s loss of pace is perplexing. In high school, I learned that if you multiply a negative number by a negative number, you get a positive. In practical terms, imagine if you are walking backwards in a line, and are then instructed to walk backwards. You would walk forwards, right? I always assumed that Kuyt would get faster as he aged due to this principle. But nope – he has somehow gotten slower, and that’s suicide for a player that has always relied on “work rate.”

United also lacked fleet-footed options, at least on the left. Giggs returned to his wide role, and looked comfortable and clever in possession. However, United fans always fear that the next hip sway may be his last, and are glad he can afford an elder care app for his mobile in case he falls and needs help. A tear rolled down my cheek every time Giggsy got the ball on a fast break. Twenty years ago, a ten acre head start would spell death to defenders. Today, Giggs slogged on a treadmill set to swamp mode. Johnson did not backtrack, he sleepwalked – and still managed to catch up. Still, United led comfortably 2-0 for the first 70 minutes.

At 75 minutes, though, the clouds parted, the sun shined, and down from Heaven descended Charlie Adam. Earlier, King Kenny had subbed on Andy Carroll and Craig Bellamy. Carroll won his share of aerial duels, but continues to feed conspiracy theories that he suffers from a degenerative disease that is slowly eating away his eye-foot coordination. My sincerest condolences. Gerrard did his best to feed Andy a steady diet of trademark vertical crosses, but perhaps he should try some oats, grains, and premium Blue Seal feed.

Still, though, Luis Suarez did overcome his racism to play soccer and score a late goal. Granted, Rio Ferdinand deserves the assist with a patented thigh-tweener deflection that maybe could have been cleared. Inzaghi’s guardian angel grinned from above. United has won so many games in so many ways, that the Red Devils have trademarked the terms “Smash & grab”, “Fightback”, and “Hang on.” This game belonged to the last category. At the game’s conclusion, after Tony and Rooney took turns playing Greco-Roman wrestling near the corner flag, Evra celebrated.

And this is the part in the trite match recap where I say that Evra played like a man possessed even though he played his typical smart first touches, got forward on occasion, and defended well one vs. one. This is the part in the trite match recap where I harshly criticize Suarez for not shaking Evra’s hand and speculate that that fact motivated Evra to find that extra bit of energy that marks the difference between victory and defeat.

Lastly, this is the part in the trite match recap where I sum up the match in a single sentence: United held on to win 2-1 blah blah something Manchester City.

Yet, of course, a third class of person watched the game. The kind that write under deadline pressures. Here is what he or she or it wrote in a vain attempt to explain the sporting phenomena. Inside the chest cavity of Barcelona players beats the heart of a Champion. The heart is not abnormally large. The heart does not beat any faster or any stronger than most other hearts. However, there is still a great difference. And it is this: the heart beats inside a chest cavity of a player that is a Champion. And you can always tell a Champion from a non-Champion because the non-Champions finished second or worse in a competition. The Champion? First. So, Barcelona advanced over Madrid because of that little thing between their sternum and spine.

Barcelona had that extra something. Madrid did not. The Cule players just have “it”, but “it” cannot be precisely described with words. Rather, “it’ must be defined in relation to surrounding phenomena. For example, rumors percolate that Elvis Presley himself crafted “it” while working as a secret scientists at Area 51 and manufactured “it” out of the skin of the Lochness Monster, the brain of an alien, and the hair of Bigfoot. “It” was last reported in unofficial government records as being in the hip pocket of Amelia Earheart as she boarded her last flight. Since then, rumor has it that the kidnappers used “it” to help calm down the crying Lindbergh baby, but we can’t really speculate too much more on “it.” The important thing is that Barcelona has “it” and Madrid does not. “It” is the reason that they advanced. Duh.

Barcelona has the right mix of veterans and young players. Sometimes, veterans will get old and no longer be useful. They will lose footraces to younger players. Other times, a player will be too young and react poorly to an adverse crowd or a mistake or a foul. Barcelona’s roster is the perfect mix of veterans that are knowledgeable and young players that win footraces. Real Madrid’s roster is not the right balance. Madrid has too many veterans that are now old and well past their expiration date. Madrid also has too many young players that react poorly to new stimuli like being booed. Thus, Barcelona advanced because of the balance of their roster.

