The Alan Thicke Historical Legacy Society Asks You to Not Make Fun of Manager W

Sometimes, first impressions deceive. Sometimes, you only need a single game to show your talents. Sometimes, the host with the most is the least to boast. Just as Alan Thicke pulled himself up by his bootstraps – coming from middle of nowhere Western Ontario and making a splash on American TVs in Growing Pains – Manager W has risen himself to unexpected preeminence.

However, just like with Alan Thicke, jealousy, suspicion, and incredulity cloud the public’s image of Manager W. So, we humbly ask you, please leave him alone. Continue reading “The Alan Thicke Historical Legacy Society Asks You to Not Make Fun of Manager W” »

Confessions of an Unabashed European Soccer Snob

Some people run from the truth.They flee from their own pathetic failure of a life and hide in the world of soccer. These feeble humans turn themselves into ostriches and stick their heads underground. Or worse, MLS. Why? The truth hurts. At least if you’re utterly pathetic and really defensive about your utterly patheticness. Me, though, I stroll through life like the sole rooster in the hen house. Peacocks cock their heads to see my plumage. Why? Because I am a fan of European soccer, not MLS. I belong to the elite of the elite.

And you? Well, North American ostrich, I have bad news. You belong to a very confused, defensive, and at times reprehensible nativist community. Allow me to explain why myself and European soccer are better than you and MLS. The evidence will astound you. Continue reading “Confessions of an Unabashed European Soccer Snob” »

Diego Maradona to Mario Balotelli-Yellow Journalism Goes Viral!

I recently set out to find Diego Maradona‘s missing synthetic penis. The task looked daunting. Several years ago, when internet still dialed up and you browsed with Netscape Navigator, Diego donated his infamous whizzinator to a local Buenos Aires museum. This artifact’s historical significance cannot be overestimated: while playing for Napoli in Italy, he had used the fake appendage to beat random drug tests. However, to the world’s dismay, a thief stole the penis from the museum, a police report got filed, and the internet exploded with dozens of identically worded articles. Then, a silence ensued that would span several years. I scanned for updates and combed through indexed search engine pages for details, but no dice. The penis thief remained at large and nobody cared.

My search yielded little fruit, but a bigger question lingered: what does this production and exchange of information say about our society? And what does that mean for the bad celebrity of today, Mario Balotelli?

Continue reading “Diego Maradona to Mario Balotelli-Yellow Journalism Goes Viral!” »

Why I'll Truly Miss The Tune of Fabio A Capello in England

Capell0 has resigned. Everybody tosses rocks at the FA’s glass house, yet we struggle to articulate our feelings. For sure, changing coaches on the cusp of a major tournament is never good. Remember the Ivory Coast drama before the 2010 World Cup? Yes, the FA could have better included Capello in the John Terry issue. After all, Capello did strip him of the captaincy before the last World Cup after Bridge-gate. Still, bureaucrats and coaches and finger-pointing hide a simple urge: regret.

I ask a simple question. Did anybody ever truly love Fabio Capello? Yes. I did. And here’s why: Continue reading “Why I'll Truly Miss The Tune of Fabio A Capello in England” »

The John Terry Moralistic Editorial Files, Chapter 1435867205

John Terry has outdone himself, even by his own pathetically low standards. We have a saying in America: three strikes and you’re out. Well, John Terry first shagged teammate Wayne Bridge’s significant other a few years ago. Strike one. This past weekend, he allegedly uttered a racist comment at Anton Ferdinand. Strike two. And strike three, you ask? It takes the cake. It shocks the conscience. After all, his earlier indiscretions have some semblance of an explanation. Everybody can understand that in training, sometimes things get heated and players need to cool off with an other-wife-shag. Everybody can understand that in a game, sometimes things get heated and players exchange racial epithets. That’s just the way things are.

But strike three has no similar excuse. John Terry gave his solemn word to attend a pet shop opening in Surbiton. And what happened in Surbiton? Hundreds of kids had their heart broken. Why? Cold-blooded John Terry didn’t show up. Continue reading “The John Terry Moralistic Editorial Files, Chapter 1435867205” »

Presenting Extreme Makeover English Youth Academy Edition!

Hello and welcome to your favorite new television program – EMEYAE (Extreme Makeover English Youth Academy Edition)! We are so excited to see you! Basically, after the new EPPP guidelines were passed, a lot of people got angry. Local communities felt threatened that the free movement of individual youth labor would leave them devastated. However, the brilliance of network Television offers a silver bullet and all kinds of odd sounds called a “laugh track.” Continue reading “Presenting Extreme Makeover English Youth Academy Edition!” »

What if the Champions League Featured Only Champions?


We live in strange times. On the one hand, being poor sucks. Every Bulgarian champion needs a helping hand and a TV payout from UEFA helps, no matter how small. On the other hand, nobody likes Kool-Aid with too much water. Dilution concerns us. Tang leaves a bitter and putrid taste in the mouth. Plus, Europe’s elite desire to face off against one another. The aristocracy demands a debutante ball with sufficiently dashing and deep-pocketed suitors. And everybody loves a spectacle of excellence. Which is why I found today’s Champions League fixture utterly pathetic.

