Drum Roll Please – Proudly Announcing Award Winner…

I am beyond elated. When I first started blogging, my goals were simple: break transfer rumors, injury reports, starting elevens, and try to bring a little of ESPN-guys-yelling-in-suits to the blogosphere. Since that fateful afternoon several years ago when I started this endeavor, I have won countless awards. This year, despite stiff competition from the ultimately disqualified fakefutfanatico and fakerfutfanatico, I won all five awards – best blog, best iPhone app, best Android app, best eBook, and best awardie! It’s a glorious time to be the proprietor of a blog with “futfanatico” in the URL.

However, none of these awards would have been possible without a very special person. Continue reading “Drum Roll Please – Proudly Announcing Award Winner…” »

Recycled End of Year Blog Awards Nomination Post #29451

Let’s not play games. For the last two years, this lovely site has cleaned up the competition at some very prestigious online soccer-writing awards. This year, the awards scene has multiplied exponentially. Categories and nominations have expanded, so don’t let your guard down – please be sure to vote and I will of course begin preparing an earnest and heartfelt thank you speech dedicated to my family’s pet dog Lassie who rescued me as a child from an abandoned mine by heroically overcoming a lack of opposable thumbs to scale down the two story mine while wearing an adorable dog-fitted miner hat with a light, firmly clasp my polo shirt’s non-popped collar in her jaws, and then climb over 20 feet, myself in tow.

A vote for this site is a vote for childhood, cute dogs saving cute toddlers, and a simpler time in American history when beavers were either mammals that built dams or network television protagonists, nothing more.

Please pay close attention to the categories and cast your vote accordingly. Continue reading “Recycled End of Year Blog Awards Nomination Post #29451” »

Ferenc Puskas Endorses Grant Wahl for President of FIFA

It has been over a year since I either experienced the first-ever cyberhaunting or fell victim to an elaborate hoax by my readers. Or my younger brother. Or both. While open to interpretation, the fact is as follows: Ferenc Puskas contacted me via a Ouija board to ask for, ahem, a favor. Pandemonium ensued. Thus, I tread softly when mentioning the name of he-wh0-shall-only-sparingly-be-fully-named. I only half watched the latest Harry Potter film, but I caught the drift about horicruxes and resurrections and, well, I prefer to refer to the spiritual entity that haunted my house, PC, twitter, and wikipedia as “Pusky.” And I only invoke his presence in cases of crisis.

In fact, I’ve been avoiding Pusky for sometime. During the World Cup, I saw him haunting gchat, but immediately rendered myself invisible. Still, despite the awkwardness – how do you say “hola” after a year of silence to a dead Hungarian footballer that feasts on goat’s blood -  Grant Wahl’s self-nomination for FIFA president was a momentous occasion. I had to do something. FIFA has reached a crises point. And I needed otherworldly guidance.

But I wasn’t about to run to Pusky for help with my tail between my legs. Not at first. So, I bought a few tarot cards, some scented candles, and the Book of Thoth. My plan was to channel positive spiritual energy Mr. Wahl’s way and illuminate some lingering questions about his candidacy. Or so I thought.

A few nights ago, I sat cross legged in my living room and, at the stroke of midnight, lit a  few candles, opened the ancient text, placed it in front of me, pulled out my tarot cards, and began to read the cards. Or, rather, the cards read themselves to me. Continue reading “Ferenc Puskas Endorses Grant Wahl for President of FIFA” »

Yet Another Award For The Taking "Tee Hee"

Irony is a dish best served ironically. Last year, EPL Talk banned Unprofessional Foul for posting the script to the EPL Talk awards on Unprofessional Foul’s own website (among other allegations). We are humbled that UF nominated us for “best blog that deserves more traffic”, although that runs at odds with our nomination on another site for “best niche blog that would lose its small-town feel if stampeded by too many feet.” Regardless, below is the voting apparatus, delightfully embedded for your fraudulent convenience. Vote early. Vote often. And Vote irregularly. I’ve already won this year’s most prestigious award, so why not play close to the edge?

The Most Transparent Election of the Week

So, Sepp didi very little to qualm fears that FIFA is a corrupt “money buys anything” organization. The recent selection of Russia & Qatar, despite FIFA reports giving them both low marks for stadium preparations, hints at a bit of the old “briefcases exchanged in parking lots at night.”