Barcelona’s youth academy is better than Real Madrid’s youth academy. Let’s just forget the Quinta del Buitre and focus on Bojan Krkic and Giovanni Dos Santos, the living proof that La Masia regularly produces world class players like an assembly line. Let’s also forget that Fabregas, Pique, and Iniesta actually left Barcelona to play at other clubs. That is not important. What is important is that La Masia produces consistently world class talent. This is not a golden generation of Spanish players that will fade like Les Bleus of the late 90s and early 2000′s. This is all the work of La Masia. Barcelona has La Masia, Real Madrid does not. Case closed.

Also, tactics. Barcelona played with better tactics. In particular, Puyol’s clever “let Benzema embarass me” tactic truly and fully lured Real Madrid into a false sense of hope, exactly as Pep drew up the game on his chalkboard at halftime. Pep also strategically planned on a Dani Alves screamer goal. Beforehand, Mourinho’s tactical gameplan to concede two early goals was a mistake. He should have tactically planned to only concede a single goal. Conversely, Pep’s halftime tactics to concede two goals was edgy but paid off. And that was the difference. Tactics. Tactics. T-A-C-T-I-C-S.

Lastly, the locker room. My reputable foreign sources reported that Mourinho has lost the locker room. A few weeks ago, Mourinho knew exactly where the locker room was. Mourinho could have been blindfolded and found the locker room. Mourinho knew the locker room like the back of his hand. It was a static, enclosed room in which players dressed into and out of their uniforms. Not anymore.

Mourinho woke up and everybody realized that he had lost the locker room. He’s still not sure how the locker room escaped. It may have been a hole in the fence. Or Perez may have left the gate open for the 1,000th time. What’s worse is that unlike most respectable dog or locker room owners, Mou did not even try to inject any GPS tracking device into the locker room. Thus, Mou’s best bet is to offer a reward, ask some friends to drive around nearby neighborhoods with him and shout “locker room”, and frequently check the “found” section of Craigslist. Pep, however, has his locker room. And it was a major advantage.

But there is hope. Thanks to my total lack of knowledge, education, and experience as neither a psychiatrist nor a coach, I have some ideas for El Nino. We can hopefully restore his confidence in a few simple steps.

First and foremost, honesty is always the best avenue. AVB needs to find some positive words of encouragement, but they can’t ring hollow. Players can smell insincerity a mile away. Thus, you can’t call Fernando “world class” anymore. You can’t even say “you’re the best striker at Chelsea.” However, you can say in a loud voice “Fernando, you are easily the most talented striker at Chelsea today….” and then say under your breath “…named Fernando Torres.”

Second, AVB needs to prioritize and also keep Nando in the loop. Above all, AVB has to put a positive spin on his decisions. For example, when Fernando warms the bench in a league game against a lowly team, AVB just needs to let him know that this team is way way below Fernando. Then, when Chelsea play a do-or-die Champions League encounter, AVB needs to let Nando know that the game is still below him. In fact, all games aside from the Champions League final will be below him for the foreseeable future. And if they reach the final, it will be below him. Only the historically important Carling Cup is worthy of Torres. And even then, only for 30 minutes a game.

Third, AVB needs to help Torres get over his love affair with Spain. Right now, the whole “will I be selected or not” question is totally messing with his head. In part, it is understandable. Yes, la Furia Roja has won a World Cup and European Cup. Yes, Nando played for both of those teams and got some silverware. But answer me this – if Spain is so good, then how come they can’t take on any dead weight like Torres? If Spain was a bunch of super all-stars, they’d easily be able to compensate for his recent misfiring ways. But they aren’t that good. And there’s no shame in Fernando realizing that the team is not good enough to call him up because the players are simply not talented enough to compensate for his poor form.

Fourth, and importantly, Fernando needs to know that Chelsea cares. This also deals with how the message is delivered. Torres needs to know that he’s loved and cherished. Every time he rides the pine or doesn’t dress for a game, he needs to know that the Blues have his long-term interest at heart – after all, if he plays a game, he could get injured at any minute. ANY MINUTE. And that’s a risk they just can’t afford to take with Mr. Important Player.

Fifth, and lastly, Torres needs to feel like a million bucks. This will require some PR magic and a bit of sleight of hand. First, the Blues should circulate a rumor that they are willing to sell him for half his price last winter: $31 million dollars. Then, when he confronts the manager or the owner about the rumors, they can feign ignorance. They can drop their jaws and state “Fernando, that is such a preposterous thing! We would never sell you for that…..but, did you or your agent hear anything from other clubs?”