Here’s a quick rundown of how the teams fared in their own leagues last year:

  • Manchester City-3rd place EPL,
  • Villareal-4th place La Liga,
  • Napoli-3rd place Serie A,
  • Bayern Munich-3rd place Bundesliga,
  • CSKA Moscow-2nd Place Russian Premier,
  • Trabzonspor-2nd Place Turkish Super Lig,
  • Lille-1st Place France Ligue 1,
  • Inter-2nd Place Serie A,
  • FC Basel-1st Swiss Super League,
  • Otolul Galati-1st Place Romanian Liga I,
  • Benfica-2nd Place Portuguese Primeira Liga,
  • Manchester United, 1st Place, English Premiership
  • Dinamo Zagreb-1st Place Croatian Prva HNL,
  • Ajax-1st Place Dutch Eredivisie,
  • Real Madrid – 2nd Place La Liga, and
  • Lyon-3rd Place France Ligue 1.

Did you notice the distinct lack of first places? Only 6 of those 16 teams were “Champions” of their domestic league. We can surely agree that fact is problematic. Well, I have a few ideas on how to solve that problem. Continue reading “What if the Champions League Featured Only Champions?” »

Why Are There Only White Stars on the American Flag?

So, I have a two-post series at FoxSoccer about the US, and US soccer, and our twisted, bizarre, schizophrenic, and bipolar relationship with Mexico and Mexican Americans. I give Fox credit for letting me be candid, honest, and frank about both sides of the equation – I address how and why Hispanics have been somewhat excluded in the current US setup. I also speculate as to how they can be un-excluded. In the end, I’m optimistic about the future, so don’t go call BP and give them my IP Address just yet. Part 1 is available here.

However, the US vs. Honduras game presented a related & pressing topic not addressed in those posts. I speak, of course, about the banter about “Can the US play a home game at home?” Basically, how should we deal with complaints that the stadium composition for US games against Latin teams is “too ethnic” and there’s no “home field advantage.” Is it true? Is it a genuine problem? Or does the framing of this “problem” reveal deep-rooted prejudices?

I’m really just gonna shoot from the hip on this topic because 1) I’m still deciding myself how I feel, and 2) Your input & perspective have just as much to teach me. Please comment. Unless, of course, you hate America. Which you say you don’t but your frequent trips to go shopping in Europe suggest otherwise. Buckle up & here we go. Continue reading “Why Are There Only White Stars on the American Flag?” »

Sport, Society, Ownership, & Accountability – Blah Blah Blah

We like to paint the world in perfectly ordered opposites. On the one hand, as an American, I have grown up with the cold familiarity of the franchise sports model. Here’s how the cookie crumbles in the States. Basically, a businessman (or woman) who has made billions in selling chemicals or prescription drugs hits middle age, gets bored, doesn’t want to start a foundation, and picks a small Midwestern city to inject with happiness and PR via a sports team. Everything’s rosy until the owner refuses to pay transfer fees or salaries, the team sucks, talk show radio hosts call for perpetual coaching changes, the team drifts into the red, and another Midwestern city’s economic development board beckons with tax breaks.

Then, divorce hits. But the team marches on, usually with a new stadium, logo, and name. From a business standpoint, it’s a helluva model. But as already duly noted, the nomadic qualities appear more vulture than trees. And surely things with roots, like trees, have value?

At the opposite end of the spectrum lies the fan-controlled and operated club. In Spain, both Real Madrid and Barcelona technically fit this bill. Fans vote for the President of the club. Last year, my “FC Distrust Supporters’ Trusts Trust” series mocked folks who believed that more fan-ownership in England would be a panacea to rampant debt problems: hello, Barca and Madrid wage tabs, I argued.

But there lies a weird and winding path between. Let us venture to this nether realm. Continue reading “Sport, Society, Ownership, & Accountability – Blah Blah Blah” »

Cesc Fabregas to Barcelona: A Depressing Transfer Reality


Lo and behold, you may have noticed this fine blog’s hibernation during the summer. Why do we do that? Well, few games are played. Most European leagues take off May, June, July, and August. Thus, the news cycle slows to a crawl except for a unique species of sports writing: the transfer rumor. Many have criticized the lackadaisical journalism behind such rumors. The uncorroborated reports often rely on multiple hearsay: Joe heard from Jane heard from Jake. The papers then publish the dubious proof as a conclusion of conviction in the article title. I prefer an extended hibernation to jogging on this treadmill of misinformation.

However, these criticisms overlook a simple truth behind transfer rumors: people gobble them up. In troves. Why? I speculated that the transfer rumor succeeds because of human beings’ optimism – all fans want to hear about a big signing by their beloved club. Like an unopened gift, within the box of poorly timed press releases lurks the occasional fantastic find. Also, the dubious proof lends itself to intrigue of its own making – who are these almost mythical behind-the-scenes actors who truly control our clubs’ destiny? Anticipation. Unexpected surprises. Intrigue. These draw the public eye to transfer rumors.

The Cesc-to-Barca transfer has no such defense. Why? Because it is a transfer reality. A plodding transfer reality worse than any rumor. Continue reading “Cesc Fabregas to Barcelona: A Depressing Transfer Reality” »