But fear not, because another election exemplified the virtues of integrity, transparency, and greatness. You actually partook in this election. And the winner may (or may not) surprise you. Continue reading “The Most Transparent Election of the Week” »

The Most Humble of Honors, Your Readership

Ahem. Gentlemen, ladies, transgendered individuals, and mammals of all colors and stripes, please pay attention and lift your glasses of champagne. The end of the year fast approaches and the awards for soccer bloggers proliferate. Naturally, I have quit my day job based on the success of this highly profitable soccer link directory, errr, website. I spend all day on my couch, waiting to sign the green certified receipt for my invitation to the Emmy’s. I’ve already written my acceptance speech, and it goes a little something like this…. Continue reading “The Most Humble of Honors, Your Readership” »

Junito: Emancipaton, Trepidation, Anticipation

The last time we held an election at Futfanatico, it was an unmitigated disaster. The premise was simple enough – a “blog of the year” award for all soccer blogs with “futfanatico” in the URL. However, a wisecracking tweeter and a Central American dictator-for-campaign manager conspired to blow things to smithereens. And, of course, I did not win.

Still, Junito’s national team selection has one distinct advantage – I am not a candidate, as I am a human being, not a nation state. Thus, I reasoned, no evil can come of this. I was wrong. The expected and the unexpected merged into a vortex so profound, so deep and convoluted, that if you wiped your pink finger on the surface’s rim, you’d be elbow-deep in abyss in the blink of an eye.

Allow me to explain. Continue reading “Junito: Emancipaton, Trepidation, Anticipation” »

Tom Dunmore Simply Cannot be Stopped

As if colluding with my campaign manager to steal an election was not bad enough, Tom Dunmore of the wonderful Pitchinvasion has taken things a step further. My friends ratted me out to his Sandinista friends, and I’m currently locked in a cellar on a 20 acre hacienda in the outskirts of Bluefields, Nicaragua…Oh, and I’m writing for my life.

Tom, quick with a revolver, had one simple request: write about my craziest real life soccer experience. My own site is a mix of imagination and facts, but this had to be strictly facts. And thus, my experience attempting to see a “Super Classico” in Buenos Aires is available at Tom’s site. Warning – this is an eery peek into the autobiographical world of one Elliott “el elliottito” Tucker. If it does not receive 1,000 hits by midnight tonight, I fear… (pistol whip)…

VOTEN para Pitchinvasion como mejor blog de 2009, o mataremos el presumido gringo huelepedo.

Voten ya!

(pistol whip)
(pistol whip)

Voten ya!

(pistol whip)

The results are in, ballots torn to pieces…

So, I hired a campaign manager. Granted, my own “blogger of the year” award seemed a pretty open-and-shut case. The only requirement was that the blog nominees have “futfanatico” in the name, which made for a typically American two-horse race. This seemed a simple question of www VS not www. But that’s the excitement of a campaign, anything can happen.

I knew my campaign manager’s background when I hired him. He had a checkered history, but I’ve always had a soft spot for the first name “Daniel.” Plus, I also dug his “win-at-any-cost-even-if-you-impoverish-your-own-country” attitude. He was a winner. But would he make me a winner? Continue reading “The results are in, ballots torn to pieces…” »

Vote NOW For Futfanatico! Vote Twice!

I knew when I created this blog a year ago that, well, it would not be an opiate for the masses. So each year, as awards are doled out and votes counted, I don’t hold my breath. No, true to form, I nominate other blogs for awards, vote for other blogs, etc. etc. Well you know what? The days of Elliott “the Silent Martyr” have ended. The time for Elliott “the Glory Hogging Troll” have arrived.

I can’t win a fair fight. I know this much. Thus, rather than nominate my blog for one of the more established awards, I have decided to create my own election with my own rules. I have decided to hide the ballot results, but will allow multiple voting. So as the holiday season approaches, the year winds down, the Chelsea transfer ban dissipates into a laughing joke, I invite you to participate in the first annual “Futfanatico is the Blog of the Year” election. It’s a runoff. Kindof. Continue reading “Vote NOW For Futfanatico! Vote Twice!” »