Elliott’s eBook “An Illustrated Guide to Soccer & Spanish” is available on the Kindle for only $5.99. Check out a free preview here.

I don’t care to talk about tactics. Or signings. Or injuries. Or luck. United crashing out of the Champions League at the group stages raised my eyebrows, but did not alter the Earth’s orbit. For the last few years, since the Ronaldo-Tevez-Rooney trident split up, Sir Alex has patched together a quilt of a team from uneven scraps of cloth. Like a baby-boomer refinancing a mortgage, SAF always found family jewelry in the attic to auction and get an iPad. Until now. I love the current players, but even I find myself going elevator-eyes when City’s roster flickers on screen. But we couldn’t finance the purchase of an ottoman with our credit score.

So, for the first time in years, I actually rooted for Chelsea in a game. The match reminded me of the NBA lockout, where behind closed doors billionaire owners from small Midwestern cities fought with multi-billionaire owners from the big coastal metropolises. I wanted both to lose, but knew that wasn’t possible. No matter how many times I rubbed the lamp, City and Chelsea were not going to kiss, hold hands, and jump off a cliff like scorned lovers. I needed mini-Goliath to beat Goliath. A draw would help, but not much.

During the World Cup, lots of neutrals watch games to keep tabs on groups, advancement possibilities, and to see some good teams. This was not one of those “general interest” viewings. I have occasionally engaged in Schadenfraude (especially when Arsenal is up by a single goal to a Stoke City-esque side), but normally keep my eyes to my own team(s). This was kinda Schadenfraude, but not entirely. Watching City-Chelsea was without a doubt a new experience – after years of holding destiny in our hands, I sat helpless as lady fate swung her pendulum to-and-fro. It was…an uneasy feeling. Like a tattoo parlor that is not open Friday or Saturday nights, something was very amiss.

So, yes, I am kinda embarrassed to be in the Europa League. However, as an optimist, at least we don’t climb the mountain to lose the hill-race. If, heaven forbid, we were to catch up with Liverpool in Champions League victories just to fall behind in Europa League crowns, then we’d still be at the same destination. Right? RIGHT? Still, United fans have very sore necks. We can no longer look down, and the grin has turned into a smirk.

We will become Gunners fans for a week, but secretly pray that this is the last weekend where we need to keep tabs on other teams.

In other parts…

The False 9 had a pretty cool Venn diagram, even if the Matrix reference is not entirely right. Check it out here.

For those of you who love streams of games, the well may soon run dry. The US Congress is considering a law that will give large corporations the tools to shake down ISPS and domain registrars, all in an effort to prevent you from seeing content streamed by RoniTV. I’ve written about RojaDirecta‘s legal battles before and you know whose side I’m on. A Football Report details all the pitfalls of the “SOPA” law here.

Elliott’s soccer eBook “An Illustrated Guide to Soccer & Spanish” is available on the Nook for only $5.99. Check it out here.

Thus, if you don’t like this post, then you only have yourself to blame. Why didn’t you send in a more entertaining email? Tsk tsk. Now let’s reach into the illustrious mailbag and see what’s going on…..

Ali of Washington, D.C. is our first reader to send us mail in a long-time. Ali didn’t mention it, but we suspect he is a long-time D.C. United fan. However, instead of reflecting upon the goal machine that is Dwayne DeRosario, Ali had an unusual question:

I am MR. ALI, A member of the federal government contract award and monitoring committee in the national petroleum corporation.few years ago A contract was warded to a foreign firm, this contract was over invoiced to the tune of $10.million Dollars.The over invoicing was deliberate by me and two of my colleagues to benefit from the project.  now the main contractor have been paid off,still the over invoiced sum of ten million is now in a suspense account with [NNPC] waiting to be paid into any foreign account you will provide to me now.the nnpc knew that a foreign company owes this fund,but they did not know the actual company that owes this fund,therefore i seek your help to provide me any account favorable to you,with your company latter headed paper which i will post to various departments here for immediate release of the fund.fifty / fifty is my deal with you,i will make sure the fund is transferred to your account within 14working days .contact me if your are interested for more information with this mail address

I understand that we are in the midst of an international break, so everybody’s mind melts and turns to FIFA and embezzlement and creative accounting, but our website does not endorse and will not participate in your contract-graft-shaving scheme Ali. At least not at 50/50.

Next up, we got some love from the Middle East. Hassan Abdul, of Libya, obviously did not exactly have soccer on the mind. While we were curious what folks from North Africa thought about Bob Bradley taking over Egypt’s national team, Mr. Abdul instead gave us a peek into the chaos engulfing his country.

I am so sorry for sending you this unsolicited and unexpected mail. I am Abdulrahman Hassan the senior assistance to President Mammaur Gaddafi’ s son Saif al-Islam Gaddafi who has entrusted to me the sum of $65,000,000.00 (Sixty Five Million US dollars) in a sealed security luggage to escape with it but I diverted the movement of the fund to a secured security vault right now because I am personally against the killings and dehumanization of my fellow innocent Libyan citizens by his father’s detector ship government in our country Libya. I seek your indulgence to consign or transfer this $65 million dollars to you for safe keeping. Then later we discuss how this fund can be disbursed and invested in any good business field as you may suggest and some part to help the poor people. I will give you full details regarding this fund as soon as you respond to this email. Please treat this matter as urgent as possible as I wait your swift response to this regard.

Hassan, I really appreciate your apology at the start of the email. I’m also so sorry about the heartbreaking warfare that has torn apart your country. I admire your bravery in betraying Qaddaffi’s son and stealing a quaint eight figure sum, but my tax adviser has warned me that a deposit of that size will maybe, just maybe, push me into a new tax bracket. At the advice of my CPA, I decline your offer and wish you the best. Here’s hoping the national team can keep up the momentum in African Cup qualifying.

Lastly, Max from Russia shot us a few words. We were curious – with Yuri Zhirkov a flop at Chelsea and back in Russia, Arshavin bench-warming at Arsenal, and Pavyluchenko anonymous at Spurs, is Russia in a serious free-fall after their electric Euro 2008 performance under Gus Hiddink? Max, though, had his mind elsewhere.

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Max, those are some pretty impressive stats. However, we are a little suspicious that you measure the length gain in inches and the width gain in percentages. Until you clarify this discrepancy, I’m afraid no thanks. I also am a bit curious about the repetitive use of the phrase “100%.” And who is this Doctor that approved it? And, of course, I am no gentlemen. However, no hard feelings – we still hope Arshavin and the proper national team can emulate the beach soccer team’s success.

I won’t lie – the temptation to turn my beloved site into a niche focus group has been great at times. Some mornings I wake up and Plan B looks pretty darn good. The theme would be obvious – the personal lives of US players living and playing in Scandinavia. Did Chris Rolfe get a new haircut? You read it here first! Did Benny Feilhaber close on a tasteful yet affordable sublet? Details & Pics!

But then a realization strikes me – my creativity trumps my fact-gathering capacities. Also, though you won’t hear it from many other bloggers, sometimes I am too much of a perfectionist and “miss a headline.” The changing world of soccer pulls the rug out from under my feet. What happens to these perfectly crafted posts? No, I do not tear them up in a drunken rage. I do not throw my laptop against a wall and shatter it to a million pieces. Rather, they sit in the long line of posts, crying to be shared.

So now, for your reading pleasure, I give you the greatest soccer headlines never blogged.

ROBINHO SIGNS FOR REAL MADRID – PERFECT MATCH MAY LAST A LIFETIME!

Today, as a merengues fan, I am pleased to report that Robinho has forced his way out of Santos in the most petulant of fashions – so he can sign for Real Madrid! Of course, his lack of professionalism and maturity in dealing with Santos could never be reflected in his relations with Madrid. I anticipate a long and prosperous relationship.

SVEN GORAN-ERIKSSON READY TO SETTLE DOWN AND GUIDE CITY TO THE PROMISED LAND

You heard it hear first – the swinging Swede has decided to set up shop in Manchester….with City! Sven did spend eight years as coach of the England National Team, but I won’t go that far in predicting his tenure at Eastlands – he should last at least three years though as City rebuild and buy around the brainy Swede’s decisions & demeanor. His debut 2-0 victory over West Ham is the start of a beautiful relationship.

ROBINHO SIGNS FOR MANCHESTER CITY – READY TO LEAVE HIS LASTING MARK IN THE ENGLISH PREMIERSHIP

Robinho has left Real Madrid to cement his place in the annals of football history with Manchester City. As a Madrid fan, I’m disappointed, but I understand that as a supremely talented & well paid professional, competing for a starting spot with other talented and well paid professionals can be very stressful. The Brazilian has finally found a quiet enclave and should enjoy several fruitful years, if not a decade, of plying his trade in the most exciting league on the planet.

SVEN GORAN-ERIKSSON LOOKS FORWARD TO A LONG & FRUITFUL RELATIONSHIP WITH NOTTS COUNTY

The Swede’s move to a lower level English team shocks many, but not me. After years of being in the limelight, feeling the pressure, bearing the heat, could any other club offer the placid setting of historical Notts County? Plus, Eriksson enjoys a lengthy and multi-tiered challenge – getting Notts to the EPL will probably take hims years. Best of luck!

ROBINO MOVES ON LOAN TO SANTOS, 99% SURE WILL BE MADE PERMANENT

Robinho has returned to the Brazilian club of Pele and where he made his initial splash. Could you imagine a more delightful homecoming? The weather, the food, the culture, and, of course, the futbol - all factors point to a permanent move at the end of a successful loan spell. And if any player can force his way out of a contract to sign for a new team, its Robinho.

SVEN GORAN-ERIKSSON TAKES THE REIGNS AT IVORY COAST, FOR NOW AND POSSIBLY ETERNITY

Sven is a coy and playful negotiator. Even though he insists he will only coach Les Elephants for the World Cup, we all know what that means – up my wages a few thousand pounds and I’m here for life! While the country may be ravaged by a seemingly ceaseless civil war, he can reside in Europe and catch games of all-stars such as Didier Drogba, Yaya Toure, and Kolo Toure. With that roster of talent, who could turn down a longer deal? Not Sven. That’s who.

And there you have it – I can’t run a profitable newspaper enterprise because quickly I would become the most popular and successful man on earth. And who wants that kind of pressure?

• There’s nothing in the world like watching a soccer match in a general area with 20…30,000 other people.  Stadiums are restraining.  You can celebrate with the person in front of you and behind you, to your left and to your right.  But when you’re in a big open park like at the Coca-Cola fanfest, the entire match becomes a social party.  People meeting people, posing for pictures, doing huge group dances…and the celebration of a goal is truly a celebration with 20,000 other people.  You feel like you’re on the pitch yourself, running around in circles and hugging everyone and everything you can find.  For 20 minutes.  I can’t find a metaphor, because it’s honestly like nothing I’ve ever experienced.
• Speaking of Coca-Cola, boy is capitalism and globalization alive and well.  If you’re thinking South Africa is anything other than utterly familiar, you’re wrong.  Sony, Coca-Cola, PriceWaterhouseCoopers, McDonald’s, BP, Nike, Adidas…all of them and much much more have enormous footprints here.  Heck, I brought a box of Frosted Flakes this morning.  But these things beg the question: How and Are South Africans creating their own wealth?  With so many opportunities to buy items whose eventual benefactor is housed in Chicago or LA, how many dollars are staying in local communities here?  There’s no doubt that these corporations bring jobs with them, but shouldn’t the ideal be South African brands with South African ingenuity?  Which also makes the community less exposed to the whims that (benevolent? maybe?) benefactor in Chicago?
• I’m a city boy–always have been.  I can comfortably say that I understand cities.  And so when everyone started making a huge deal about how incredibly dangerous Johannesburg and the rest of South Africa are, I raised an eyebrow. (Actually, I wish I could raise a single eyebrow, but I don’t have that gene.  Damn you, Stephen Colbert!)  Nonetheless, the consistently deafening roar on the internet and among those I knew was that South Africa was especially dangerous, far more so than I could possibly imagine.  But then I arrived.  And I realized that Johannesburg really is just like every other city I’ve ever been to.  Sure, you walk around in the wrong part of New York and you’re asking to get robbed.  Sure, you walk around in the wrong part of Atlanta and you’re asking to get robbed.  Sure, you walk around in the wrong part of DC and…have I made my point?  The locals find South Africa’s external reputation somewhat amusing, and certainly outdated.  So what is it that makes this fear of South Africa so persistent among so many people?  I’m not saying it’s racism…
• But don’t let me paper over some of the very real issues here:  excessive poverty, AIDS, and a government that still hasn’t figured out how to right some of the wrongs of apartheid.  First hint:  relocation is not the answer.  (h/t Capitol Jill)

Keep up with my moment-to-moment musings on twitter! I’m @TahirDuckett.